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Give up on internet dating???

(35 Posts)
whethergirl Mon 24-Aug-09 23:05:09

I've been a single mum for 5 years (since my son was born) during which time I've not had one whiff of a date. I joined an internet dating site (couple of months ago) and not sure if it's actually making me feel worse.
All the contacts I've had from blokes in their 20's (way too young) 60's or are just plain weird or pervy, were at first funny - but now just pissing me off.
There was one bloke I really liked, and after several emails where we seemed to have chemistry, we spoke on the phone - and so called chemistry just went up in a puff of smoke.
Spoke to another guy on the phone which started off well but then tried to have phone sex with me.
Another couple of blokes I liked, who, after some promising emails, just suddenley stopped writing - obviously found someone better.
Another bloke I liked, but don't think he's actually up for DATING. He already admitted he regularly writes to 8 other girls on the site.

Meanwhile, I'm so broke so couldn't afford to go out on a date anyway. For this reason, I even joined a "sugar daddy" type of dating website. But no luck there, as guys with money tend to be, and can be, very very picky. (Got one offer of bloke wanting a mistress - he was gorgeous mind. And another that was just a fat old git).

Obviously all the young, size 10 shiny blondes with no kids are getting all the decent men.

Shall I just give up? It's kind of getting me down. I think I was happier without the false of hope of ever actually being asked out on a date.

FluffySaysTheDailyMailsShite Mon 24-Aug-09 23:08:57

Have you tried salsa dancing? Ny neighbour met her husband there.

There's some lovely blokes working in games workshop you know. Seriously! Geeky but lovely.

whethergirl Mon 24-Aug-09 23:12:42

Fluffy, what do you mean by games workshop?!

Thanks, but I already go to drama classes (full of gays) and present an internet radio show, plus do my bellydancing from home...haven't really got time/money/energy/babysitters for another hobby!

whethergirl Mon 24-Aug-09 23:14:00

Also, must admit I'm a bit old fashioned in the sense that I like the bloke to make the first move. Mind you, been waiting 5 years now. I suppose I could spend another 5 years frequenting games workshops, whatever they are, and see what happens.

trellism Mon 24-Aug-09 23:18:36

I'd say that you don't have to meet people on the internet in only one way.

I met dh via an online message board - it's pretty far from a dating website. I certainly wasn't looking for a bloke when I joined.

Why not look around for a forum/mailing list full of people with a common interest?

FluffySaysTheDailyMailsShite Mon 24-Aug-09 23:21:19

They are like dungeons and dragons, model making/painting/game playing, lots of geeks (mostly male). There's stores all over the country, mostly run by really friendly men. grin

whethergirl Mon 24-Aug-09 23:22:03

I never thought of that trellism. But I guess if I'm not having much luck with people on a dating site - where blokes are actually looking for dates - then I can't really imagine finding one on a site not designed for that purpose.

whethergirl Mon 24-Aug-09 23:27:27

Fluffy - obviously your type then! What would I these shops that I've never had the reason to enter in my whole life before? Walk around batting my eyelashes? !
Sorry, not being ungrateful for advice here, just being realistic.
I'm just having a really lonely week. Am well aware that grass is always greener, and should maybe count my blessings that I don't have anyone driving me mad. But have been single for 5 years...tis a long time. I'm late 30's, attractive, stylish, good company...but I'm not going to get any better with age, so if I can't find anyone now, then my chances will only get slimmer by the day.

trellism Mon 24-Aug-09 23:28:26

I guess - but you might be able to make connections/friends which might lead to something else? I do have a couple of friends who met their wives/partners in the same way I did.

I'm afraid I'm a bit rubbish with dating advice really, having never been on a date blush.

Good luck though.

Hobnobfanatic Mon 24-Aug-09 23:35:45

Tried eHarmony? Lots of people are saying it has a more serious clientele.

whethergirl Mon 24-Aug-09 23:41:31

You must have been on a date trellism - or did you just get married straight away??

I think that's the annoying thing. I've got outside hobbies with outside connections, I've got 47 cousins who all have friends, I live in LONDON - not exactly secluded, and I even go out occasionally. It's just not great for my self esteem. Girlfriends always comment on how much I got going for me, but obviously they see something that blokes don't. 5 years and not ONE bloke showing any interest. If there was a pill that would completely remove all my sexual/romantic desires, then I would take it.
Am I really that ugly/unsexy/unappealing?? Because I sure am beginning to feel it.

whethergirl Mon 24-Aug-09 23:47:05

eHarmony does look good Hobnob. I just can't afford to pay for dating websites at the moment, although I do think that you are probably going to get more success on a paid one rather than the freebie one I am on.

FluffySaysTheDailyMailsShite Mon 24-Aug-09 23:55:31

eHarmony's expensive and they bombard you with emails!

whethergirl Tue 25-Aug-09 00:02:02

Right, well I'm not sure what's better, spending my evening on a dating website feeling lonlier than ever, or coming on here for a shoulder to cry on and feeling lonlier than ever.

lowrib Tue 25-Aug-09 00:32:01

What about Guardian Soulmates?

LittleRedBook Tue 25-Aug-09 00:45:18

try quite a lot you can do for free, I've heard good things about it.

eharmony I think is good but expensive I agree.

don't give up! there are nice men out there. (I have just got back from date #3 with a lovely guy I met online, having tried last year and given it up as hopeless)

skihorse Tue 25-Aug-09 07:55:51

Don't knock the boys in their 20s - they're not (yet!) jaded wink and they don't expect everything to be about the $$$ - they're much more used to being broke.

I'm the happy owner of a 23 year old and couldn't be more thrilled.

ninah Tue 25-Aug-09 09:30:38

I found match OK
would give the sugar daddy sites a miss, not a job to apply for
and maybe keep an open mind about who you are looking for
don't wait for them to contact you
and check the fit and interesting thread on lone parents, full of feedback about the men and monsters out there

whethergirl Tue 25-Aug-09 12:03:47

Thanks for your replies. I have heard good things about Guardian soulmates although I'm not exactly a Guardian reader (I can just about do the Metro).

I'll have a look at loveandfriends but must admit I was feeling so low last night that I just deleted my profile from the site I was on. Got a text from Mr pervy phone sex though to ask if I was ok as he'd seen I deleted my profile - at least someone cares! I don't think he's going to give up and I find myself considering it, even though I don't fancy him.

Skihorse - I tend to go for older men, (I'm 37, and have fallen for guys in their 50's before) I just can't get into younger blokes. My mum loves her toyboys but I just can't take them seriously enough for some reason.

I just find the problem with joining a dating internet site is that you are constantly feeling disappointed whereas without it, at least there are no expectations.

Probably got negative perspective at the mo, not usually like this. Got pmt and just feeling like shit.

abouteve Tue 25-Aug-09 12:24:15

Whethergirl you are not alone, I'm feeling your pain. I have a profile on POF because it's free. I once joined a pay site and found that more depressing somehow. I've been on POF for nearly two years and have only bothered to meet one guy.

I hate blind dates but as it's free I will hang around in case but not pinning any hopes on it. Also I don't contact them first.

Went to a party recently and all the guys within a 20 year age range to me were partnered and this is happening all the time now. I'm 10 yrs older than you. Often get opportunities with much younger men but wouldn't take it seriously. When I go to a party I feel so lonely in my single status. The only single one whom I'm very fond of but haven't seen for a while said he has met some nice women but all the best ones were taken. sad as I'd just told him I was still single!

I'm on the 'fit and interesting' thread but don't have the same enthusiasm for it as the
other posters. Still I live in hope and would like to meet someone just going about my daily life. Pigs might fly as I've been saying for years.

So I'm not helping. Been to Salza classes but found it clique. Lots of my friends met their partners by working part time in a pub, strange I know but it worked for them.

harleyd Tue 25-Aug-09 12:37:08

i know it works for some people...but god i could think of nothing worse than joining a dating site and having to trawl through a pile of profiles and emails

get out as much as you the pub, the gym, tesco, wherever...just be out and about
and smile and be friendly and look approachable and flirt with everyone in sight
its fun, you'll look happy and confident and people will notice you smile

Kally Tue 25-Aug-09 13:08:44

I met my present guy on a dating site. DatingforParents... I did make an effort and meet up with quite a few - just not to go by the photos, sort of thing. You can pay for that through your mobile phone and stop it whenever you want (just make sure you do else it keeps on deducting every few day) You can go on for a few days at a time and I find this is long enough.

I must admit there were some that totally did not come anywhere near the type of person I enjoy, and I felt awful brushing them off. But if you go on these sites then you have to be prepared for that.

The only thing I strongly advise against is these long distance ones. Try to keep it local,there is less involved when you/they don't have to travel and make too much of an effort.

Present guy is a peach and we've been together for 2 and 1/2 years but he's in another town and that is a strain, I wouldn't do that again, only local.

whethergirl Tue 25-Aug-09 13:16:34

abouteve, it's really nice to know I'm not alone (misery loves company and all that!). I have never, in my life, felt the pain of lonliness before and now I understand how horrible it is. POF is where I had my profile too, but just found it even more depressing. You think, is this what it's come to? Some 60 year old fat and balding non-english speaking lech is asking if I'd like to come to his house for a date?
Where is this fit and interesting thread?
Don't feel your age is a hindrance, my mum gets more offers then I do. As for your single friend who reckons all the nice ones are taken, I've had a similiar experience with my single male friend, who told me he has a "typical blokes taste" which is "blonde, blue eyed and size 8 - 10" (I'm brunette, brown eyed and size 12 - obviously too dark and fat for most blokes then). Like you, I'd rather meet someone going about my daily life.

harleyd - tell me about it, dating sites to not actually appeal to me at all and it was only through the persuasion (bullying?) of a friend that I went on it in the first place. It feels unnatural to me, like applying for a job.
I know I'm coming across as a miserable sad old cow but actually, I'm normally very gregarious and entertaining and do get out when I can. I lead a full life with lots of hobbies.
Friends say I'm attractive and good looking, but it's seriously coming to the point where I'm considering surgery (as if I could afford it) as basically I've come to the stage where I'm thinking it doesn't matter how great a personality you have, blokes just go for looks, first and foremost.

abouteve Tue 25-Aug-09 13:32:20

'Fit & Interesting' thread is in lone parents.

How old is your mum btw? Are her toyboys the right age for you? grin

Don't consider surgery. I'm sure its nothing to do with the way you look. However, going blond is an option. lol

I have a full life too, plenty of friends etc. I just want a cuddle and more with someone I really like that has plenty more to offer.

Aussieng Tue 25-Aug-09 13:38:44

I met my DH on a dating site - dating direct which I would thoroughly recommend. I also checked out (was not impressed) and loopylove (ok but not as well thought out as DD). Before meeting DH I met up with several guys on first dates and had a three month "relationship" - that 3 month point really is crunch time in terms of knowing whether a relationship has legs or not - and met two further guys who I now class as friends. All 34-42 yo professional men who could hold an intelligent conversation and some of whom were pretty attractive (one who was a total minger with BO admittedly but I ALWAYS had good fun stories to tell my friends who lived vicariously through me for about 12 months on and off).

What I would say is you need to not take it too seriously. Don't find one guy that you like and stop looking/chatting to other people and don't expect that the first time you have a nice email exchange/chat/meeting with a guy that he will want to become "exclusive" with you immediately. A guy chatting to 8 girls is nothing (although you do get some people who are just looking for safe email/text style relationship). The experience is much more like American style dating which is fun and not what most English people (especially women I find) are used to.

I totally agree with Kelly that you need to meet up with quite a which unfortunately does mean that you need to spend a little money to go out on dates and get to know the guys in RL - you can't tell that much on the internet - it is not as easy as being compatible with someone on paper - and you need to be able to do the first date thing, so it is worth getting comfortable with that secenario so that when there is a guy that you actually like, you are not a bundle of nerves and wreck the date. Phone call's can be hard so don't write someone off on a phone call. Try to treat it like making new friends and then if some thing more comes of it then that is a bonus. I think it is a good way to meet men even "the One" but it is no more likely that you will meet the one this way than anywhere else and being desperate or trying too hard is always a mistake wherever you meet the guy.

Also - you MUST get over this thing about making the first move. What if the perfect guy for you has just set his preferences 1 year too low or high (as my DH had done) and you are not coming up on his searches? Many 50 year old guys would think that a 37 year old would think they were too old. You can't just sit around and wait for it to come to you - you have joined the site, now go for what you want!

Finally I also found that you get a more serious kind of guy on the pay sites - ie they are arguably more likely to be looking for a serious relationship and have invested some cash into that rather than just looking for an easy way in on the free sites. Sorry, I know that is more money but I think that is true. Often sites offer trial periods or you can get cashback by joining through cashback sites such as Quidco.

Good luck!

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