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(18 Posts)
hope5 Mon 24-Aug-09 22:45:52

After many happy years with my husband,he confessed to seeing another woman,totally out of character,he has been depressed for along time.
So much has happened in the last year,financial problems, parents illnesses, moving house and the list goes on.
We are together now after being apart for 2months.
As you can imagine its been hard.
Im glad we are together,but would love to hear from people who have been in similar situations.
How do you feel after 6months a year etc.Some days it hurts so much other days I cope fine.

k850plus Mon 24-Aug-09 23:19:44

Hi Hope5

Not sure you are going to want to hear this, but in my experience our marriage just never recovered. I have not trusted him since - and we are talking 12 yrs ago now - and I truly beleive that I should have called an end to it there and then. Instead we have muddled on, and it has eaten away at me eversince.

Other stuff plays a part of course, and every individual is different. It may be that together you can get over this, and if that is what you want I wish you well.

I am sure there will be others along with wise words - there are always alot of those in my limited experience on here. It's a great way to gather opinions and advice, there are some very very helpful, knowledgeable and caring souls who you can rely upon to tell you of their experiences and offer support.

Good luck.

countingto10 Tue 25-Aug-09 08:14:44

Sounds like my situation Hope5, I'm about 4 months down the line from discovery and it has not been a bed of roses. A lot of pain, sadness, anger, depression etc.

We are still going to Relate which has helped and we have both dealt with childhood issues not discussed before.

I have found this website very helpful - made me realise I wasn't going mad and what I was feeling was completely normal.

If you truly love your husband and can gain an understanding of why the affair happened and both of you change behaviours then there is a good chance of recovery. But both parties have to put in the effort.

Me and my DH hit a stumbling block because he didn't to discuss the affair as it was too pasinful for him, he was ashamed etc. He didn't realise how important it was for me to know - the website has a very good article on The need to know which he read and then understood my issues.

You have to be very open and honest with each other.

Good luck. It is a long and painful road and the hardest one to take. It would be soooo easy to give up but both me and my DH have decided we mean too much to each other and the DC to do that.

hope5 Tue 25-Aug-09 12:41:37

Thanks,I wouldnt like to think that we end up muddling through,I want to be with him for the right reasons.Our children are older teenagers, young adults so its hard for them but I dont believe its a good enough reason for us to stay together.Its all about honesty opening up when need to etc, good communication, well better than it was, that will get us through this crisis.I can only hope that we See this through positively.I keep everything crossed but my eyes and ears are wide open.

HappyWoman Wed 26-Aug-09 16:42:11

Hi hope5

I am nearly 3 years on and i can say that it is a very hard road to take.
I do not feel we are muddling through and in some ways our marriage is better now than it ever was.

Take this time to find out what you want and dont ever think your feelings dont matter - whatever you are feeling is valid - although of course it is always comforting to know that others think the same - but if they dont - what you feel is still ok.

Counting - i think it is so important to bring it all out into the open - and that includes others knowing too. And as for it being too painful for him - that is the price he has to pay.

I know i am a much stronger and generally happier person now - i know myself much better and to some extent have become more selfish in my needs.

The trust is hard - and i dont think i will ever toatally trust anyone again - my h knows that and he is willing ot accept that too. I trust myself more now though and know that i will never be put through that again.

Neither of us knew how to react but having been there i would not put the effort in again if he was not capable of remaining faithful now.

Do continue with couselling as it really helps. The other thing is to try not to make it a focus for future arguments - you will still disagree but it is not always about the affair.

I did try to cat you but you do not allow cat, if you want to cat me then do so.

Good luck.

countingto10 Wed 26-Aug-09 17:30:21

Not wishing to hijack the thread but Happywoman how did you cope with the thoughts of your DH and OW together ? It is only 3 months down the line for me and I am still having a lot of (obsessive) thoughts of them together, what fun they had etc ? I do know that he did take her out for a couple meals etc. He actually lived with her for about 6 weeks (told me he was staying with friends hmm) so it all the thoughts of them sitting on the sofa together etc. These thoughts can make me feel extremely sad and hurt. I know they will probably become less in time but I would like to know how you managed them.


Scorps Wed 26-Aug-09 17:34:34

I am about 3 weeks on from a discovery; this is the first few days i haven't cried actually. It hurts like nothing i know; I'm so scared of the future its unreal.

I don't know how he could hurt someone who loved him so much.

My DH is on his last chance, no more here.

I have been coping so much better since i know 'why' - the reasons were so important to me.

Scorps Wed 26-Aug-09 17:35:19

Happy - i too am already far more selfish. Almost feel i deserve it, after being so eager to please for so long.

countingto10 Wed 26-Aug-09 17:41:17

Have a look at that website Scorps, it has really helped me understand all the aspects of affairs.

I hope your DH is doing everything in his power to try and make things right/better. Nothing can take away the hurt but knowing he is doing all he can does help in someway.

Good luck - it's a horrible journey to take.

hope5 Wed 26-Aug-09 21:07:29

Hi,Its so good to hear a success story glad to hear you have managed to deal with all the emotion upheaval etc that an affair poses on us.My husband is trying very hard, his behaviour has caused alot of hurt etc for so many people.
We have been told that his was almost like a sort of breakdown??
Doesnt make it right but I do think once you have all the facts etc you can try and make some kind of sense of it all.
Im not sure what you mean by cat, will look into it.

hope5 Wed 26-Aug-09 21:11:51

Hi there
Without sounding completely thick what is cat,Im pleased to hear life is good for you and your husband,its good to know that if you stick at it and you both want to be together you can make it work.

ladylush Wed 26-Aug-09 22:05:29

Hope - my h had an affair 18 months ago. We had counselling and stayed together. It's a very hard journey and some days even now I sit here silently fuming or feeling sad but I don't bother talking to him about it because we are (mostly) talked out about the adultery. We've got a ds and a newborn dd and I am very happy with my family and glad we stayed together, but like Scorps there are no more chances. I don't know if I will ever really trust him fully again but maybe I was naive to do so in the first place. I agree with you about the need to get the facts/truth to understand why it happened. I hope things work out for you and I am glad h is putting effort into repairing your relationship.

countingto10 Thu 27-Aug-09 08:34:18

Hi Hope5 again, we have also been told that my DH had some sort of breakdown as well. He hit the self destruct button in a very big way - it wasn't all directed at me but also his business etc.

He is really struggling to talk about things that happened at the time because he can't really explain what he was thinking or doing because none of it makes any sense to him. His best friend met up with him at OW's house about a week or so before he left her/cme back to me and was concerned that he was suicidal. He has since told him that he had made plans to go over to OW's house with a couple of heavies and "spring" him out of there. OW was soooo pleased she had him that she didn't even notice how bad his mental state was.

It is hard to deal with because I don't think he will ever fully understand why it happened and therefore neither will I. But everyone is noticing a significant change in him, in his outlook and how he deals with everything in every aspect of his life (he had almost run his business into the ground and we are still not sure it can be turned around but we are pulling together and keeping our fingers crossed).

Financial problems, lots of small children, mid life (DH is 40 in October, etc do account for a lot of these affairs.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Thu 27-Aug-09 14:22:38

Hope - We are a year on from discovery and like others have said, it is by far the hardest thing either of us have been through.

My DH also had a breakdown and post-discovery, went for counselling on his own. It did help enormously, but for us the right time to do this was a couple of months after the nightmarish initial aftermath.

There have been wonderful times over the past year, re-discovering our deep love for each other and the renewal of what had become a routine sex life. But there have been terrible times, when I have questioned everything and have felt sure I couldn't carry on, knowing that he had hurt me so badly. The pain has been truly awful and the flashbacks horrendous.

In the early days, my self-esteem was at rock bottom. This came on top of an awful year for me professionally (I run my own business), serious ill health in the extended family and some money worries (although no more than usual).

Slowly but surely, my self-esteem returned. I won some new contracts, so professionally, that helped. My husband has also completely restored my esteem as a woman and has been the most attentive, adoring husband I could hope for. I know I am also far kinder to him and for the past year, it is like we have been passionately in love. It has been an extraordinary surprise that I could fall in love with him all over again after 24 years.

We didn't tell a soul about any of this and so our renewed love for each other has been commented on repeatedly by family and friends. We did tell them that my husband had a work-related breakdown and that he was being counselled. Given the job he does, everyone seems to have accepted this - and like everything, it is partially true. My husband had been getting more and more stressed and depressed at work, was hitting 45 and the affair was an escape mechanism.

In our case, he changed roles and that made a massive difference. The new post means he has far more time at home and everything about my life now is easier than it was a year ago. He and OW didn't work together (she was a blast fom the past who got in touch out of the blue) and so the affair was pretty contained - he didn't tell anyone about it, which was probably why his stress levels became so much worse during the affair.

Sometimes I wish I had confided in a few trusted people and I'm still considering counselling for myself. The only person I've ever talked to about it is him - and at times, I'm sure it would have been better for me to have had another outlet. Unfortunately, I only discovered MN last January, but I suppose that has been my outlet.

At the time, we felt it was best not to discuss this with anyone, because we hadn't told the children (still young enough not to draw any conclusions) and it was easy for us to do this. This was mainly my decision too - I know myself pretty well and unfortunately, one of my faults is pride and I knew my self-esteem would take a further bashing if I had to admit to anyone that my so-called perfect marriage wasn't so perfect after all. I know that sounds pretty shallow, but I'm also a firm believer that in these extraordinary times, you have to do what ever it takes to get through the days.

It took almost a year to feel intense happiness and joy - I had just such a moment two weeks ago. I thought it would never happen again and I felt in the early days, my life was ruined.

The trust is back too and I genuinely don't think he will ever do this again. He is truly horrified at what he did and that he almost lost us. I have also said to him that there will be no second chances, but it almost seems redundant now, as the trust really is there again. That said, I know I wouldn't take him back again - and so does he.

I have also said that I cannot promise him "forever" any more. Our marriage is wonderful now and it is my choice to remain in it. But whereas before, I was able to promise him a lifetime, I still cannot do that yet. He says that he can live with that uncertainty and understands why I feel that way.

Because my focus this past year has been on rebuilding my marriage, the children and the usual work/home issues, I do feel I have lost the ability to connect deeply with people a bit; friends and the bigger family. That seems to have been a casualty of all this and is something I know I want to work on now. I can also see that by not letting anyone help me with this trauma, this has added to the feelings of disconnection.

I'm afraid it still consumes me and we still talk about it most nights. For me, the only way to deal with this was for me to know everything. In the early days, my husband was deluding himself as much as me about some issues and even now we gain fresh insights.

I absolutely detest OW and still have fantasies about her coming to a slow, painful end. My husband probably detests her more though. This in no way absolves him of his total responsibility, but the truth is that both parties are to blame in an affair. She behaved monstrously throughout (and after he ended it) and I get very cross when people suggest that OW are blameless. I live in hope that I will hear that her own husband has left her and that she has a rotten life. I make no apology for that either - both her and my H were to blame.

Happy to share more Hope if you need it, but have rambled on long enough probably!

HappyWoman Fri 28-Aug-09 07:33:12

Hi again - sorry not around much at the moment.
CAT is contacting another netter, - you do have to pay a few to be able to do it but if you 'allow' others to contact you then i can contact you.

Not sure how you get those images out really. But i think by 'knowing' what happened fully you can then choose not to think about them but when you feel you do not have the full facts your brain seems to want to fill in the gaps.
Never be afraid to talk about it and never let your h decide that now is not the time or that it is too painful for him - this is about you now not him.

We had a very unusual recovery in that my h had a long time off work - if anything i regret not talking more then and getting my mind sorted - instead i 'helped' him to get over it by trying to be as normal as possible for him and the children.

I too will not re-take my vows or promise it is forever. My h tells me on a daily basis that he will do whatever it takes and will never let me down again.
I continue to make myself happy doing more of the things I want now and knowing that it will be his decision if he ever does it again.
In a bizare twist he says he loves me more than ever now.

Try to see this as his failure and not yours in anyway - although of course there are things you can change in your marriage to make it work better for you both.

Good luck

hope5 Fri 28-Aug-09 10:47:17

Glad to hear you are both moving on and sounds very promising in all aspects of your life now.
We had financial problems,husband working for a company he not happy with,ill parents, me being the main carer for my mum who suffers with dementia(one of the most difficult things I have ever done,but dont regret being there for her).
Selling our home which we thought would be our dream home,the financial burden was to much with all the running around of dealing with 3 teenagers at the time and my mum,we sold and moved a bit more central for the kids etc.I could go on as there were extended family issues to deal with aswell.
My h told me about ow one morning he was in an awful state and eventually it came out.
What a day that was,our children know about it they are older,young adults actually,and they saw the state he was in so hard to avoid.
There are times I wish they hadne known but to late for that.
He left that day,I couldnt cope with him round me or the children.It was the most painful experience.Sent us messages of how sorry he was etc.
He stayed with his family for a month,children had little contact with him,he spent alot of time alone and then we found out he had moved in with ow.Didnt even have the guts to tell us he was moving there.

Cut along story short didnt last long about a week later when he realised he needed and wwanted me he made it clear in a visit to me tthat he wanted to come back.
He moved in with friends and we saw him most days for about a month,we then decided it was time to come home.

That was 7 months ago,its been the hardest thing to go through the days I have go from totally happy he is home and we are together,to hurt sadness anger that I and our children have been subjected to this,we really dont deserve to have been treated this way.
I have to accept he was suffering with some sort of breakdown, he was on a trail of destruction, going from bad to worse....

We are mainly happy I feel I need to talk about it , he understands that but guess he would rather just not have to deal with the finer details.There has also been abit of a breakdown with his contact with some of his family members,they obviously find the situation difficult ti handle,some cant understand why he cant spend more time with them,truth is things were said by some of them and he strugggles with that as I do.
However I would never come between him and his family.
He still works for the company he dislikes, but he is self employed and times are difficult for most in some way.
We were having counselling for the past 6months for have recently stopped,dont really know how far you can go with it. Would not hesitate to go back if needed.
Just wish that outside issues were having such an effect on us moving on.
I love him very much, but I to would never go through this again I would have to accept that should it ever happen again, it wouldnt be about somebody having a mental breakdown but more about a real weakness in him.
We have been tgether for 26 yrs married for 22yrs.It has mainly been a very happy marriage,very close doing most things together.
He is your typical man finds it hard to talk about how he feels, but is getting better about opening up.
My hope is that we make it through this crisis.
Great website it helps so much knowing there are people to share similar experiences with.

countingto10 Fri 28-Aug-09 11:06:27

I think Hope5 that you can't look at the affair in isolation, you have to look at it as a whole set of appalling circumstances that culminated in an affair - our therapist likened it to filling up with the wrong fuel (which is ironic as my DH has put the wrong fuel in our car 3 times now for real !) - doing something because they feel empty inside because of everything that is going on in their lives and chosing the wrong fuel !! They didn't mean to do it but they weren't thinking straight etc.

Your situation sounds so similar to mine - my DH lived with OW for 6 weeks (found it very hard to extricate himself from her - extremely manipulative and controlling) then stayed with his mum for about 6 weeks whilst staying at mine for 2/3 days a week to help with DC. He needed to straighten himself out.

He originally left for OW about a week before my DS1 took his GCSEs even though I pleaded with him to wait (had no idea about OW then) but he said he had to go as needed his "space". What sane man would do that to their child !!! Apparently ow had told the kids would be alright, would get over it as her kids had (she had been married twice, had 2 teenasge kids and was 39 yrs old FFS - not a young naive girl!!! - she had even kicked her H out at xmas to make way for my DH even though he wasn't even seeing her then, other than as an acquaintence).

He had his results yesterday and failed 4 that he was expected to pass so I had him in tears, me in tears as it brought all the trauma and devastation back and DH beating himself up again the guilt etc. We will never know if my DH leaving played a part (I think it did) but fortunately the results don't impact on his college course etc.

Sorry for the rant - can you tell I am angry all over again because of the GCSEs grin - DH got it again this morning as well grin grin

hope5 Fri 28-Aug-09 13:25:43

I would be exactly the same,we to had our youngest recieving exam results too, fortunately she got brilliant results.She too has been through a horrible ordeal and still has days where she feels those awful emotions,but they are very necessary.So for us its all good as far as her education goes.
Like your son at least you have peace of mind that he can do college, a whole new start for him.
Its so hard for the kids to, I personally think its harder as they get older, they understand so much more.
Our children love there dad to bits, but have been very hurt by his actions,they all get on just like before the crisis, but are alittle wary I guess they lost a bit of respect for him.But slowly there relationship with him is returning as Im sure you son will with his dad.It helps them to know how dad feels too.Im sure like our house there have been lots of tears, and will continue to have a few more, all part of the healing process.
Hope your son feeling a little better today!

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