Should i ? shouldn't i?..... creating a dsyfunctional family!

[strugstu]

my life/family is fairly cosy at the moment and i know this would disrupt it, but.....
my dp and i have been in a relationship for almost two years(but we dont live together). he asks me fairly regularly to marry him and i always say we cant afford to.
he has two teenagers who live with him - i have two teenagers that live with me. we would need a five bedroomed house, which neither of us could afford a mortgage for - and u dont see them come up for rent very often. But to be honest i use this as an excuse.

i dont think i could live with his children, they are messy, selfish, rude, always stinging him for cash, despite the fact they have pocket money, and work part time in a shop. they have friends in the house when he's not there despite being told not too, they drink their dads wine etc. (they are 16 and 18 mine 18 and 19)
my children are no angels but they are nothing like his.
my kids think it would be ok, his dd does too, his ds never expresses an opinion.(so i dont think he would be over keen)
i do love him tho- but i'm not sure i love him enough to live with his children IYSWIM.
am i being selfish? should i bite the bullet?
anyone got any experience of this?

[jjash]

if it was me i`d stick with what you have .Or is dp really not happy to do that anymore? Sounds like you have worries that his children would be a major issue[can see why]I have 3 teenage step girls and to be honest find it hard when they are here for more than a week as lovely as they are .We have been through alot with them and nearly split up over it .
God , really sound negative dont i? sorry!! I just think you sound like its a pretty well balanced life right now .I dont think you are being selfish -maybe you could agree to do it in a years time when his kids may have done the teenage thing and be more adult?

[Caligula]

If I were you, I'd hold out until his kids had left home!

Sorry, probably not very constructive, but if you don't think you love him enough to live with his children, it's too big a risk to test that suspicion - in about five years, they'll be out in the big wide world (or at least a bit more grown up) and will be easier to cope with.
I don't know whether you're being selfish, I think you're being cautious and using your common sense. You suspect that the limits of your relationship would be broken by living with him at this moment in time, so you're not going to do the very thing that you know may break you up. Seems quite a reasonable position to me. In five years time, your feelings may be very different.

[strugstu]

dp wants us to be together, i want that to- but knowing how i feel about his kids i think it would be a major issue, and put a strain on our relationship- he thinks we will be strong together and be able to tackle problems with the children if they arise (if!) he doesnt really know how i feel about his kids- after all you cant really tell him they are brats- can you!
trouble is i have my own home with a decent bit of equity in it, my kids are self sufficient almost, i finish my degree this year, so , if successful will have a better job soon- moving in together feels very threatening

[assumedname]

As your kids and his kids have been brought up differently, I don't think it would work if you put them all together and wouldn't be fair on anybody.

Wait 2 or 3 years until they've all left home. You could tell him that you'd like to move area/buy a cute 2 bedroom cottage so would rather wait than struggle with the mortgage for a 5 bed house?

What about a long engagement?

[Caligula]

Call me cynical, but I wouldn't put the security you've got under threat, for what you know yourself is a relationship which isn't quite strong enough at this stage to withstand the buffeting it may get if you move in together. I think you're very wise to stand back for now. If you have a future together, waiting for another three or four years won't hurt.

[GRMUM]

I don't think you are being at all selfish. I would carry on as you are, especially if you are hoping to get a better/more responsible job soon -that may cause you extra stress. Reassess in 2 years -you should be established in your job ,all the children will be that much more mature and perhaps living independantly.

[WideWebWitch]

I agree, wait. Sorry, not much to add but I can't see any benefit to you of moving in together, in fact it will positively make your life harder! When if you wait things will be much less complicated. And once they've left home if you move in together, then your joint house = YOUR rules will count in a slightly different way than they would right now.

[strugstu]

wise words- thankyou all....i think i know in my heart it wouldnt work at the moment..... there is part of me that wants to make it work and help bring some sanity and order to his family (the virgo in me!) but the truth is i dont think i would cope they would drive me insane!

i can certainly put it off for a while, but i think eventually i will have to be honest with him to a degree (well i wont tell him his children are spawn of the devil!)

i quite like the status quo tbh i get a stimulating satisfying relationship without having to wash his socks

[pinotgrigio]

I agree with everybody completely. As a stepmum who's been there, I would say to go for a long engagement & use the time to save up for a wedding day somewhere special.

[strugstu]

have u found it dificult pinot?

[pinotgrigio]

Well, yes and no really. DPs kids are great, so no complaints there really.

It was financially awkward though having a big enough house to fit everybody into, even though they were only there 4 days of the month. We also had to keep the house on in the UK when we went to live in Holland, so we had somewhere for the custody visits. It was very expensive. They were younger then though (they are 14 & 19 now, but I knew them from 5 & 10). It was worth it TBH, as they had stability and their own rooms etc.

Not sure that would be the case in your situation, as they are so much older and also set in their ways.