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Please please please help! complicated affair issues.

(37 Posts)
Charl75 Mon 24-Aug-09 22:19:29

I posted about 3 months ago to say my husband had told me he no longer loved me and wanted a separation (we have a 16 month old DS). I suggested councelling, going away together etc etc all of which he declined. It's since transpired that he has developed a relationship with a work colleague whom he was constantly texting (and more?) 3 months before he left.This weekend I told him I could get over it and wanted to work on becoming a happy family together. He cried and said he wished he felt differently but he didnt want to try again. Although I've been broken I am accepting this.
My main problem is this....he comes to visit DS most nights but spends approximately 50mins to an hour with him and then spends 50 mins to an hour showering, shaving and generally getting himself ready to go to this woman - he thinks I don't know this. He has sworn blind tonight that no relationship is taking place and that he's stopping with friends/his parents out of the area.I have asked him to be honest with me and assured him that I accept we are over and that I would never use DS as a pawn in our relationship. I have secretly found out where this woman lives and my sister has driven past her house for 2 nights in a row at 7.30 and half past midnight. His car is there. The huge problem is that I am reliant on him to fulfil joint financial obligations such as a large mortgage and joint loans which are ALL in my name due to his credit history.
I want to tell him that I know what he's doing and not to treat me like a fool but there's a chance he could stop paying and leave me in huge financial trouble. On the other hand should I keep quiet and carry on letting him use the place like a hotel. He would argue that he still pays half the mortgage which is true. I really need your help as I'm close to a breakdown

CarGirl Mon 24-Aug-09 22:23:54

which option give you the most self-esteem?

You playing him because you know what he is doing?

Could you ask him not to come every day, that does seem a bit full on for you to cope with, perhaps every other day? Or him babysit whilst you go out?

FluffySaysTheDailyMailsShite Mon 24-Aug-09 22:26:10

sad, sweetie, it doesn't matter what he's doing as you are no longer together. What is important now is that he's seeing his son. Tell him to take ds out so he's not using your home to get himself ready to go out, this isn't on. He's told you that he doesn't want to try again, I know this is hard, I've been there myself. You can't force or convince him to be with you, it's not going to happen. What you need to do is make you and your son a life without him, I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I spent years wanting ds's father to come back, it does take so much time and I know the pain you are going through now, it does get better, I promise you this.

He needs to move out if things are this bad, if he's still living with you it's really not helping you at all.

Charl75 Mon 24-Aug-09 22:28:09

I'm scared that I have no choice but to either put up with things the way they are or risk losing the house/facing financial ruin. The house is on the market by the way. It feels like I have to forfeit self esteem for economic survival

hope5 Mon 24-Aug-09 22:28:23

I would seek legal advice, from that you can decide which way to go.Stay strong and remember this is your future and your child, dont be giving him an easy time think of your future, if he doesnt want to be with you its his loss Im sure in time he will come to realise what he has lost.Look after yourself.

anothermum92 Mon 24-Aug-09 22:30:04

Message withdrawn

oliviasmama Mon 24-Aug-09 22:31:08

any equity in the house??

Charl75 Mon 24-Aug-09 22:34:31

It is hard but I do accept it is over.
I just can't stand him showering, ironing, shaving, eating my food then setting off each night pretending to go to friends. I hate that he uses the house like a hotel to get ready to go out and lies too but if I object he may withdraw all his financial obligations which consists of a monthly standing order into may account that covers his obligations and could easily be stopped.
I feel like a fool.
I wish the house would sell then I wouldn't be tied to this situation.

missingtheaction Mon 24-Aug-09 22:35:08

God how awful for you.

There are two things getting muddled here.

IMO firstly you need to see a solicitor so you can understand understand what protection you have and what his obligations are to you, and put things in place that will protect you financially if your relationship turns sour.

When you know your position, then you can decide if you are going to tell him to stop taking the pi** and to bugger off to wherever he is living and have his showers there. He decided to move out; he doesn't live with you any more. Whether he is going to see a gf or going to give out soup at the local soup kitchen he doesn't have the right to just use the place like a hotel. That's what leaving means - you decide you're not living there any more, it's not your home, you lose your rights.

I know it's really difficult, but you are going to have to start viewing his actions as you would view those of a stranger. Is he being reasonable, polite, fair? no. You do need to set yourself some standards and maintain some dignity.

Horrible situation. Easy to give advice. Bear up - one day at a time at this stage.

Charl75 Mon 24-Aug-09 22:35:41

No equity at all

anothermum92 Mon 24-Aug-09 22:36:30

Message withdrawn

oliviasmama Mon 24-Aug-09 22:36:42

unfortuntely on the loan side of things, if they are in your name and you have signed documentation as such, it is a legally binding agreement / contract between you and the financee of which you are resposible to repay.

Charl75 Mon 24-Aug-09 22:37:21

Seeing solicitor tomorrow but I suspect the news won't be good as everything is in my name.

CarGirl Mon 24-Aug-09 22:37:40

if you've got no equity would it be worth considering going bankrupt? In which case you can tell him to Feck off?

At any time in the future he could stop paying those debts that are in your name and you'd be well and truly stuck. He could hang it over you for the next x years?

oliviasmama Mon 24-Aug-09 22:38:22

oh shit - I was thinking that would pay off the loan

sweethoney Mon 24-Aug-09 22:38:45

You DH obviously cares about your DS, he will pay the mortgage and bills because he knows that if he doesn't your DS will suffer too.

I would try to be strong which isn't easy you are hurt and disappointed. Accept he isn't coming back.

Don't provoke him, but simply say you want to take steps to start re establishing your life with your DS. You are happy for him to carry on seeing your DS, but it can't be every evening as it is confusing for you and will eventually become confusing for your DS. Maybe he can see him 1/2 in the week and an afternoon at the weekend? He may not like this, but the reality he is walked out on you and his DS and can't just come round each eve as he chooses whether he owns the house with you or not.

I wouldn't mention the other woman, what good would it do if he admitted it? It is v insensitive of him.

You sound lovely, you will get through this. Think what is best for you and your DS in the long term.

Charl75 Mon 24-Aug-09 22:39:12

My not quite ex H is easily led by others and I think that the OW or his friends might suggest he stops paying as he is always in financial dire straits.

anothermum92 Mon 24-Aug-09 22:39:17

Message withdrawn

Charl75 Mon 24-Aug-09 22:42:49

Thanks all of you for your advice.
Still so unsure what to do. Bankrupsy not an option as I want to secure a new property for me and my DS. Big loans paid off in feb which is a huge bonus.

sweethoney Mon 24-Aug-09 22:46:00

From a financial point of view. No equity in the house, no asset. Depending on the level of loan, if it is huge and you cannot pay, declare yourself bankrupt. You will be rid of all his debt and it could be the fresh start you need.

Not great to have on your record but I think it is wiped within 2 years. You will be free of debt, the threat of your husband not paying and your husband will have to pay maintenance and support depending on his income. Once the house is sold it will also be from around your neck.

Keep the emotions and finances separate. You are a mom with a DS to think of. He won't come back and doesn't deserve to.

sweethoney Mon 24-Aug-09 22:48:16

If loan is almost paid off keep going until Feb. Not far away and then whole new life for you and DS. A fresh start. Allow yourself to be sad, but make firm plans for the future. A new place for you and DS sounds fab.

CarGirl Mon 24-Aug-09 22:53:22

Can you try and get your head around the fact you pretending that you don't know what he's up to is actually taking him for a ride?

Seriously I would insist on a couple of evenings per week when he doesn't come around and that he takes ds out at the weekend rather than being in the house?

Little but often contact is best for your ds but you do need some space too.

Charl75 Mon 24-Aug-09 22:56:15

Do you think I should say to him that I know where he is each night and to feck off there for his showers etc and risk his share of payments stopping or just keep quiet, plod on, put up with it until house is sold when i will be financially independent apart from loans which are nearing their end?

Sorry -had a bit too much wine.

CarGirl Mon 24-Aug-09 22:59:13

I'd keep quiet, smile sweetly & patronisingly at him but then I'm mercenary.

Keep OW out of it just focus on him babysitting once per week and getting at least one other evening without him coming over.

Charl75 Mon 24-Aug-09 23:02:28

Sorry CarGirl - you think I'm taking him for a ride? I didn't think so. I'm just frightened of his reaction
I do think you have good advice though.
Also don't want DS to be around OW

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