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Trust, friends and porn

(26 Posts)
bigbrain Mon 24-Aug-09 14:06:40

Haven't posted much but will try to keep brief.

few wks ago my dh and I went to my best friend's bday party. She looked amazing, but my dh just went on about how he wanted to shag her (so did some other male friends who are gay!). And then, whilst I was on phone to her, he was shouting in bkground if she hadn't noticed when he'd tried to snog her when he left party - this was a joke, I think. I was pretty upset about this and told him it was inappropriate as it made me feel insecure. He just laughed and said he was doing it as laugh with our other friends. Then we went on holiday together were she went topless and this made me feel even more insecure (my prob not hers!). She's quite a tactile person, but I didn't notice anything untoward. Then after our hols I found out that he's been looking at porn on web. I asked him about it and he said he was bored and I wasn't around. Hmmm. I'm not sure if he's done it before. With a young ds and dd, our sex life is pretty quiet although things improved slightly on hols. He's not a usually a demonstrative or particularly sexual person, but now I'm thinking it's got something to do with less attraction for me. The porn and flirtation may not be linked but sadly in my head it is! I know all that stuff about fantasising about other people being normal, but this is too close too home and I don't know how to deal with. Help! Thanks.

GypsyMoth Mon 24-Aug-09 14:10:26

the porn i see as normal.

but those remarks to her,not on!!

PolkSaladLucie Mon 24-Aug-09 14:11:24

I would say that the porn and the flirting are not linked.

I wouldn't be bothered by porn (I'd rather my husband watched it and had a wank than had an affair!) but I would be bothered by the flirting. I think talking about how much you want to shag a friend is inappropriate and rather imature.

Either way, if it bothers you, I would talk to him and explain things, if he values you and your relationship, he should modify his behaviour.

And try and make time for each other and keep that side of your relationship alive, it's so easy to get out of the habit and forget about sex.

Tortington Mon 24-Aug-09 14:12:43

i like to remind my husband that i am attractive and that i am with him becuase i love him - rather than becuase no-one esle will have me.

i think this is something to remember - whilst you can chase after him , play detective, ask him not to etc.... his mind never for one instance thinks that another man may find you attractive?

i think he needs reminding that your a woman too

ladyofshallots Mon 24-Aug-09 14:13:09

I would be absolutely furious if dh did this. The porn wouldn't bother me as much as the comments about the best friend. I think I would have left the party and locked dh out for the night if he dared disrespect me like that.

mosschops30 Mon 24-Aug-09 14:15:59

The porn wouldnt bother me at all, Id be happy for dh to be looking at stuff in a mag or a film or whatever.

However I would not put up with him behaving like that to a friend, or anyone, like that in front of me. Most people flirt and its a harmless bit of fun, but to do it in front of your partner is disrespectful, he needs to shape up

PM73 Mon 24-Aug-09 14:17:50

The porn i dont see a problem with,but commenting about wanting to shag a mate in front of you? shock

I would be livid,beyond belief!

Custardo has got it spot on - he needs reminding that you are a woman who can turn heads.

What did your friend say when your dh said that to her?

MmeLindt Mon 24-Aug-09 14:20:47

I agree with the others that the porn is not a problem.

His behaviour towards your friend is however a huge problem as it is inappropriate and disrespectful towards you.

He should be concentrating on you and your sex life rather than making silly comments to your friend, especially when he sees that it upsets you.

coldmeatandhowtodisguis Mon 24-Aug-09 14:30:13

I'm not quite so sure about the porn. I don't think it's bad in principle, but it depends how often he's using it, and whether it is replacing sex with you in the 'real' world. If he's banging one out several times a day for example, and he's not doing it with you then I reckon it is an issue.

I would not tolerate those kind of comments about anyone, let alone my friend. It's hugely disrespectful. Not only to you but to her too. I would find it just grim if one of my mates' partners started going on about how he wanted to 'shag' me. It's crude. He may fancy her, but then again you probably fancy other men. The difference is you don't start bellowing about it in a hideous neanderthal manner. His behaviour reminds me of twatty seventeen year old lads in a nightclub, showing off and leering, thinking they are some kind of King Kong.

It would make me feel deeply uncomfortable. If I was in your position I would just be furious. Not sure how I would cope with it. The thing is if you go mental at him, he's just going to shrug it off. If you start flirting with other men, it's kind of stooping to his level. If you do the whole, agent provocateur underwear thing to liven up your sex life, you'll end up feeling even shitter if he doesn't respond in an over zealous way. My solution would be to design some severe ball clampers to put on him which are designed to tighten as he makes disrespectful remarks.

bigbrain Mon 24-Aug-09 14:52:00

Thanks everyone. I too see the porn as not a prob really But am glad to be vindicated about the comments he made. I thought maybe I was being over-sensitive, but it just keeps gnawing at me. Yes, he can act like a twatty 17 yr old sometimes and ball clampers might just be a good idea! But a proper chat (I spend my life doing this) might help too.

PM73 - my friend responded by saying he must be crap snogger as she didn't notice anything. Is that a put down? Hmmm.

Thanks again. I feel stronger.

AnyFucker Mon 24-Aug-09 14:58:29

that was a good response by your friend, bb

just the right side of patronising and humiliating, but not enough to cause too much bad feeling

it seems your dh is doing a good job of that, all by himself

GetOrfMoiLand Mon 24-Aug-09 15:04:16

He is being an idiot. That comment about wanting to shag your friend is hugely crass and insulting to you.

Would not be too impressed with the porn use either, tbh, but the whole fancying your friend in front of you scenario would piss me off.

dittany Mon 24-Aug-09 15:10:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad Mon 24-Aug-09 15:13:26

dittany - female porn stars get paid too! Often much higher wages than male porn stars, btw.

AnyFucker Mon 24-Aug-09 15:14:52

noooooo, don't start the porn debate again < cringes >

dittany Mon 24-Aug-09 15:14:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thesecondcoming Mon 24-Aug-09 15:32:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RumourOfAHurricane Mon 24-Aug-09 15:36:12

Message withdrawn

mosschops30 Mon 24-Aug-09 16:12:47

oh please shut up about the porn debate, no more encouragement.
This thread is about the OP's feelings about her dh's treatment of her, not whether porn is right or wrong

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad Mon 24-Aug-09 16:15:29

blush Didn't realise how contentious the porn thing was, sorry. Have no wish to hijack. blush

cocolepew Mon 24-Aug-09 16:18:47

He was being disrespectful to both you and your friend.

AnyFucker Mon 24-Aug-09 16:19:22

no worries tafka, don't be blush

its just the porn debate tends to be very polarised, goes round and round in circles, people get upset and it can never come to a satisfactory conclusion

I really think, its just one of those issues where people have to agree to disagree

there are others...... grin

thesecondcoming Mon 24-Aug-09 16:41:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany Mon 24-Aug-09 16:53:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HolyGuacamole Mon 24-Aug-09 18:28:32

OP it is how you feel about porn that is important. Some people love it, some people don;t mind it and others hate it with a passion and have very strong views on it. Every persons opinion is valid but when it comes to your relationship, it is how you feel about it that matters.

Only you can say what your limits are, what is acceptable to you and what you are prepared to put up with.

If I were you, I'd be pissed about the friend situation. OK, maybe your friend is attractive and that is fine. You might accept that your DH feels that she is attractive and again, that is fine. However, the way that he is verbalising it is insensitive (at the very least). I actually think the way he done it is quite chancer-ish and tacky. If he makes his feelings known jokingly, then it is just that - a joke. But what if your friend felt the same? What if it makes you feel uncomfortable - that matters and you're feelings are valid. I dunno, it just seems very laddish and yuck to me.

However, I do see the porn and the flirting to be two very seperate issues, but that they both hit at your insecurity. Neither of them means cheating is going to happen but the friend thing wouldn't sit comfortably with me.

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