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I think I know what to do...

(20 Posts)
torn2009 Sun 23-Aug-09 20:01:06

I am a single mum to 2 lovely DD's, my XH is an abusive arse but unfortunately still very much around !
I am an independant professional though in a fair amount of financial shite thanks to XH which will hopefully get sorted eventually!

I have a lovely new DP of about 8 months now, he lives and works away so we see him about 1 week every month, and he has been gradually spending more time with us (initially stayed in a hotel), and last week we went on a short UK holiday with him (me, him and the DD's)

He genuinely is a nice guy, caring and generous, seems to love my DD's and doesnt mind staying in, spending time with them, they seem to like him a lot.
He has taken a fair bit of shit from XH and seen me pretty low because of XH, but doesnt seem to scare him off.

He helps when he is here, never criticises me, or loses his temper, is very generous and helps out, all in all a great guy!

The problem really is me, I dont know whether I was just not ready for a relationship, or whether I really am the controlling bitch my XH says I am, or whether I am so messed up in the head by the years of emotional abuse from my XH, I just dont know!

What I do know, is that DP annoys me Everything he does gets on my nerves, if I am honest I have been feeling like this for a while, but it was just intensified by being away with him for the week

I am not even sure what it is that annoys me so much On paper he is as near to damn perfect, but TBH all I felt when he left tonight, was relief ......and sadness that I felt like that!

Can I give some examples, he is always touching/stroking me - and I mean always - I'm cooking dinner, he's stroking my back like I'm a baby, watching TV he's rubbing my foot like a maniac
He looks at me with this pained expression like I am some poor hard done by baby that needs "saving", and always asks if I'm ok, if I can manage - which I find so patronising (I'm a 38 year old professional, who managed fine before him)
He seems to get frustrated with my elder DD1, whenever she is a little cheeky or moany, he sighs and has that pained look.
I adore my DD1, she is bright and clever, and yes a bit cheeky like most 8 year olds but she is mostly a fantastic girl

It all sounds a bit pathetic and superficial I know, but I just think I need to end it now before we are even more serious and its an even harder wrench for all of us, and I mean him as well, I think he will be devastated not only losing me but the DD's as well

Think is I just have no idea how to do it, I am so pathetic didnt have the courage to say anything to him, but am dreading the thought of him being back in 3 weeks

SerendipitousHarlot Sun 23-Aug-09 20:04:25

Just from your description, he's getting right on my fooking nerves grin

Seriously though... I personally don't think it will work long term if he's already irritating you. Just think how bad it would be 10 years down the line shock

torn2009 Sun 23-Aug-09 20:16:00

Oh I forgot the worst...
He talks in a baby voice not all the time, but enough for it to drive me mad....he says "dwive" etc and sticks his bottom lip out when he asks something shock

And I just read the "groping thread", he does that too - kinda flips my nipples - I have asked him repeatedly not too, told him Xh used to grope me all the time and I hated it, he stops for a while but then starts and tonight he moaned that he can never touch my nipples

Oh dear I feel so bad moaning about him when he really is a good guy, I need to end it now dont I - is ending an 8 month relationship by email a big no no

ridingjoker Sun 23-Aug-09 20:26:09

he's getting on my nipples from your description aswell already

AnyFucker Sun 23-Aug-09 20:34:43

eww, bin him

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sun 23-Aug-09 20:38:17

I get the feeling he is doing what he thinks he should be doing some of the time.

torn2009 Sun 23-Aug-09 20:40:06

yes I think you're right - he just wants to please me, and is a little immature/inexperienced - I justcant bear it and the thought of us still being together in 10 years never mind 3 weeks is filling me with dread!

AnyFucker Sun 23-Aug-09 20:43:14

nice way to put it FBGIB

put I couldn't stand it either

far too needy/desperate

bin, bin, bin

skidoodle Sun 23-Aug-09 20:43:35

Yes, you know what to do. Good luck.

ridingjoker Sun 23-Aug-09 20:45:29

good luck rofl grin

had image of torn marching to her doom in style of war hero's in times gone by.

duke748 Sun 23-Aug-09 20:49:02

Just a quick thing I noticed that you mentioned you xh 6 times in your OP. I think you need to sort out your head so he isn't in it and there is more room for a new man in there.

torn2009 Sun 23-Aug-09 20:53:07

Yes you're right I know that - though TBH the thought of just me and my girls by ourselves is a pleasing one !

skidoodle Sun 23-Aug-09 20:55:37

Is she a womble in your image? That's what I'm seeing now: a womble in armour riding off to her doom.

It will be a tough thing to do though - as annoying as he sounds, he is a probably a decent guy and the op is fond of him. He has been part of their improving life without the abusive ex. They'll all miss him, no matter that it's the right thing.

duke748 Sun 23-Aug-09 20:56:16

That sounds perfect to me!

(And sorry if my last post sounded harsh, I didn't mean it to be.)

kittywise Sun 23-Aug-09 21:05:01

Dp has just read this and said, without hesitation, that for saying "dwive" your bloke should be sacked immediatelygrin

That bit made me feel queasy, yukshock

hatesponge Sun 23-Aug-09 21:06:49

Torn - parts of your post read so like my own life - except for the fact I have DSs not DDs!

My ex is quite a nasty piece of work at times; he used to tell me all the time I was a controlling bitch, and when we were together & since used to warn me I would never find anyone else to put up with me hmm

Going through stuff like that I think makes it harder to trust your instincts - however deep down I know (as I'm sure do you!) that it is our Exs who have the problem not us. If your current DP, nice though he is, is irritating you, thats not because you're a bitch. It's because he IS irritating grin

Am sure you are making the right decision; he was the right guy at the time a few months ago when you needed a shoulder to dry on, and some sympathy. Now time has passed, your needs are different.

I will warn you though - I bet he will cry (a LOT) when you end it; and he'll probably do the kicked puppy look as well

Possibly ending it by email is better - at least then you won't have to see or hear him upset blush

kittywise Sun 23-Aug-09 21:32:14

I do remember once stealing myself to end things with a rather irritating ex. We had a very long phone convo and I was very relieved to find that he had taken this very well.

It turned out though that he had taken it so well because he had chosen not to believe me and still considered us an item!


anothermum92 Sun 23-Aug-09 21:39:46

Message withdrawn

dittany Sun 23-Aug-09 21:43:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

warthog Sun 23-Aug-09 22:23:13

if he doesn't make you feel good, he's got to go.

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