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When does it get easier?

(25 Posts)
dearmama Sat 22-Aug-09 20:08:45

Hey ladies....

Im finding it really hard to move on from my ex finding someone new, we have only been broke up 5 months and thats how old our son is...he cheated on me several times and It was me that finally left him just after the baby was born and I thought I didnt want him but now after hearing this I am all over the place crying again everyday.
He is introducing her to his family, takes her calls in front of me, and when I told him that I am hurt by this he told me to deal with it and that she is there and will be there for years.

He is being so cruel, he doesnt care about me at all and when he comes here to see the baby which is only once a week he takes her calls right next to me and that kills me.

I dont know what to do, this is all I seem to think about and I just want to move on myself but I cant.

We broke up in April he was asking me to go back all up until the end of May we were still hugging and kissing and even sleeping together then in June i found out he had a new girl when I asked him if he had found someone, as before he was here almost every day and would call me all the time and we would talk and get along. I wanted to go back to him when he was asking but in the back of my mind I knew he would hurt me again, yet the thought of him with someone new hurts like hell.

He told me I am nothing but his baby mother and now he calls once a day or every other day and just asks how the baby is, 2 second phonecalls and he is gone.

I am trying so hard to be strong, I wont find someone for a long long time as I never go anywhere and plus im not ready, I thought I was going to be with this man forever.

Everytime I feel stronger about this situation and tell my self to just accept it, he calls and we have the 2 sec phonecall and I am there thinking about him again, or when he comes here if i try and be normal with him and not show any emotion she calls and he picks up and I break down again.

Please help i hate feeling like this.

(sorry its so long)

toddlerama Sat 22-Aug-09 20:14:24

It will get easier. So sorry you are feeling like this. Surround yourself with friends, family other mums. Get out and meet people to fill that space in your life even if you don't think you'll find a new partner any time soon. Doesn't mean you have to be lonely. x

dearmama Sat 22-Aug-09 20:21:09

Thanx....my trouble is I dont really have many friends,never have. The ones I do are busy with their own lives I talk to them but I dont really have anyone. As for family I only have my mom and she tries but doesnt really understand.

Im just in a mess, dont know how to deal with this, I know I have my beautiful baby and if it wasnt for him I would be more of a wreck, but my ex has moved on so quick and is happy, while im depressed.

I hate this.

Feels like the 2 year relationship we had meant nothing and I might as well have been a one night stand he knocked up.

MyGoldenNotebook Sat 22-Aug-09 20:23:04

He's being very insensitive, but rather than feeling hurt you should see this as another reason not to be with him, as he is obviously ridiculously selfish.

Have you considered that maybe one of the reasons that he is pushing his new girlfriend in your face is because he is outraged by the break-up and he wants to hurt you?

You made the right decision but you knew it was never going to be easy. You have to pull yourself together for your own sake. Hide the way you feel when he is there because he isn't worth it and it will only make him feel validated - the wonderful proof that you were wrong and he is ompossible not to love.

He's a cheater. If you were together again he would do it again. Do you really think he will never cheat on this new girl?

It is hard to think this when you're at home with a young baby, but the world is a big place and there are lots of men out there and 99% of the are more worthy than him.

xx

dearmama Sat 22-Aug-09 20:38:59

I know you right he is a selfish jerk, this is why I am confused as to why im feeling this way, he doesnt deserve me i know that.

Maybe he will cheat on her I dont know but she must mean a lot for him to be with her instead of me and his baby, and she knows he has just had a baby and still wants to be with him so she must really like him.

I wish i didnt care but i do

dittany Sat 22-Aug-09 20:45:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ridingjoker Sat 22-Aug-09 20:51:35

she doesn't trust him.... and he knows it.... hence he must take calls infront of you.

dearmama Sat 22-Aug-09 21:00:59

He says he is happy now and he is glad things turned out the way they did...he keeps twisting that knife. I wish I didnt have to deal with him but i have to now for the rest if my life. This is not what I wanted I wanted me him and our son to be a family, I am gutted to be a single mother but I know I can do it. Its just dealing with him and this new girl i am finding difficult.

I might try and arrange visits without us seeing us each...maybe when he comes here i should go out although i have nowhere to go, I am living with my mom at the moment until i get somewhere so i could leave the baby with her for him to come see.

You know the funny thing is around one month ago he was called me and we talked for ages about general stuff and then he would talk about us and the good times...and he came over that night to see the baby and was askin me for a massage and 'other stuff" which i didnt gie him I just said ask your girlfriend thats not my job anymore...why does he do that?

And still now when he comes over he will kiss me on the cheek or something or when he is leaving and i am holding the baby he hugged us both the other day. He is messing with my head.

He keeps saying I am miserable and yes I am but only because he made me, and when I dont talk to him cos I am trying not to have any kind of relationship with him except for the baby as its too hard, we cant even be friends, he has the nerve to ask me whats the matter.

My head is a mess.

I am 27 and he is 23...I know the age difference should have made me think twice in the first place when we got together but he swept me off my feet and fell hard for him.

I feel like a real idiot now

dearmama Sat 22-Aug-09 21:03:13

ridingjoker.....maybe you have a point, thank you I didnt think of that.

That has made me feel a bit better for the next time it happens.

ridingjoker Sat 22-Aug-09 21:04:47

dearmama - for the present time being you have to leave when he visits.... or he has to take dc out away. but even then get your mum to do handover

you need some headspace or this is going to drive you nuts.

dearmama Sat 22-Aug-09 21:07:49

I know the only thing I can do to avoid him at the moment is not take his calls....but he is calling for his son and I dont want to stop their relationship

ridingjoker Sat 22-Aug-09 21:10:36

your at your mums. he can call the house and your mum can answer.

dearmama Sat 22-Aug-09 21:19:29

he wont he never has credit he has a vodafone and has me on his friends and family so it is free....if i pick up this is how convo goes...

Me:Hello
Him:yeah
Mesilence)
Him:How is my little man
Me:he is fine
Him:whats he doin?
Me:playing,sleep, etc (whatever he is doing)
Himcalls his name waiting for a noise from baby,sometimes tells him he loves him or misses him)
Mesilence)
Him: alright then
Me:bye
CLICK

It hurts me to even do that, he used to be the one I told everything to and now i cant even talk to him

ridingjoker Sat 22-Aug-09 21:22:41

get your mum to answer your phone when his number flashes up.

dearmama Sat 22-Aug-09 21:27:09

Yes I will do that for now, when I get my own place which hopefully will be soon, then I will just have to deal with it again.

I just wish I could stop thinkin about him...its sat night he prob with her now

ridingjoker Sat 22-Aug-09 21:28:59

so.... better than sitting in house on sat night thinking..... "wonder who's he's cheating on me tonight with?"

good riddance. and good luck to new gf. she'll need it.

dearmama Sat 22-Aug-09 21:35:39

lol yeah true!

I dont know why I am upset over him when he is such a b***d Hopefully it will get easier....im trying.

Speckledeggy Sat 22-Aug-09 21:42:03

Poor you!

He is a spineless toad and you deserve far better. You are upset for very good reason. You thought you would be with this man forever. Do not for one moment think of going back to him. The same thing will happen and I can say that from experience.

I think you need to set a few ground rules for your own sanity. Would you be able to arrange it that your Mum is there when he comes over? Also, do you have to give him telephone updates? Perhaps you could agree to sending him a text update a couple of times a week?

I'm sorry but this guy deserves no special treatment by the sound of it.

I was treated very badly by my ex-boyfriend. It took me a long time to get over it. I ended up going for hypnotherapy which literally changed my life. This is the one book which really helped me too:-
http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Make-Your-Man-Commit/dp/0340717807/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid =1250973538&sr=8-1
I know you don't want to commit to you but it will help to come to terms with what has happened.

dearmama Sat 22-Aug-09 21:47:49

Thanks a lot I will try that book...I dont want to get back with him, but then I am confused as to why i feel this way about him having a new girl, maybe I do want him back, but I know he is no good. I want to forget about him but we have a child.

I am going to sort something out so I dont have to deal with him....its the only way it seems that I can try and get through this.

How long before it started getting easier for you? and how did the hypno work? I have lost all my self esteem and after the baby I feel my body has gone to crap aswell...I want my confidence back.

Speckledeggy Sat 22-Aug-09 22:22:48

Don't waste your time and energy trying to work out why he found another girlfriend so quickly. You will never work out the answer. Even if you ask him it is very doubtful you will get the truth. If you take him back it will be history repeating itself and really don't want that. You do have a child together but surely it would be better for your baby to be single and happy than married and miserable?

Everything happens for a reason. At the moment it is impossible to know why this has happened but as one door closes another one opens. Keep in mind that things will get better. Also, keep your focus on yourself. Try to do things that make you feel better. It can be anything from a walk in the park with your baby to a night out with your best chum.

I went out with my ex for 2.5 years and it took 3 years to get over him. It was long and complex and I ended up getting back with him several times. Add in the fact that he had been seriously ill and I had saved his life/helped to nurse him back to health. Never in a million years did I think he would cheat on me once let alone several times! Knowing what I know now I would have let him go which is ultimately what he wanted.

I ended up in a complete black hole going round and round in circles. It was awful. I got so fed up I went for hypnotherapy. I found an absolutely lovely lady and went for 5 sessions. A hypnotherapist basically puts you into a really relaxed state then makes suggestions to you which your subconscious mind hears and stores away. They basically re-programme your brain so it's brilliant for self-esteem, confidence, etc. Each time I saw her I felt a bit better. About a month later I met my husband, a completely wonderful different person and never looked back.

Acknowledge your feelings and be kind to yourself. Things will get better I promise!

dearmama Sat 22-Aug-09 22:52:27

Thanks, they say time is a great healer and if it took 3 years for you then I guess I should just let it be and ride the storm as they say.

I might try that hypno, he really has borke me down into feeling like i am nothing and I want to be strong again so I am going to look into it.

I know I shouldnt waste my time asking why i want to be able to deal with it all.

Thanks to everyone that replied to me, as I said I dont have many friends and none of them have been in my position so thats why I came on here. You guys have really helped me tonight, I will look at this thread everytime I feel weak to him.

Step one...tomorrow when he calls I will pass the phone to my mom, I looked at a house today to rent so hopefully I will get the tenancy and can focus on all the moving and decorating my new home for me and my son. Maybe then I can really start to move on.

Speckledeggy Sun 23-Aug-09 00:26:29

It did take me three years but I wouldn't recommend it!

As much as you can, focus on the positives (i.e. your lovely baby, your new rented house, the new friends you are going to make). Write them down and put them in places where you will read them often.

I have quite a few hypnotherapy CDs which I have downloaded to my MP3. I normally listen to one every night when I go to sleep. It's normally whatever I need help with at the time! If you listen to them often they really help. Marisa Peer and Glenn Harrold are very good. One of these would probably help you:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ultimate-Confidence-Secrets-Yourself-Everyday/dp/140550580X/ref=sr_1 _4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250982615&sr=1-4

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Build-Your-Esteem-Glenn-Harrold/ dp/1901923266/ref=sr19?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250982918&sr=1-9

Also, hard as it may feel now, keep in mind you will probably look back and be thankful that this happened. I never thought I would trust a man ever again yet I met what I can only describe as my soul mate and got married in two years. I've never been happier.

Good luck!
x

poshsinglemum Sun 23-Aug-09 11:28:44

I'm sorry you are finding this so hard but he is a prize arsehole. You know this but you will move on. Do you really want such a cruel man? I know it's hard because he's the father of your child.

poshsinglemum Sun 23-Aug-09 11:53:21

Also, if I were you you I would look into him seeing your son at a mediation centre. then he won't be able to emotionally abuse you and he won't be able to rub his gf in your face. Please do this. He has bought it upon himself. he dosn't deserve to see his son.

SolidGoldBrass Sun 23-Aug-09 12:03:53

What a complete and utter spiteful bellend this man is. Please bear in mind at all times that he is hurting you ON PURPOSE. It must make him feel like a Real Man each time he reduces you to tears. This behaviour is not just thoughtless and selfish (a man so happy with his new partner that he can't be bothered to be tactful to his previous partner) it is actively cruel.
The first thing you should do is sit down and make a list of gross and twatty things about him. Imagine him sitting on the loo picking his nose, for instance (if he ever did anything embarassing or undignified when you were together, think about that). Start making a mental picture of him that's hugely unappealing (because he is hugely unappealing, spiteful people are disgusting).
Then, enlist your mum to help with handovers ie she can keep an ie on your X when he visits, and you can go out BUT don't make a big deal out of saying that you find it upsetting to see him, that will keep on feeding his ego. Just do your best to give the impression that you have other, better things to do than worry about your X. If you have contact with him, be calm and polite but just not very interested in him. THis will drive him demented and more importantly if you fake this kind of cool indifference to him you will soon start to feel it.
Best of luck.

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