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Help - taking it out on dd!

(6 Posts)
talie Sun 29-May-05 06:50:21

Following on from my thread 'desperate - need advice please'.

I really hate myself at this moment in time! I'm so tired, stressed, upset, angry etc. that I'm starting to take it out on my dd. I'm up several times a night with both dd's as they are very unsettled at the moment because of the situation and now eldest dd has started wetting the bed! So I'm lucky to get an hours sleep a night, plus I can't face eating at the minute and my energy levels are zero!

Everything she says at the minute is daddy this, daddy that, but that's daddy's, when's daddy coming home, when's he coming for his bags (that I've just packed for him to take away!) etc. It's just killing me. I've just shouted at her at the top of my voice and told her he is a complete arse that he doesn't want to be here so we haven't got a daddy any more! What a BITCH i am!!!! What am I going to do??????

I really resent my dd's at the minute and just want to give up on everything, tell him to come and take them away and just disappear somewhere! I know I would regret that if I did but that's just how I feel at the minute! I hate him, I hate myself. I resent the fact that he has just walked away back to his family, has everything done for him and leads this cushy new life, where I am stuck with the whole responsibility of selling the house, maintaining the house & car, rehoming the animals, taking care of the dd's etc. etc. - he's not got to lift a finger! Text him to ask him to take some of the responsibility from me - but surprise surprise, NO RESPONSE!! I then got angry and text his ex, asking her why she chose to come back into his life knowing full well he was married, to upset the apple cart and if the pair of them were telling me the truth about 'just friends' then respect me and my dd's and walk away from him right now to give us a chance! as I think she's formed such a strong bond with him that he thinks he's in love with her! Again, no response! I'm sorry but am I correct in thinking there must be something going on between them? If I was a true friend to someone and their partner was hurting badly and their marriage suffering, I would certainly forego my friendship with them if that was want they wanted, no matter how much it hurt me!

I want to just up and leave the house but know I can't do that because I need the monies from the house to help me build a new life for the dd's and myself, but it just doesn't happen overnight does it and I just can't bear the thought of being stuck in 'our' house for months on end waiting for it to sell before I can move on! If I up sticks before it is sold though, I know he would move in and delay the sale (if it ever got sold) as he has nowhere to live, other than with his family, and I would loose out BIG time - I can't afford to do that.

My only lifeline at the minute is family some distance away, who I talk to via the phone! I can go and stay with them for a break and I feel great when I do, but then as soon as I step back into this house, I drop back down and the whole negative process starts again for me!

I am waiting to see a counsellor but that is still a good few weeks away (can't afford to go private - I'm a SAHM and totally dependant on dh's money!)

Please help me.

Stargazer Sun 29-May-05 08:22:35


so sorry to hear your troubles. I don't have any advice, but sending you {{{{{Talie}}}}} and I'm sure that many of the others here will have loads of advice - particularly some of our more legally minded.

GRMUM Sun 29-May-05 10:02:38

Tallie sorry to hear about all this stress. Has your dh left recently? is that why dd is bedwetting? Is he seeing them at all and are they old enough to understand any of what is ahppening. It must be incredibly difficult for you.

I'm sure you don't mean to be like this with your dds but when you are feeling stressed, unsupported and alone it has to be very hard. Do you have any friends who are supportive?maybe take dds to give you a break or at least all spend time together.

AS far as the house goes from what I know you shouldn't leave.Why does it have to be sold - surely you will be entitled to stay there?

Hope you are feeling a bit less stressed this morning.

GRMUM Sun 29-May-05 10:18:26

Just read your other thread tallie - it sounds very distressing. I personnally wouldn't go on holiday with him but would go and try to get someone friend/mum/sister to come along for company. That way you won't be totally alone plus you'll have someone to share the care of dds with.

I think you need to get legal advice fast about the house and debts that dh is running up.You've got lots of great advice on the other thread. Wish i could help you in a practical way cos you do sound stressed but unfortunately I'm not in the uK.

talie Sun 29-May-05 16:42:11

I think I've gone and totally lost it and dug a big enough hole for him never to come back to us!!

He is refusing to answer my calls and texts asking him to help take some of the responsibility of everything he's left me with off of me and I just got so wound up I text his ex and took it out on her! After some rather heated texts back and forth, she says they are only friends! I suppose I now have to accept it if that's what they are both telling me - but why all the secrecy and why couldn't she have told me this the first time I contacted her instead of putting the phone down on me? It would have saved all this emotion building up inside me and I would have calmed down long before now!

DD is too young to understand what is actually going on, she's only a toddler but it is affecting her badly emotionally, as I said she's has bad dreams, cold sweats, wakes several times a night and has started wetting the bed! This has happened ever since he left us, and is worse after his visits, as she doesn't understand why he comes and goes again so much! She keeps asking if he is going to live with us! It really tears me apart.

I know I've got to get stronger and start leading my own life instead of being this crying dependent wreck, in order for him to appreciate what he has lost (hopefully) but I just can't seem to snap out of it at the minute and he makes me blow when he just wont take some of the pressure off me! But then why should he - hes left! I'm just so exhausted with the sleepless nights, I'm being totally irrational in everything I say and do and it's not helping my situation.

I am going to stay with relatives for a while next week, but like I say - it's only a temporary fix and then I crash down again as soon as I return home.

I know I'm entitled to stay in the house, but I have no support in this area - no friends or family, only him and I just can't stand to sit put and make it convenient for him to see the dd's at his beck and call! He has it so easy and I want to make it harder for him and hopefully make him miss us and want to come home.

Do they come home if you get on with your life or once they've gone do they stay away???????????

likklemum Sun 29-May-05 17:52:03

In my experience, you can never tell if they will come back or stay away - having said that, often the heart wants what it cant have. I have found that the best thing to do is to accept that him staying away is the way it is. My advice would be to make changes that will benefit you and dd's lives - without thinking 'will dh take me back if i do this or stay away if i do that'. i would suggest that the 1st being move to where your friends/family are as you need as much support as poss at this time. Then, if dh does decide to come back, you are in a position to decide if you want him back (if it will be beneficial for you and dd) not if you need him back (as you could be feeling now as you sound emotionally and financially vunerable).
Also, if you decided to take him back, would you be fine or would you worry about when he's going to leave again? Imagine how you and dd would feel if he decided to upsticks again.
know that it isnt easy and that all this is far easier to write than to carry out and, of course is just MHO, but hope it will help.

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