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I think I feel like I don't love anyone...

(18 Posts)
milki Fri 21-Aug-09 21:31:32

O don't really know what I'm trying to say but after another row with dp, have started thinking that I feel indifferent to everyone that I'm supposed to love. My children being the exception. I feel obligied to talk to my parents and bro, am not very interested friends- even though v important friends are having babies and I think I should care about that, now I am analysing it I even remember being surprised at my physical reaction to my nans death as emotionally I didn't feel affected. Really I could happily just run away with DDs to somewhere I'd never have to deal with anyone I know again.
Does anyone recognise or understand what I'm trying to say? I think it might unlock some of the huge problems I'm having with dp if I could undertand this.
Thanks, sorry for waffling.

trefusis Fri 21-Aug-09 21:35:09

Message withdrawn

lighthouse Fri 21-Aug-09 22:01:21

I am the sort of person who has had a few knocks and each time scar tissue is tougher than before. This my friend is a natural defence mechanism! The shutters as i like to call them. Everything else bounces off!

Bit difficult to break, I get angry and it takes days to calm down.

Don't know what the answer is but you are not alone!

milki Fri 21-Aug-09 22:08:11

Its nice to hear you feel similar, I recognise a lot of what you said, at least I'm not the only one! I feel sad that I feel like this though.

lighthouse Fri 21-Aug-09 22:14:19

I know, I love my DH and DD but not really bothered about anyone else and am very unforgiving, DH can't understand this, however that is now me and as I have got older I have become more intolerant.

Nothing wrong wth it either, makes you a stronger person, what I will say is that life is too short to be with someone who does not make you happy, can you imagine life without him? would it bother you really? When I get mad, I hate him but when I calm down I panic at the thought of losing him! is this just anger you feel?

sunfleurs Sat 22-Aug-09 11:10:18

Milki, you have just described me. I adore my dc and love being with them but can pretty much take or leave anyone else. I get social interaction here on MN and I am quite happy with that.

I actually feel tired and a bit stressed if someone I know calls my mobile and just cannot be arsed to talk to them half the time. I have to wait and build myself up until I am ready to talk. For this reason I never answer my landline phone, I don't know who it is.

Trefusis "I have a general lack of trust, and suspicion of other people's motives towards me". Exactly how I feel and sadly I have not often been proved wrong.

junglist1 Sat 22-Aug-09 11:17:13

And me!! Friends have sat there crying about problems etc and I've given advice, but I didn't care. That sounds really bad. Nothing makes me sad really apart from children and animals suffering. They are the only real innocents IMO, everyone else has the capacity to be a bastard and have probably been cruel to someone in their life so I don't care. That sounds really harsh written down.

Rolfaroo Sat 22-Aug-09 13:24:58

Gosh, I can't believe how common this sort of feeling is!

I am very similar - I love my little family unit (DP & DD) and to some extent the rest of my family, although their flaws are quite apparent to me.

When it comes to friends etc. I am sorry to say that more often than not I have either been let down, manipulated or used for the other person's needs (whether that is financial, psychological or emotional).
Like lighthouse says, the scar tissue just keeps getting bigger and so does the consequent 'wall'!

I often can't be arsed to answer the phone when people ring and recently let a friendship drift because she kept giving me grief over a 'hurtful' message I sent her on her birthday (I was on holiday) which wished her a good day but didn't say the exact words she wanted to hear! hmm Why do people behave like this?!
I just don't have the inclination to continue toxic relationships like that!

Funnily enough, my DP is similar - he would do anything for DD and me but can take or leave anyone else.
We make an effort for DD because we understand the importance of social interaction and relationships but really we would be happy with just ourselves!

perdu Sat 22-Aug-09 13:52:46

I am another one I am afraid.

I just feel as though I don't have any energy for family outside DH and DCs. There are times (rare) that I feel I should have some friends but find that I haven't put enough effort in to them for them to really care about me either...

All sounds so sad doesn't it? I too hate answering the phone in case I have to get in to a conversation with someone who is wasting my time....this is when I should put some effort in I suppose and then they might actually quite like me.

the funny thing is that I can appear to be very friendly and make small talk until the cows come home but it is all a front and I will not have enjoyed it one bit....

feel very glad there are others like me - thought I was just a miserable freak!

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sat 22-Aug-09 13:55:12

I don't love anyone other than my husband and children.

Doha Sat 22-Aug-09 14:42:32

Snap-- l am so glad OP posted this

Outside of my DC's and DH the rest of the planet can disappear
I have been let down so often by other family members and friends that l just don't have the energy or inclination to spend time with them--or care about them.

Just recently l have started to wonder if l am depressed with my lack of motivation around other people and obsessing about my DC's future--employment relatioships etc.

My DD1 is 22 and is showing no interest in settling down after an emotionally abusive relationship which ended last year--l was married by that age and find myself having sleepless nights worrying she will be single all her life.

At work (a nurse) l am told l am very chatty and approachable but l am ashamed to admit l don't care about them or their illneses.

I know l am totally unreasonable but l can't help it.
But so glad l am not alone in feeling this way

junglist1 Sat 22-Aug-09 20:10:39

What about the rest of you when your friends cry over serious stuff do you feel anything? My friends man walked out when she was pregnant and she was devastated and I made all the right noises but didn't feel a thing. I didn't even care about my DC's dad, at least you all love your P's. He was abusive but I don't think that's the reason.

sunfleurs Sat 22-Aug-09 20:14:58

I do feel sorry for my friends and family when they are hurting and I will be there for endless supportive phone calls etc but I don't think that much about it afterwards we have finished talking about it, sad but true.

As for relationships, I have found that apart from my kids dad I have managed to move on very easily, too easily even after long term relationships. I left my first marriage without a backward glance and the same with a subsequent 8 year relationship, made up my mind it was over and just went, leaving behind houses and worldly goods all over the place.

junglist1 Sat 22-Aug-09 20:25:42

I listen to everyones problems. They like to open up to me for some reason. They don't know I don't care sad (sad in a not at all sad way)

Hormonesnomore Sat 22-Aug-09 20:32:44

Yep, me too. It's self defence. I've got so much going on in my life at the moment I can't care about anyone on the outside at the moment. I move on quite quickly too, sunfleurs, it's just the way I am.

Hormonesnomore Sat 22-Aug-09 20:33:48

at the moment blush

ABetaDad Sat 22-Aug-09 20:56:42

I do rather feel the same except for DSs and DW. Have a mobile but never have a friend just call for a chat and am not bothered. I do have friends though and who are really people who move in and out of my orbit with common interests. I don't chase down friends who I have not heard from but just take people as I find them.

I have a theory that in our hypercommunicative world we all have far too many people we call 'friends' who are not really friends at all. My best friends are those from University 20 years ago. We do not see each other much but just pick up where we left off when we meet. DW has been my best friend for 25 years. I just do not get things like Facebook because I cannot see how anyone can collect friends like that. Indeed a few people I have kown apparently have loads of frends but are really lonely.

A man I work with says his daughter has loads of male friends she rings up and goes out with but has never found anyone she loves and she is 37. That seems much sadder than just not having many friends.

perdu Sun 23-Aug-09 11:59:11

A Beta Dad - I too have a friend from school days who really is my only friend. However we may not speak for months and don't see each other for years at a time but it seems to work fine. As for my sister and brother I am finding them increasingly hard to get on with as I get older and so less inclined to be bothered with them. Shame really as they love to pretend we are all hapypy families even though they all bitch about each other all the time.

I have an absorbing family and really don't get lonely. In fact, I would quite like more time on my own. This sometimes makes me feel like a hard nosed so and so as sometimes I don't even want dh and dcs to bother me either....think that may be a factor of living in a large family though as opposed to my lack of love for them?

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