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These arsehole adventure men who want to 'find themselves' - sort of to do with that - very long, sorry

(227 Posts)
desperatefishwife Fri 21-Aug-09 20:30:00

Do you remember this thread?

Well i sort of kind of hijacked it towards the end.

Anyway.

like stellamel, the OP of that thread, my dp wanted to do a big jaunt, driving to MOngolia with some mates (all single and childless btw). He originally said it would take three weeks. When he came up with the idea last year, I wasn't keen, but he basically became very unpleasant to live with for a while until I agreed, then it turned out he had got a ticket anyway.

In the meantime I became pg. It was planned. I am 35 weeks now. I didn't forsee it being a problem, we also have a dd aged 2.6, and my pg with her was fairly straightforward.

It became clear to me that the trip would take considerably longer than 3 weeks, more like 4 or 5. DP repeatedly waved away my concerns in an airy manner 'oh it will be fine, honestly, we all want to get back'.

A few weeks before he set off, I developed SPD. I became very upset at the prospect of being left alone with a toddler, virtually housebound. DP assured me I would be fine etc etc etc. I have got worse and worse to the point where my dd has been at my parents' house for the last 2 weeks - it just wasn't fair on her being stuck in the house all day and eating fish fingers and beans for tea every night because I physically cannot cope. This last week I have barely been able to get in and out of the shower (it is an over bath one, and I can't lift my legs up any more).

He has been gone now for 5 weeks. Last week he assured me that he knew he was taking the piss, and that once he made it to Mongolia, he would get a domestic flight to the capital, then fly home as quickly as possible, rather than spend another week getting to the finish line. He sounded like he was making an effort to compromise.

He made it into Mongolia on Wednesday. He is still with his team mates and has still not boarded a plane. He has numerous excuses why - he has no money for a plane ticket, there are no banks, the bank had no electricity for the ATM to work, so he had to go on to a bigger city - etc etc.

Basically I know in my heart that the reason he has not made the effort to return yet is because he doesn't want to. It is funny but this often happens, that what he wants to do, through a strange series of twists of fate, ends up being what he has to do - through no fault of his own of course. If he had ever really been serious serious about coming straight home, imo he should have arrnaged in advance to have ticket money before entering Mongolia, or he could try to borrow money off his team mates/convoy members, or he could call me up and get tickets on our credit card over the phone - but he has chosen not to.

He is very selfish. I have known this. No one is perfect, and he has other qualities that make up for it, usually - I know the hardcore crowd will laugh at me for saying this, but he does.

But i never thought he would do this to me, be this selfish. I think he has possibly deluded himself into thinking that he genuinely is making every effort to come home but - shucks - just not managing it.

I am so so hurt. Really hurt. And I feel such a fool. We got married just before he went - literally just before he went, the day before, so that I would be protected if naything ahppened. It meant something to me. I thought it did to him.

Since he texted me - texted - this afternoon to say 'not on a plane yet, had to carry on to XX city because banks had no electricity in YY town, I know you will be mad with me, but I had no choice, love you, hope you're ok' I have been sitting around crying on and off. I haven't texted him back. I called a locksmith and changed the locks however.

I feel ike I can't rely on him to tell me the truth and not let me down when I need him, or trust him with my feelings. I know I am hormonal and messed up - I am in this twilight world where I'm stuck on my own, missing him, missing dd, not sleeping properly cos of the SPD, just going crazy in my own head a bit. But I am seriously contemplating not letting him back in this house because imo he is not treating me like people who love each other should.

Fucking hell, if you have got this far wihtout falling asleep, have a medal. I just wanted to get that off my chest and ask the wisdom of MN for their opinions. You might suspect my real name - I am a namechanger. If so, don't say it cos I feel like a right fucking numpty.

moondog Fri 21-Aug-09 20:40:37

Re this bit

'Last week he assured me that he knew he was taking the piss, and that once he made it to Mongolia, he would get a domestic flight to the capital, then fly home as quickly as possible, rather than spend another week getting to the finish line'

I thought you acknowledged in that thread that it would be nuts to call him back part or even most of the way through this trip?

You agreed for him to go so it just seems really off to certainly kick up a fuss and tell him he has to come back, despite the fact yuo are obviously suffering.

Oh and btw, being a veteran of out of the way places, believe me, it is bloody difficult to sort out these things in the middle of nowhere.

If you want my advice, you let him go, so let him finish it in peace.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Fri 21-Aug-09 20:45:47

I think you should just forget the calendar. He isn't going to come home until he wants to or he can. Think about what you want to do when he gets home and see how you feel then.

Worldturnedupsidedown Fri 21-Aug-09 20:47:10

God poor you...you must be feeling so let down.Men can be so selfish and singleminded sometimes. There will be someone along to advise I'm sure...come on HolyGuacamole, you've always got good words xxxx

kettlechip Fri 21-Aug-09 20:50:16

I don't think it's off at all, I'd be kicking up a great big stink too. You weren't pg when this was planned, and you certainly didn't have SPD, and I know how bloody painful that is.

Surely as you get towards full term it's entirely reasonable to know when he plans to get home. You don't need this stress at the moment. He should have had his return home planned way before now with money in place to pay for it.

I'm all for people having adventures in life, but the timing of this one really sucks for you and he seems to have got stuck in lads jolly land. You need him back, your DD needs him back, can you just get on the internet and book him a ticket and tell him if he's not on the plane he can sling his hook to Mongolia permanently? Reasonable, moi? grin

desperatefishwife Fri 21-Aug-09 20:50:29

I know, but things have got really bad - I can't cope with looking after dd, my mum and dad can't have her indefinitely. At the time he sounded like he was happy to compromise on not going to the finish line, having had a month doing what he wanted.

Uriel Fri 21-Aug-09 20:55:44

desperate - no advice but [hugs

Uriel Fri 21-Aug-09 20:56:49

ahem - ((hugs)) wasn't meant to be a link.

desperatefishwife Fri 21-Aug-09 21:05:16

Thank you.

I feel like I'm going a bit mental.

I don't know if I can trust him not to do anthing else like this aagain. it's like he pretty much does what he wants and then tries to charm his way out of it after. His brother is the same.

I am having a boy this time and don't want him to end up like that. And I don't want dd to think that that's how it is between men and women.

dittany Fri 21-Aug-09 21:06:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyoftheBathtub Fri 21-Aug-09 21:08:48

God you poor thing. You're right, he is not treating you well at all - by having gone in the first place, let alone all this twatting about.

I'm a bit shocked at your post moondog. She didn't agree to it, she was basically bullied into it by him behaving nastily until she caved in, and then it turned out he had a ticket anyway. I would be furious with my DP if he behaved like that. That is not a fair joint decision, it's underhand and unreasonable.

Plus, he assured her he would be back in 3 weeks and rubbished her concerns about that.

So OP you are entirely within your rights to be insisting he gets back right now - to give you the help you need and to face up to what he has done to your relationship.

How could he even live with himself for going in the first place when you were not only pg but incapacitated? How could he want that for the two of you - for him to be on an extended jolly jaunt while you suffer and carry the can? I'm fuming on your behalf.

LaurieFairyCake Fri 21-Aug-09 21:11:58

I think it's possible you picked the wrong relationship for you.

If it was me I would be expecting a monumental turnaround when he came back, perhaps a move to adulthood?

And if he didn't I would consider leaving. He may be a great, adventurous dad and a really positive influence but it's not what I would want in a partner.

I would want someone to have supported me if I had SPD, it's not like you chose it.

Really sorry for you sad

DippyDino Fri 21-Aug-09 21:12:17

Daren't tell my dh about this thread as he would be fecking furious (not at me lol)

I really do think partners need to be around for their pg other halves - especially so if they have dc already. Otherwise its just not fair.

MmeLindt Fri 21-Aug-09 21:13:36

Is this a one off, once in a lifetime trip for him or part of a series of trips?

Not that it makes a difference. IMO, once you found out that you were pregnant he should have called off the trip. My DH did not even go on European business trips after I entered my 35th week.

What are his other qualities? Are the enough for you to overlook his treatment of you, the disrespect he shows you?

Acanthus Fri 21-Aug-09 21:20:44

In a sense, once he gets back, it won't matter how long he was gone for in total. You'll still be bloody furious and festering with resentment and (IMHO) rightly so. Good luck, take it one day at a time, only do what is absolutely necessary.

When he comes back will he be going to work or helping you out?

FabBakerGirlIsBack Fri 21-Aug-09 21:21:24

No qualities make up for disrespect

kitsmummy Fri 21-Aug-09 21:23:32

Oh poor you, there's no doubt he's behaved like an utter arsehole. Leaving you on your own, expecting other people to look after his DD, he doesn't really give a shit does he, as long as he's having a good time. Sounds like a total selfish twat.

desperatefishwife Fri 21-Aug-09 21:24:14

He says it is a once in a life time thing. But obviously I feel like I can't believe a word he says.

I honestly wouldn't have minded if it had been 3 weeks only. Even with the being pg, and the SPD, I could have found a way to deal.

But it is the fucking about, the hold ups and unavoidable delays etc - and I know these are part of what he is doing - but whenever I raised concerns prior to him going, he was just dismissive 'oh it'll be fine, you worry too much'.

As for his other qualities - well he is a brilliant laugh. We do laugh a lot together normally, and I think this is masisvely important in a relationship. And he is a good dad - I know everyone with a fucking arsehole of a partner says that lol, but he really is - normally. And he is right, I do worry too much, and his trait of not worrying enough kind of balances this out.

desperatefishwife Fri 21-Aug-09 21:27:43

Acanthus this is another thing. he will have to go back to work. He is a self employed contractor so doesn't get paid if he's not in work. He did some overtime to cover this trip, and he swore down he would also be good to take 2 weeks off after the imminent birth of ds, but I know him and his overly optimistic ways, he will have allowed for this trip to last 4 weeks, so will prob have to do more overtime or take less time off as paternity leave.

I am so angry. I have never been this angry I don't think. I don't know how I can come back from this.

CarGirl Fri 21-Aug-09 21:30:37

Tell him your both going to relate?

desperatefishwife Fri 21-Aug-09 21:31:09

We also have a week away booked for October, with my parents, at the seaside. This is to make up for missing out on a seaside holiday with dd over summer. The new baby will be 4-6 weeks old. I am heavily betting he will not be able to take the time off for that now either.

desperatefishwife Fri 21-Aug-09 21:32:50

Oh we definitely need to go to Relate. That is the very least we need to do.

I just keep being left breathless at how angry I am.

Salme101 Fri 21-Aug-09 21:37:06

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a rotten time due to his lack of support. I fear your DH may be what the wonderful Michael Bywater diagnosed as a 'Big Baby' - self-absorbed and immature, basically. angry

BitOfFun Fri 21-Aug-09 21:38:53

I would be furious too, even practically speaking, moondog is right. I don't have much useful to offer I'm, afraid, but I do sympathise, and I think he owes you bigtime and has to grovel. He should know he can't let you down on the time off he has booked though- even if it means he has to come up with some creative ways of doing it.

I'm so sorry he has been such a twat, you poor poor thing.

We really need an emoticon for testicle-squeezing manacles here...

BitOfFun Fri 21-Aug-09 21:39:24

even if, I meant to say.

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