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how do you know if you are still 'in' love with someone?

(6 Posts)
juicychops Fri 21-Aug-09 19:42:53

me and dp are going through a very rough patch which has been going on for a few months now. we have nearly split up a couple of months ago but we have both agreed to give it another go and try to make things work

he is very stressed with work, and life in general and he says that im supposed to be the good happy thing in his life but im not anymore.
out the blue a couple of months ago he told me he couldn't do it anymore and was gunna pack his stuff, but after hours of crying and cuddling he just couldn't go. (we dont live together but he has some of his stuff at mine)

anyway, since then i cant feel the same about him or us anymore as i know how he feels about me and us. he says he still loves me but he's just not happy with the way things are.

these last couple of months has made me see that im not happy with things either. i dont know if its how i really feel, or just cos we nearly broke up its making me feel this way.

ive not seen him for more than 5 mins since the wednesday before last as he's off work with his kids so been busy, and im not sure i really miss him that much.

i love him and care about him a lot but dont know if im in love with him. and i feel that he cares more for me as a friend and someone to talk to as an outlet than an actual girlfriend

i dont know what to do. i dont want to leave him and later realise it was the wrong thing to do

HolyGuacamole Fri 21-Aug-09 19:55:47

Maybe him creating that distance a couple of months ago has made you put up a guard or in your head, made some preparation for a split?

If you're not missing him, then that shows you that either way, you can manage.

Breaking up is hard to do and sometimes it is easier to stay with the devil you know, rather than break away and take a chance on something/someone new?

I don't know what the answer is for you but sometimes a crisis in a relationship can either make you or break you. The crux of the matter is which one of those it is?

Time on your own is not going to do any harm and will either make you miss each other so much it hurts....or make you realise you were never meant to be?

Sorry, haven't been much help but you can't tell someone whether they should be with someone because only they know that and I am sure that deep down inside, you know what is best for you.....and if it is not apparent right now, then time will tell. Just don't let it go on for too long because you only live once huh smile

Malificence Fri 21-Aug-09 19:58:42

When you love someone deeply, you can't imagine any kind of future without them, it's as simple as that really.
If he has children from a previous marriage then they will naturally be his priority too.

juicychops Fri 21-Aug-09 20:20:32

HolyG, i think what you have said is true about me putting up my guard since he mentioned a split. i have been mentally preparing myself as its like im constantly expecting him to say he's had enough as it was so out of the blue last time.

i am not scared of being alone, and the way things have been these last couple of months i cant imagine a future with him at the moment. him saying he had had enough kind of killed all my hopes for us and i cant bring myself to think of them again incase he says it again.

i am enjoying the time on my own i think i have needed it. i wish i knew what is best for me!
i think a big part of me thinks deep down we will split up eventually but the part of me that loves him is clinging on. i dont know what to do for the best.

i would also miss his family very much if we did split up which makes me sad to think about. dp is always the first person i ring or text when i need to talk to someone. i would miss that most of all just someone being there.

HolyGuacamole Fri 21-Aug-09 21:05:09

Oh JJ. What I get from your post is that you are not scared of being on your own and that some part of you has prepared yourself for a negative outcome. That is not to say that is going to happen.....but if you are as prepared as you can be, then that is the most that you can do.

It is not easy. I have an ex whose parents I gt on very well with.....we split about 9 years ago and I bump into them often, they are always saying "come round and see us" etc....but it wouldn't feel right for me. Although I think they are fab, that part of my life ended when we split. Unfortunately it is things like this that hurt. However, I am left with memories that they really like and care for me and that is really nice.

Whatever happens, I wish the best for you and you can be assured that you will get through it. 2 long term relationships down the line I am very happily married and would not change a thing for the world. If it weren't for my split then, I wouldn't be where I am now and am really thankful for that (although at the time I was utterly devastated and couldn't see past that). What I mean is that you honestly never know what is round the corner and you need to do what is best for you no matter what.

Do keep posting because you will find lots of support on here from a lot of fab ladies with lots of experience smile

juicychops Fri 21-Aug-09 21:27:16

Thanks HolyG smile

its has been a horrible time and ive been very down about it and we haven't even split up yet! i do feel deep down that it wont last but i dont want to be the one to end it. that may sound stupid, but i could never bring myself to end it myself when i know i love him still as i dont want it to fall on me of making the mistake of ending the relationship if i do end up regretting it later on. i will wait to see if he does it which i think he will eventually. im weak like that.

at least we have no kids together or arnt married or living together. it would all be over pretty quick if it happens

what makes it so hard is that he was the first man i ever loved. i worked with him when i was 17 and ever since then i loved him, and even when i was with my ex i thought about him a lot and met him occasionally. so we have so much history together even before we were properly together. so it would be an end to all that too which is very hard to get my head around.

also, despite being together 3 and a half years we have no photos of us together so i will have no photos to remind myself of our happy times. feel like crying right now. feel so sad sad

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