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Is he looking for a reason to leave?

(22 Posts)
onionlove Fri 21-Aug-09 13:34:22

Hi everyone,
Can anyone advise me please?
I have had a horrible row with DH last night. He went away with my step-daughter to eurodisney for 4 days and as far as I knew didn't bother to phone or text. This has always been a bug bear between us and he knows how much it upsets me. I guess by the time he came home I was livid and wasn't really interested in excuses I just felt taken for granted as I had taken them to the eurostar on my day off and picked them up late last night. Apparently his phone didn't work over there no coverage and the hotel phone did not let him call my mobile phone. He does not have our new phone number (over a year old actually) in his phone to phone me on that. I believe him but I find it incredible that he couldn't get to a computer to send a quick email or something.
I know its a small thing and I probably shouldn't have gone off without knowing the facts but I was so upset and sent him a couple of texts to say how upset I was. Now he is hacked off because I didn't wait to find out the facts, it just all seemed strange to me. I know if he was in my shoes he would have been angry too.
So last night he said he wished he never came home, I have ruined the whole holiday and he is going to his parents for the rest of the week because he can't stand being near me and is not happy anymore and doesn't feel like I love him or anything.
To me this seems like a huge over reaction about a row and misunderstanding. A lot of blokes I know would have just said, "stop giving me earache and open your present, of course I missed you" but now it seems like he wants to leave the relationship because of this.
We have had a few ups and downs over the last year or so, mainly caused by work pressures and I miscarried our first baby last year. I am now pregnant again (5 months) and over the moon about it but I think he is looking for a way out, we've been married nearly 4 years.
I just don't know what to do, seems like he does something that upsets me but when I get upset he blows it out of all proportion and makes me feel worse, he was being really insulting and horrible last night and I just can't believe that we are here at this stage now.
Can anyone help/advise/shed some light please?

Onion x

LoveMyGirls Fri 21-Aug-09 13:47:36

Let him have a few days to stew. He'll soon come running. You're married, you're pregnant it's too late for him to be saying oh I'm not sure etc, he knows he's been an arse for not phoning, he knows you're right and he should have contacted you. Just say ok come back when you are ready to see it from my point of view.

Then you can you talk about him understanding your side (which is obviously that you wanted to talk to him because he's your dh and you missed him and you were on your own for 4 days whereas he was off having fun with his dd) I think if I was you what would hurt me most is that I'd feel I wasn't important enough to him for him to send a email/ phone etc so yes he would need to give me space until he was prepared to apologise profusely.

He's being childish by running away to his mums imo.

tiredoftherain Fri 21-Aug-09 13:56:02

hi onion, sorry you're going through this. It does sound way out of proportion for him to have reacted this way.

I can understand him being busy with his DD and it being difficult to find time to phone from the holiday, but given your situation and your feelings about it he should absolutely have done so. I don't buy the excuses why he didn't - how the hell can he not know your phone number after a year?? There are ways and means of contacting someone if you need to - he could have phoned a friend or relative and passed a message to you. He will know he's in the wrong, but is making it worse by being so defensive.

Without talking to him, it's difficult to know what's going on in his head - work anxiety, worry over the baby, your relationship etc could all have played a part. Could there possibly be anyone else on the scene? You need to communicate, if he does want out he needs to be upfront so you can work out what's best for you and your baby.

onionlove Fri 21-Aug-09 13:57:56

Hi Lovemygirls

Thanks for the speedy reply, I'm going round in circles thinking is this my fault. I know I probably went off on one at him without finding out the facts first but I was upset and not really at my rational best. I think he may have tried to phone a number that we have where you can't leave a message but if it were me I would have pulled out the stops to get in touch, even if it meant using hotel reception computer to send a quick hello.
You've hit the nail on the head, when he is away he hardly gets in touch anyhow and it always leaves me feeling like he doesn't care. What else am I supposed to think? Anyone would think the same in my situation I'm sure. All it would have taken was an apology and it could have all been resolved I think he is going over the top and being childish if he goes to his Mum's too. I worry really that we are bound to have diagreements and times when we are stressed and horrible to each other when the baby gets here and he will want to leave rather than taking these arguments for what they are, just arguments that everyone has.
Thanks again sweetie for your views, I don't expect everyone to agree with me, just don't understand this.

onionlove Fri 21-Aug-09 14:19:11

Hi tiredoftherain,

Thanks for your reply, I find lately that everything gets on top of him and everything is the end of the world if you know what I mean. That said, I love him and I don't want anything bad to happen, just want him to lighten up a bit. He said he phoned his Mum to phone and she didn't leave a message either, I know he doesn't mean it he is just one of these guys that doesn't plan too well. If I can understand that why can't he understand my feelings. He is going on about me ruining his holiday with his daughter, what about my feelings? It is difficult to know what's going on and I too feel that there is something unsaid. The other week we had a row that blew out of all proportion and he said he was stressed about work. He is probably worried about his daughter as her Mum has just got married again and she is adjusting to everything. I can sit here and guess all day, if he doesn't want to talk to me what can I do, if he wants to end it I just wish he would be honest instead of making it seem like I'm ruining everything all the time, I'm fed up with being the bad guy for just sticking up for myself.

OrmIrian Fri 21-Aug-09 14:30:22

"I know I probably went off on one at him without finding out the facts first but I was upset and not really at my rational best."

It sounds as if you are both expecting a great deal of each other atm. He did something that upset you (the rights and wrong are irrelevant) and you overreacted without listening to him. Which then made it hard for him to be suitably apologetic and try to make it up to you. So he then overreacted. Personally I find it hard to be lovey-dovey with someone who is yelling at me no matter what the reason for the yelling.

Could you just text him to say sorry for yelling and you'd like to talk to him calmly. I am sure that if you get together in a calmer state he will listen to your POV and be more conciliatory.

onionlove Fri 21-Aug-09 14:40:12

Hi OrmIrian,

Thanks for replying, I think you are right as is usually the case both of us have to accept responsibility for the situation we are in now.
I apologised last night for overreacting and not waiting to hear what had happened but he seems to think I'm a complete and utter wotsit who just exists to make his life a misery. He said he does understand why I'm upset but he said he feels let down that I don't trust him that he tried his best. Its not that I just feel a bit neglected when he does things like this. I don't want sympathy but personally I find being a step mother a bit of a tough gig for all sorts of reasons and I think it is natural for most step parents to feel a bit second best at times, situations like this seem to amplify those feelings unfortunately.
Thanks again
Onion x

twoclimbingboys Fri 21-Aug-09 14:55:02

I agree with tiredoftherain. His reaction has been disproportionate. You had every right to be unhappy (and to text to tell him) when he didn't even email you in 4 days.

mankymummymoo Fri 21-Aug-09 16:20:24

Sorry but how could you have ruined his holiday if his phone didnt work over there, and therefore presumably he didnt get the texts until he got back?

He sounds like he is being very childish.

oldraver Fri 21-Aug-09 20:49:56

I was juat going to say the same as Manky. Also you ssem to be blaminmg yourself for 'going off on one before I knew the facts'.. They're NOT facts they're excuses by him to defend his bad behaviour. Thats his fault not yours, stop blaming yourself, he's doing a good enough job of that as it is

onionlove Fri 21-Aug-09 21:34:45

hi everyone who replied

I still think he is using this and has been looking for a reason to leave sooner or later what do you think

tiredoftherain Sun 23-Aug-09 20:32:52

hi onion, it's so difficult to say what he's thinking.

It's definitely odd behaviour particularly as you're pregnant and have every right to the odd hormonal moment!!

Just keep talking to him.

mathanxiety Sun 23-Aug-09 21:03:01

You're pregnant after a miscarriage and he doesn't get in touch while he's away and then gets really insulting and horrible and now he's run off to mummy's because mean old wifey told him off. He should have got in touch because you're pregnant after a mc and he needed to make sure you're ok, and because he misses you, and because that's what men who love their wives unless they're in darkest Peru. I think they have public phones in Eurodisney.

He doesn't have your year-old phone number in his phone? His parents have actually taken him in and haven't smacked him upside the head and told him to grow up and be a big boy? How did his previous relationship end? He wants out. It's only a matter of time

toomanystuffedbears Sun 23-Aug-09 23:12:19

He does sound rather like a 10 year old throwing a tissy if anyone challenges him.

Do you have a stated (not presumed but actually discussed) policy of contact when one or the other of you is on travel?

As he is an adult (now presuming hmm) is he under an obligation to call home (without looking at courtesy to others just now)? It may feel to him a little like "Have to go call mama now" which might be irritating to some guys and therefor they just won't do it. I think it is a kind of guy power sort of thing, noting the narrowmindedness, of course.

The "if you're upset, then I'm even more upset" strategy of relationship maintenance is mind boggling. It is so immature. It is being completely dismissive of your feelings, as if you are not even on the radar screen: everything is about him. Thus the sincere lack of courtesy to you.

Have you ever heard him say "sorry"? I'm guessing not.

He needs (more than a few) pointers in social skills. You could study up and gently educate him, or try for some relationship counselling. If he won't go, I believe it would be worth it for you to get some, because this will wear you out, emotionally and eventually physically (illness borne of emotional stress) as well.

toomanystuffedbears Sun 23-Aug-09 23:19:41

And if he does leave...well, "seen in a prudential light", it might not be such a bad thing for you.

Sorry I had to sneak a little Jane Austen quote in there.

lilacclaire Sun 23-Aug-09 23:31:07

What was so bad in the texts that you sent him?
You actually sound like a right pain in the arse to me.
He was away with his daughter for a few days and you've created a massive stink because he didn't call you. He's told you why and your still not happy.
I wouldn't be suprised if he didn't come back.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 23-Aug-09 23:37:42

If his mother has taken him in rather than sending him back to sort things out then she is a fool.

It's impossible to say what he's thinking, but I know that my DH would have found a way to contact me regardless of lack of numbers etc. It doesn't sound as if there is a great deal of respect in your relationship, for you from him, or for him from you.

lilacclaire Sun 23-Aug-09 23:39:55

That sounds really harsh and im sorry.
You do sound a bit needy though, you need to talk to each other about your expectations.

NanaNina Mon 24-Aug-09 00:13:42

Onionlove - I see that you mentioned about the tensions involved in being a step parent that no one has responded to and I wonder how much of his is about the fact that he was away with his daughter. I am a step parent too though my step daughter is grown with children of her own. I never felt close to my step daughter and it's still the same today, though I did try. I used not to like myself for feeling so negatively about her but I just couldn't help it and yes I did feel jealous of my Ps r/ship with his daughter and I felt eclipsed from that r/ship. This caused all sorts of tensions and arguments in my r/ship with my P and many years of distress for me.

Would you have felt so angry about his not contacting you if he had not been away with his daughter? Did this make you feel that you were "second best" as you say and that the daughter was No. 1 for your H. These are entirely natural feelings to have and it's difficult for anyone to understand unless they have been in that position.

I wonder is he thinking that maybe there will be continued tension about his daughter and he can't face it. I may be totally on the wrong track and if I am just ignore me but you did mention feeling "second best"

I do hope that you are able to resolve this matter. It does seem an over reaction for him to go off to his mother's, but is this more about his daughter and his r/ship with her and your feelings about that.

Liliclare - glad to see you apologised but I think you should take more care before posting such judgemental and unkind comments to someone who is pregnant and in an upset state.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 24-Aug-09 00:22:20

I appreciate that you're upset but I wonder if you have a history of being demanding and clingy. Because it's sad but true that the more needy a person appears to a fairly undemonstrative partner (the impression coming across is that he's always been a bit uncommunicative/reserved) the more that partner starts to resent it. ANd you do say that it's possible he tried to contact you and couldn't leave a message, which will make him feel even more resentful if he's tried to explain that and just been screamed at.
I think you maybe need to work out a bit of a compromise with him about your need for constant reassurance ie tell him how you feel but listen to how he feels as well.

Mumcentreplus Mon 24-Aug-09 00:45:58

I can see where both of you are in this...he was unreasonable not to contact you for such a long period...but you equally did not give him the benefit of the doubt when he told you the's hard when you have a 'step' situation but he feels very strongly about his daughter (as you would in the same situation) and you have to respect this and love him this it... equally he has to respect you are pregnant and need his support and both need to compromise and be honest about your feelings with each other..not in an accusatory way but honestly and with understanding..goodluck

onionlove Mon 24-Aug-09 15:55:27

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all of your posts, it is good to get a variety of viewpoints on the situation. I have thought more about it over the weekend and also have some theories. We do tend to get in touch with each a lot when we are away from each other, I don’t think its particularly needy just how we are. I think its disrespectful not to, I know if I did it he would be hopping mad in fact, after I dropped them off in London he called 3 times to make sure I had got home OK!

Mumcentreplus – you are right, it is as usual a 50/50 situation, we had a short talk last night to try to work things out, its difficult because his reaction made me feel more insecure really which hasn’t helped. Maybe things are better left alone for the time being.

Nananina – thanks for your post, it is difficult being a step parent and I probably felt a bit left out (as you can do sometimes) but I would have felt the same if he had been on a business trip I think, its just I could not have believed in my wildest dreams that you can’t communicate from someone in Paris. Actually thinking about it the careless thing that annoys me, he is also careless in some commitments to his daughter which wind her mother up and thus cause us problems and I guess this is part of the bigger picture of that. And thanks for your kind words of support, it isn’t easy when you’re upset that’s for sure.

Solidgoldbrass – maybe you’re right, I don’t believe that I am demanding and clingy, I do feel that he has been distant for a while though and I am worried about it. I am just going to try to get on with things now and look after myself and baby and see what happens.

Mathanxiety – I think your point about not having our phone number in his phone is one that really hits the nail on the head for me, if it was my friend’s husband I would think that was pretty lame. I do worry about his last relationship; I have only heard one side of that story obviously.

Toomanystuffedbears (love the name!) – he does not like to be challenged and takes anything slightly negative as a personal attack and accusing him of being a bad husband. He has been on many business trips in the past and the usual situation is he lets me know he is there OK and then sometimes calls again depending on how busy he is and what he’s doing. When I am away I always call but the other day I was late back from my Mums and he was very moody about it. I found the ‘if you’re upset, I’m more upset’ comment you make pretty insightful as on the rare occasions we fall out he always ends up feeling more hard done by than I do, most often I get pretty fed up and make things up but he could go weeks without speaking to me.

Lilacclaire – I realise that posting on these forums may not always give a supportive response so I smiled when I read yours. In the text that upset him I wrote that I was upset he didn’t try to get in touch and found it weird didn’t have payphones/internet café in Paris, I said I was hacked off I had taken holiday from work to take him to the train and pick him up (which was said in anger) I’m not denying I can be a pain in the a**e but I just think you should keep your promises, if you say you’ll call you should call in my opinion, otherwise don’t say it! When I found out why I felt better about it but when you don’t know what’s going on you don’t act rationally of course.

I have since found out that he was under the impression his mother had left a message after the first day so wasn’t so worried which is fair enough.

Alibaba, I think what you say about your DH finding a way to contact you is true, and my DH used to do the same, what worries me is that it has changed now and he can’t be bothered.

I think we both suffer from insecurity; we have been through a lot before we met which doesn’t help. I must admit though, things have changed over the recent few months, there has been a lot of stress at work, his daughter has a new step-father etc. which he never discussed with me but might affect him more than he knows/cares to admit. He used to be a very caring and I suppose I do miss that and probably make more of a fuss over these little things than I normally would. I would love to get things back on track but not sure whether he has given up and is just staying because of baby….

Thanks everyone for your views

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