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persistent ow update - am i a doormat??

(9 Posts)
ElizabethCM Fri 21-Aug-09 12:15:44

previous long other posts! ow backed off, i forgave dh. he was lonely. he wanted to go out to drinks night at work, said ow not going to be there, had another event. i said, "go, but please dont be home late". dh just called to let me know ow was there but "it was alright, don't panic". i immediately started crying. i knew once she got wind he would be at drinks she would cancel her other event.

he caught lift w friend. no public transport where he is. he wouldnt come back because i was crying anyway i gueess...

am i stupid?? a doormat?? i am going mad.

countingto10 Fri 21-Aug-09 12:29:04

Try this site - it has helped me more than the therapist at Relate. Helped me realise what I was feeling was normal, that I wasn't going mad and the real reason men/women have affairs.

I am now realising what a manipulative cow ow was, she wanted my life, my DH and my kids WTF. She was planning holiday to the States with my DH, her DC and my Dc even though I knew nothing of her, DH has no money and there would be no way I would consent to my DC going abroad with her, even had plans to marry DH in 2 years (don't you need to be divorced for that ??).

Any way have a look at the site, it may answer some of your questions. Your DH should be doing everything in his power to make you feel better and secure.

Good luck.

MorrisZapp Fri 21-Aug-09 12:40:02

It's not about being a doormat, it's about trust and honesty. Do you trust your DH now when he says he is no longer cheating? If you do, then you will have to accept that he will run into her (do they work together? I can't remember) but that there is no longer anything going on between them.

Your DH obviously didn't want you finding out she was there later, so he told you upfront. This is honest of him and keeps things transparent.

He did what he did. There's no easy way to move on, you just have to rebuild the trust slowly. Hopefully the time will come when he goes out and you'll just think 'great, I can have the telly to myself' instead of panicking about him cheating.

SoupDragon Fri 21-Aug-09 12:42:41

As Morris says, he phoned to tell you she was there. That is a good thing.

MotheringHeights Fri 21-Aug-09 12:48:34

I know it's horribly hard, but the fact that DH called you from the venue to let you know she was there is a really good reason to trust him. The hard thing tonight will be behaving as you normally would, and letting him behave normally. Try not to panic tonight, try not to call him or leap on him when he gets home. Breathe and do something to help take your mind off it. She's not going to disappear but you can get to a place where she has no impact on you anymore.

twoclimbingboys Fri 21-Aug-09 14:51:04

Sorry Elizabeth I'm a little confused (it doesn't take much to get me that way tbh). Was this all yesterday evening after work and he hasn't been home since? Or just a Friday lunch time thing.

Either way I don't blame you for being upset. He should have headed home as soon as you were upset (given the circumstances / his past issue), even if it had to be by taxi.

DivaSkyChick Fri 21-Aug-09 15:00:18

Sure. He called to let you know she was there, wasn't that considerate.

Then he completely ruined the effort by not coming home immediately. So you get all the worry but none of the comfort. Thanks, asshole.

EldonAve Fri 21-Aug-09 15:21:43

Having read your other threads, I'm still confusedhmm

In Feb he had chronic fatigue and no plan to find work

In mid June he was studying but didn't want any more kids so you were thinking of leaving him, no mention of him doing paid work, you were the breadwinner

End July he had a one night stand 6 weeks ago - was it his first day at work?hmm

diddl Fri 21-Aug-09 15:51:50

It´s really up to you if you want to stay with someone who has cheated.
But this last thing.
He should have come straight home & told you that he hadn´t stayed because X was there.
I agree with DivaSkyChick.
Why call to say shes there,and then stay.
What does that prove?

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