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Any thoughts on that shiteola relationship I was having but has now changed somewhat?

(4 Posts)
hobbgoblin Thu 20-Aug-09 20:30:09

So, I've had DD - the baby that wasn't wanted by dp. The baby that, amongst other things (him being amidst a 2 year protracted and financially awful divorce being one of them) caused us to separate over and over from last Xmas.

Since I've had her we seem - in a pretty unspoken way - to be making a proper go of things and, dare I say it, it seems to be working.

Now, DD is only 4 weeks old so it is early days, but it was pretty okay in the lead up to her birth save for the fact he didn't actually make the birth due to several cock ups along the way and his obsession with his business. Previously we'd be lucky to make 4 days without a relationship breaking row.

Not only have we avoided arguments, things have changed - his attitude, general helpfulness and willingness to listen, to talk and to take on board criticism. I now have a DP who apologises for being distant if he is and who offers an explanation and talks with agreement about solutions to minor relationship hiccups.

I feel us becoming close again but I'm afraid to let that happen so it feels like we are having this weird amicable kind of relationship. I can't ever see us venturing an 'I love you' again whereas before, meaningless 'I love you's were in abundance. Our sex life is near non existent compared to before when it was a major feature. We don't live together and possibly never will as we are on different paths now in that respect and he wouldn't be free to live with me again for a good few years even if we both wanted it.

This feels like such a no man's land I don't know what to make of it. I mean, the signs are good, but what if the future is just this? No intense feelings, no future together living as a whole family, a comparative lack of sex. I don't know if I want to replace a rocky relationship with a friendship and it feels like I may be doing that. Or perhaps this is more normal than the fireworky rubbish relationships I'm used to..? Is that possible with the same man?

I think I am wondering if I am an unfortunate barrier between him and his DD and that he is prepared to have this weird thing with me in order to maintain as much contact as possible with her (not that I'd withhold it). But, we are spending lots of time together with all our children (6 of them between us) and he is being absolutely lovely with mine - very inclusive and speaking very fondly of and to them... We have kisses on texts again and using 'sweetheart' when addressing one another and all that stuff that had gone. We are holidaying together and having lovely weekends away just holding hands and pottering about. That had all gone.

Is freaky.

NotPlayingAnyMore Thu 20-Aug-09 20:53:42

I know about your little "miracle" (congratulations by the way) but not a lot about DP, but don't feel you have to repeat yourself again.

To put it simply it sounds like:

before = lovey dovey stuff, plenty of sex etc, but lots of rows and quite possibly a big lack of respect or not cottoning on.

after = no lovey dovey, no sex but no rows either, more respect etc.

Is taking it slow worth the sacrifice of the full package, short term?

You are allowed to give yourself time (especially on the sex front! It's only been 4 weeks woman! grin ).

As foolish as he's been before, could it be that, actually, he needs time as well, and as he seems to be on his best behaviour, that it wouldn't actually do any harm to let him have that time?

I expect after rows every 4 days, no wonder you're almost more tense not knowing what's going on!

Do you need to know where you stand - and indeed let him know where he stands with you - rather than it being an unspoken thing?

Like I say, for all I know he could be beyond redemption but that's what I think from just your OP.

hobbgoblin Fri 21-Aug-09 00:10:36

can only type short posts at mo as 1 handed but will reply - and thanks!

GypsyMoth Fri 21-Aug-09 00:18:55

dont know the history ... could be that? time will tell.

also,why worry about not living together? my dp lives and works 50 miles away,we've been together over 5 years now,with a ds 18 months.....can work you know. no dirty washing....that stays at his house....

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