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Is it time to give up??

(13 Posts)
opinionateddad Thu 20-Aug-09 11:12:47

Long story and I am a blokey who is desparate for some unbiased advice

Background
Been very happy and married for 9 years or so and together for about 12.. infact life could not have been more perfect, we have everything including an amazing 5 year old daughter who just completes the package.

About me
I have been a dedicated, loyal, loving, caring husband and father who has done and given everything to my relationship and family - they mean everything to me - Infact in the last 5 years of my daughters live i have pretty much put all my dreams on hold to support my family so they can want for nothing - I have a very stressful job that pays well and I work from home with some frequent travel - I have been happy and have wanted for nothing more than I have, I never flirt or look at other woman am polite and respectful of our relationship

About my wife
She was a very spoilt child but a funny, witty person with some confidence issues - she is never happy with the way she looks but I have never pressured her into changing, always commented how good she looks, how much I love her and supported her if she tried to lose weight - when I met her she was a sive 14, she got bigger and smaller and I always supported her and accepted her - about a year ago she managed to get to a size 8/10

My daughter
She was a 'pleasant surprise' as my wife was the most anti un child wanting person in the world when I met her.. the pregnacy was scarey and she was a nightmare, swinging between keeping and terminating on a weekly basis - I was terrified but supported her for the whole time - in the last month or so she accepted it and we have the most amazing daughter who we both spend much time an energy on everyday.

Our marriage
As far as I was aware all has been great.. never really argued about much, never had money issues, lived a good life doing pretty much whatever we want to - had the usual issues that other people have but nothing life threatening - we discussed having another child but for every 'I want' there were 100 'hell no' from my wife and I am not really going to push the matter based on her history

What went wrong??
Whilst on a business trip last November my wife had a one night stand with someone she met on facebook from her schooldays - she confessed straight away when I got home and I forgave her as this is so out of character and she said that it was stupid and she did not want to lose me. From that point life turned to hell, she started going out most nights with people from her school days (most were now 30+ drop outs with zero responsibility or commitment) she would spend the rest of the time on ebay and facebook just browsing the net - I became the invisible man and my daughter was almost forgotten by her. If I confronted her she would just say that she looked in the mirror and saw herself as a 17 year old with no one to be tied to. After many discussions I got her to relate which ended up with the couciller recommending she saw someone about depression (her immediate family have a long and current history) she stopped the therapy and refused the councilling, saying she wanted to keep going and hopefully the switch would flick back on. She blames me for not wanting a second child as the catalyst for the problem, I agree that I was never interested due to her history but as stated above she never really made it obvious that she wanted one either, when I say that if she had told me she really wanted one I would have adapted this falls on deaf ears - even now she says it is too late as the age gap is too wide - I feel this is a little unfair altho I have accepted my part in this 'confusion' and misconmmunication

At the moment..
About a month or so ago after many efforts I asked if she woudl like a backrub and her response was to end the marriage... I then tried one more time with no change and then the house valued - this must have pressed a button as she changed and stopped her partying ways and said she would 'try to try' whatever that means. Things improved but there was zero intimacy and virtually zero affection from her side still. I set a deadline of end of August to see some change as I am slowly going crazy, it is like some aliens came down and swapped her last November - my world is crashing down around me and there is nothing I can do - she says I am the perfect husband, friend and father and she does not know why she is how she is..... she is just hoping things will go back to normal but she is not actually being proactive in doing anything to make this happen (just ignore the elephant in the room)

I am going to lose my wife, my love, my daughter and everything I have dedicated and worked for over the last 12 years and I do not really know why or what to do?!?

My choices are at the moment
- stay with it and live a life dedicated to someone who acts like they do not care even tho they say they do
- leave and try my best to support my daughter as she grows up (we are very very close and spend a lot of time together)

I miss her so very much, I miss our affection, passion and intimicy but try tho I may there seems to be nothing I can do to fix things

Is it time to give up??... help??

PS - she is more interested in who gets the cats that actually proactively doing something to fix the situation.. so maybe this really means it is time to throw in the towel

tiredoftherain Thu 20-Aug-09 11:22:43

Oh goodness, it does sound as though she feels trapped and depressed and is acting like a teen to escape the reality of life. Almost like a midlife crisis..

Have you told her how much you miss her? Could you organise some nights out or a weekend away for the two of you, or with mutual friends? Alternatively, could you maybe consider a trial separation to give her some time to think it all over? Maybe it will hit home that she could stand to lose so much once she has time to be alone.

I wonder if she almost resents you for coping so well with the changes DD has brought to your lives. Maybe the weight issues are an attempt by her to restore some control in her life.

Either way, you can't carry on as you are, and if she won't accept help there is very little you can do except give her lots of space and support where possible. It must be incredibly frustrating, I have a fairly similar situation but the opposite way round.

NanaNina Thu 20-Aug-09 12:02:02

Hmmm.........I think YOU need to take some control in this situation. At the moment you appear to be being "blown in the wind" by your wife and waiting around to see what happens next. This is not good for you NOR for your wife, although neither of you can realise this at the moment. You must remember that A cannot change B's behaviour unless A changes his behaviour. SO you need to think how you are going to change your behaviour - doesn't have to be dramatic - try a small change and stand back and watch her reaction. This will change the dynamic between you - not saying it will make things better but it will change............

I think the thing is that r/ships are a bit like a play - we could all write the scripts for our r/ships, arguments/conflict especialy. We don't realise this because we don't stand outside our relationships and take a look as it were.

Good luck and hope things sort out for you both and your daughter. Oh and agree that it sounds like your wife is having some sort of mid life crisis.

QuintessentialShadows Thu 20-Aug-09 12:08:26

You might lose your wife, but cynical as I may be, she is the one who has been unfaithful, she is the one who is out partying, so it seems logical that she move out of the family home and you keep a stable life for yourself and your daughter.

Please see a solicitor, and find out what you can do in terms of securing the house for yourself and your daugther. Can you downsize and help provide your wife with a flat? (Your dd will need to have decent accommodation when visiting her mum)

QuintessentialShadows Thu 20-Aug-09 12:09:21

I meant to add, armed with the solicitors advice, when you lay the cards on the table, your wife might change her tune a little.

Make sure you are in control.

opinionateddad Thu 20-Aug-09 14:01:21

I have been trying all these great ideas for that last what seems like forever now...

Organising nights out just gets hit with excuses, trying different things is met with indifference, trying to offer simple things such as a massage is met with a look of horror.... we even had time apart (her staying away from the house).. and the weird thing is she was like herself on the phone and when talking to me yada yada...

As for taking control, I believe I have taken control but it does take two to tango as they say and I cannot do all the work. I am the one coming up with the ideas and direction and they are all either dismissed or ignored

I think I just have to face up to the fact that she just woke up one day and decided she doesn't love me anymore and she does not want to be married - could it really is as simple as that.. does this really happen??.. in my tiny man brain it does not.. you could gradually fall out of love with someone if they did bad stuff unto the point of no return.. but she just keeps telling me what a perfect husband and father I am and how she does not want to lose me.... maybe she just wants a bit of rough.. who the hell know's.. thing is for me my marriage is one of the biggest commitments of my life and means the world... I did not say those words in jest and I would do anything to fix this, maybe it cannot be done??..

.. I am babbling now but I think I am slowely heading to the funny farm...

Very rarely I see a glimmer of my wife, the woman I have loved and treasured for quite a few years.. and then she is swallowed by this indifferent zombi who seems to have become emotionally retarded and just wants the safety and trappings of a marriage without doing any work.... life is hard and sometimes life is boring but life is what you make it.. people tell me that I have spoilt her and now it has come back to bite me in the ass... maybe I have.. as I state above I just do not know anymore

Sorry if that sounds harsh but I move from maudling to anger to hapiness to general insanity pretty quickly at the moment...

He writes with head down, crying into his green tea!!

.. I am so worried for my daughter.. my wife seems to think the council will give them a house and pay the rent etc etc but I keep saying this wont happen as if she walks away she will have a large wedge of cash in her back pocket...

I am convinced (so was the relate therapist and others) that she is depressed but maybe I am just looking for an answer and truth is written a few paragraphs above?!

tiredoftherain Thu 20-Aug-09 14:44:19

It could be any or all of what you have written, but I agree with NanaNina that the dynamic in your relationship needs to change. Stop pandering to this now, take some decisive action and ask her to leave permanently if her heart is no longer in it. I know it's sad, for you and your DD, but it's better than carrying on like this.

It may well bring her to her senses, or force her to seek help but it sounds like you've reached a point where there really is nothing else to try. And as for spoiling her, she's a grown adult and she chooses how to behave.

opinionateddad Thu 20-Aug-09 14:55:04

I think this is where I am now.. the very nice lady at relate told me that I had done everything I could back then.. maybe it was a polite way of her telling me I was screwed....

Just found another thread on NPD.. by god that is scarey and so true... bugger that it can't be treated as the person wont see a therapist grin

tiredoftherain Thu 20-Aug-09 19:32:48

If even Relate think you're screwed, there doesn't sound like much more you can do unless she really comes to her senses quickly. Do you feel like you're almost seeking permission to go?

Strange you mention NPD - It has just struck me that you sound very like a male friend of mine, whose wife we are convinced has NPD also.. (don't worry, I know you aren't him although I wish he'd discover MN!!)

All of us have seen her slowly sap his energy and confidence, and really wish he could leave her. I don't think he ever will though, she just has some hold over him and has managed to convince him he isn't worthy of her, despite it being quite the opposite. I can never understand how these women manage to attract such nice men. My Grandma was also NPD, and my lovely Grandad was loyal to her in spite of some truly awful behaviour.

opinionateddad Fri 21-Aug-09 08:37:38

I guess life just throws curve balls at you and you need to deal with these as they come...

Just an open question - is it right to take a child away from it's mother?!?!.. i guess I have just opened a can of worms and there is no right answer to this!?!?...

I will take some of the advice above and try to make a final stand (again).. I know I am not a 'mum' but thanks for the advice anyways.. sometimes it is hard to see the wood from the trees and the comments above have just re-enforced the direction I feel this is going (my mates are not much good as they are very 'laddish' and think I should have kicked her to the kerb last November)...

Fingers crossed for an interesting future one way or another

gettingagrip Fri 21-Aug-09 09:01:11

Hello op-dad

I saw your comment on the other thread re NPD and your wife.

you say you have been together a while. When you think back...has she shown any of the traits you are seeing now over the time you have known her or is it a sudden recent thing?

People with PDs can only usually keep up a pretence that they are normal for around 6 months of a new relationship and then their true nature starts to emerge.

If you look back and think that she showed signs for years, and you still think that she may be NPD, then you MUST run for the hills with your daughter as fast as you can.

Making final 'stands'...trying to appeal to better natures...discussion...etc etc etc all the usual things you can try with a normal partner....you may as well talk to the wind if your wife is NPD.

Although the language is a bit scary, this forum is fantastic for help and advice from others in relationships with narcs.

There is alot there about bringing up children with these people.

And re your post on the other thread....yes women most certainly CAN be NPD....my mother, my sister, my MIL, most of my female relatives......

HTH xxx

tiredoftherain Sun 23-Aug-09 15:48:59

opinionateddad, how are things?

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sun 23-Aug-09 15:52:12

I think your wife has no reason to change so it is up to you to accept the situation and hang in there or put the wheels in motion for a separation.

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