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I feel as though i'm losing the plot with this groundhog day scenario

(67 Posts)
mamakim Thu 20-Aug-09 01:30:58

Well, where to start.. Been married 4 years, 2dc (2yrs & 3months) first 3 years all as rosey as can be. We're the perfect couple/family ect. Then from the beginning of this year it all changed..

He was promoted, i was pregnant, he's always stressed, always at work etc. We start rowing and when we do it's as though he has completely changed, doesn't care how upset i am, work's too stressful to deal with "this". He leaves me during an arguement for 2 nights (something he'd never do) leaving me sobbing on the doorstep 8 months pregnant. Where he used to tell me he needed and adored me, he suddenly was shouting at me. I felt paranoid, insecure and depressed.

Things like his little love notes, thoughtful valentine's etc all disappear.
Anyway, i suffered antenatal depression and hated this pregnancy, but then my beautiful dd was born. Since then we seem to be perfectly happy all week then have a hysterical weekly meltdown row. I don't get him at all anymore.

For example, the last few;

I ask to borrow his mobile, can't find mine, house phone is flat. He takes it out of his pocket (it is always on his person, on silent) messes with it for a minute then hands it to me. He seems incredibly nervous about me having it. Anyway i make my call and then look at some pics he had taken in hospital of dd.

He's says "i'm going to bed can i have my phone?" i said "i'll bring it up in a min" he says "i want my phone" this decends into a row with me asking him why so twitchy and him saying if you don't give it me now i'm LEAVING you in the morning! eh? that's not normal behaviour in my books.
I then say no i'm not giving it you because that's bizarre, there must be something you don't want me to see! Anyway i look through his blackberry and they're nothing suss. Next morning he's full of apologises. He always is.

A few days later, on a sunday i've had a mega stressful day with regards to dd's breastfeeding, plus i'd been up all night. I'm feeling upset and emotional. We go to bed and i'm expecting a cuddle and some kind words and he lays into me saying i've been snappy all afternoon and he's sick of it, i don't want this anymore! I'm like what?! I'm crying, 2 minutes later he's asleep, i'm up all night with baby. Next morning he texts "i'm so sorry"..

Similar bizarre rows once or twice a week continue until i say i can't carry on like this, i'm stressed enough with 2 very small children to take care of without this insanity. I suggest relationship councelling. He says we don't need it because it's all his fault, he feels jealous and he knows he's acting like a third child when i need support.

He would never have been so hurtful, never said he didn't want to be with me before children, he'd have known i'd have just left him. Now it's as though he thinks she's at home, 2 kids, she's not leaving i can speak to her however i want.

So, tonight, i'm coming up with suggestions to ease some of the problems we're (well i'm - he's barely here) having with ds. He poo poos them all saying they won't work. I (being severely sleep deprived) suggest he came up with some ideas then as it was always me doing it. He says, i'm sick of this, you jumping down my throat, i'm leaving you.

I said fine just do it then, he says "you sort it out (meaning the divorce i assume!), i'll just do my own thing" what?? so he can't even be bothered leaving me?

He then goes on about the previous rows he'd said were his fault and says they were my fault "you should have given me my phone then" etc.

I'm left sat here now wondering what the hell has just gone on?? I'm not going mad am i? this isn't normal behavior? Tomorrow he'll probably be all apologises again but i can't live like this. Anyone know what this is really about?

Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

glasgowtomelbourne Thu 20-Aug-09 01:41:38

How old are your children?
Could he be depressed? Father's can suffer from Post Natal Depression.
It sounds as if he doesn't know what he wants anymore. Can anyone look after the children and you two can get some quality time together without having to sort out crying/hungry/tired children?
Go out somewhere to have a good chat, get things out in the open, know where you both stand.

glasgowtomelbourne Thu 20-Aug-09 01:46:15

Sorry - re-read and found the bit with the children's ages.

mamakim Thu 20-Aug-09 01:46:22

Sorry my op was so garbled. I am shattered but can't sleep and dd will be up for a feed any min so was trying to get it down.

Dd is onlt 3 months, ds 2. So i know that's alot of pressure on a marriage but tbh it simply feels like it's all pressure on me. It's as though he has these little 'episodes' and he's fine the next day but the pressure of looking after the children on my own all the time plus him doing this is getting way too much.

Not sure how easy to get time just the two of us - dd is feeding every 2 hrs at the moment.

jabberwocky Thu 20-Aug-09 01:49:30

I really hate to say this but even before I got to the bit about his phone I thought he"s probably having an affair

mamakim Thu 20-Aug-09 01:50:50

i know. me too.

jabberwocky Thu 20-Aug-09 01:54:43

I'm so sorry

It doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship if it's true. Sometimes that can be a time of getting down to some hard truths and coming out of it stronger.

I can't imagine dealing with that and a 3 month old though. You have my deepest sympathy for whatever it is.

LastTrainToNowhere Thu 20-Aug-09 01:56:39

that was my first thought too. It's the random threats of leaving that have my radar on full alert. Really sorry mamakin, I really hope I'm wrong. Maybe he's just stressed and doesn't know how to handle it?

LastTrainToNowhere Thu 20-Aug-09 01:59:26

mamakin, do let us know how things go with you. I'm going to find it hard to get to sleep thinking of you. A 3 month old is such hard work even without throwing a toddler and a difficult husband into the mix.
I'm really sorry for you sad

mamakim Thu 20-Aug-09 02:01:18

Why all the apologises the next morning? and why when i got to the point of leaving him do he beg me not to? And why when i've said over and over if you want someone else just tell me or leave? Is this just what men do?

mamakim Thu 20-Aug-09 02:02:26

The funny thing is it's been 4 hours since dd woke, that's the longest in weeks and i'm sat here wide awake!

jabberwocky Thu 20-Aug-09 02:40:53

Well, if he is having an affair, maybe he knows deep down that it is wrong and he doesn't want to lose his family so he tries to make things right. Then he loses his resolve later and is hurtful to you b/c he knows he is the one who is the problem and can't face it.

diddl Thu 20-Aug-09 07:27:26

Perhaps he´s just flirting by text?
Not right, I know.
How is a landline ever flat?
Sorry, but I hate mobiles & don´t have one.
But I´d probably be annoyed if you couldn´t find yours & wanted to use mine istead of finding yours.
Couldn´t you have asked him to ring your number?
why are you going through things on his phone?
If he has nothing to hide, it must feel as if you are snooping, and he perhaps thinks you really did know where your phone was and wanted an excuse to get hold of his.

StillNorks Thu 20-Aug-09 07:46:33

Hate to say it but some men get like this when DC come along. My exH hated being lower in my priorities than 2 young children and often picked niggly rows for no reason, started staying out til god knows what time and generally being a pain in the arse.
He was always very apologetic and in the past 6 months we have been attempting reconcilliation and every time things are going well(so I think) he backs off majorly, as soon as he thinks I don't wan't him around anymore, he becomes overly attentive, and says he is desperate to make things worse.
I have now finally had enough of the ups and downs and am making a life for me and my DC. I wanted a H not a third child.

TBH he sounds very similar in an attention seeking type way, my ex said on a couple of occasions that he had thought of having an affair, in order to get the attention he craved.

I don't think your H is having an affair but he needs a reality check, to grow up, and take responsibility for being a parent and accept that your lives have changed now. If not you need to take a stand, however hard that is, the ups and downs are too emotionally draining to continue.

I really hope you are able to get past this period in your marriage.

StillNorks Thu 20-Aug-09 07:47:47

work not worse( mind you that was the way it went(smile)

LastTrainToNowhere Thu 20-Aug-09 10:11:18

Yes, it's not proven fact that he IS having an affair. Maybe he's just thinking of it, maybe he's just flirting, maybe he's just being a big baby to add to the two you already have to handle.

Take it slowly, if I were you I wouldn't go out accusing him. If he isn't up to something it could just very insulting.

I'm not really sure what you should do. Hope you get past this. And hope your baby starts sleeping through the night soon. It's amazing what magic a full night's sleep could do to a relationship.

mamakim Thu 20-Aug-09 13:32:07

This morning he said he was leaving. Ds has been up all night in bed with me and dd with d&v. I've gone through 3 duvets in the night. I feel such a state.

I know i'm being pathetic but i keep thinking no one will want a 29yr old single mother with two children, he can just swan off and start again. (not that i want that)

I know everyone must think it but i really cannot believe this is happening to us. A year ago i'd never have dreamt it.

jabberwocky Thu 20-Aug-09 13:45:02

I'm so very sorry. Do you think there is any way he will agree to go to counselling? Do you have any friends or family who can come over today?

mamakim Thu 20-Aug-09 14:21:23

Ds is really poorly, i've got my mum round to help. He couldn't possibly take the morning off work today whilst i was cleaning up sick in between breastfeeding because his day was far too important. He has never once taken an hour out of work for me, when i've been ill while pregnant, while the children have been ill. My mum has taken sick days etc to help me.

diddl Thu 20-Aug-09 14:25:18

My husband has never taken days off for me and nor would I expect him to.

mamakim Thu 20-Aug-09 14:39:13

So if you're too poorly with sickness and diarrhea to look after a baby and you're pregnant, you just suffer? hmm fair enough. I expected marriage would be more equal and if the roles were reversed i certainly would for the one day per annumn, it's not every month.

GypsyMoth Thu 20-Aug-09 14:50:39

sounds like its 'marriage' to me!!!

hence why i'm happily un-married,and would never venture into that mad arena where controlling behaviour such as this happens!!

just say 'yeah,yeah,you have said it before,you're leaving. off you go then,dont slam the door'!!

he's controlling you.....and up to something with his phone!!!

diddl Thu 20-Aug-09 14:58:13

I´d much rather him be at work so I can be sick alone.
But he would obviously do any necessary shopping/jobs before going into work & in the evening would look after child(ren) so that I could go to bed/rest.

diddl Thu 20-Aug-09 15:06:05

Are you also ill, or just your son?

dittany Thu 20-Aug-09 15:14:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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