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So that's it then - I am destined to live the remainder of my life in misery.......

(38 Posts)
k850plus Wed 19-Aug-09 22:00:55

I have posted before re my miserable marriage, and my struggle to gather the courage to escape it. I have plotted and planned to the ninth degree, have now established what benefits I would be entitled to if I up and leave, and even came quite close to viewing a property to rent!!

This evening I manage to start a conversation regarding how we can't possibly carry on living like this - which of course quickly turned into a bitching session over who had done what to get us to this point; turns out it is all my fault cause I had post natal depression and that's where it all stemmed from ( must check that out with my Mum and sister, cause it was certainly never medically recorded and I don't recall it !!!!!)

Anyway upshot is (according to him)

a)if I instigate things and it ends up with him loosing everything he has put into this home of ours I will live to regret it
b)I couldn't posibly manage on my own
c) If I pursue this he will end up killing himself because he really couldn't bear to part with the house he has worked so hard to hold onto or the car that is soo precious to him - how would I like to have that on my consciounce he asks.
d)It's alright for me cause I will have an inheritance when my parents die and I will be able to start again - he isn't in that fortunate position
e)Why should we both be miserable living at a lower standard when we can remain miserable together.
f)I am a miserable person in general it has nothing to do with him

So it seems I must remain living like this - I have to be selfless and put up with this in order not to make his live any worse than it already is!!!!

This is exactly what I expected him to say once I plucked up the courage to have this conversation, exactly why I have been putting it off becaue I knew it would all be my fault and I would end up having to be the complete and utter bitch who wrecks everyones lives just to be happy myself.

I just know I am not strong enough to see this through with all this hanging over me.

mamas12 Wed 19-Aug-09 22:22:57

k850
You sound like I did 3 4 years ago.
Be prepared for the second round.
My ex said almost exactly the same things.
I went to my gp about him threatening to kill himself and she was great with me and that helped a lot.

At the time I didn't have mn so I couldn't vent and so it took longer to leave him than I think it would have if I had someone to talk to.

Please come on here and I will look out for you becasue omg you are me stepped back in time.

You are strong enough becasue now you've started you will finish it.

You know he's doing a mind fuck so don't have that in your head. Create a mantra you can repeat whenever he is 'going off' on one.

mamas12 Wed 19-Aug-09 22:24:34

You say yuou have done research, why not put some of that research into practice now. Does anyone in rl know or you could tell and then they could help you?

BitOfFun Wed 19-Aug-09 22:30:13

Just get it moving lovey- you can be happy again, lots of people are proof of that, myself included. I read this lady's update on her situation only yesterday, and I recommend you read it- it is quite an inspiration smile

GypsyMoth Wed 19-Aug-09 22:30:42

you sound like me stepped back in time too......there are loads of us here on MN!

you've done the thinking bit,the research,the telling him.....now its time to ACT!! go on,what are you waiting for......come and join us!!

HolyGuacamole Wed 19-Aug-09 22:31:04

Oh wow. He knows where to hit - where it hurts. What an arse, sorry but he is.

What I get from your post is that he is putting all material things above your own individual happiness, whilst shovelling a whole heap of the blame in your direction. Because of course, he thinks all of this just makes you jump for joy, like you ever wanted to find yourself in this situation?! Grrr. What a selfish, self pitying man. And how dare he refer to any possible future inheritance that may come your way, why the heck should something like that even enter his head?!

He could have said "I love you too much, lets work this out" etc etc etc......but no, it's all about his car, his house.

I do think though that you have done the right thing by having the conversation, that was very brave, you have been working up to this and it was never going to be pleasant. At least he now knows how you feel.

Easy to say but you cannot let this man control you with his emotional blackmailing because that is what it is.....he reminds you of the consequences should you choose to leave him, it's all me, me, me. There is not one ounce of consideration as to how you might have been feeling over the years, trying to keep it together.

veryconfusedandupset Wed 19-Aug-09 22:37:10

I'm having a rest from a thread I'm getting a lot of flack on. It will be traumatic for both of you getting divorced, and change is always difficult - it is easier for some people to be miserable where they are than to move on. I'm quite a lot older (but no wiser) than a lot of mumsnetters and quite a few of my friends have gone through divorces, in the end they don't seem to be any worse off financially after a few years and seem to be much happier once they have met someone who is better suited. Could you find someone to talk to your DH who has already been through it?

k850plus Wed 19-Aug-09 23:46:49

Dear all - thank you thank you thank you.

He always hits where it hurts most, he knows my weak spots and makes the most of that. He knows that I hate change, hate challenges, prefer a quiet life, don't do confrontation, hate to hurt peoples feelings and though I consider myself selfish in many ways I really do try to keep everyone else happy rather than put my own needs/feelings first, and am no good in an arguement! Ispit feathers on a regular basis about him to family and friends, but rarely do I say spiteful/unkind/untrue things about or to him.

I was tempted not to post cause I feel such a fool for letting him get to me this way and blocking things as i knew he would.

I have great family and friends who have been supporting me for many years now in my dilema about ending this misery. I have inched closer to this for so long now - and just knew this would be how it would go.

We have 2 teenagers - there was no mention of them in our discussion!! He has always had problems over verbalising his emotions,and always has been a very angry hard done by sort of bloke - embarassed about his "council house" background, and his family, don;t think I have every heard him say a kind word about them. I am sure this all goes back to his childhood and his family set up, as has been backed up just this week by the absolutley dispicable way his sister has been speaking to their elderly widowed Mother (swearing like a trooper at her - think that phrase might give my ages away!!!), she has been vile to the dear old lady. And my MIL says she knows SIL wont back down because she always has to have control - do we see a similarity here? Apparently I should be grateful that he is not like my BIL who has apparently been known to "push" my SIL over!!!

He has been married before - so has been in this position previously, hence I suspect that at 51 he doesn't want to have to go through it again.

He obviously sees my inheritance as something he was going to get the benefit of and can see it slipping through his hands. He made me feel as if I should apologise for the fact that my parents had the foresight/ability to plan ahead for their retirement and felt it was their responsibility to ensure there was something to pass on to my sister and I when they died.

He is concerned that the CSA will take every last penny he has and that I will strip him of everything in order to make him pay the price for him having an affair, the affair that I apparently drove him to! In that case he doesn't know me at all - even now I would never want to take what wasn't mine, I would never intentionally leave him penniless, I wasn't brought up to be that kind of person.

Even now as I sit here I am still finding excuses for his behaviour, his spitefullness and selfishness.

He - like his sister I suspect - gets really unpleasant and puts all the blame on others when they know full well that they are at the very least partially to blame for the upset.

I have even offered to take the blame for the whole damn demise of our marriage if it makes him feel better - but that still isn't good enough.

He just seems to think its ok for both of us to sit here till our dieing day and we don't deserve to be happy separatly.

I do hate myself for being so bloody weak and spineless, for letting someone else control me and for quashing my dreams!!!

BitOfFun Wed 19-Aug-09 23:54:14

You sound like me four years ago - it's spooky in fact! Right down to the "chip-on-shoulder-sense-of-entitlement"...it won't be easy to break away, but trust me, it will be the biggest single thing you can do for your health and sanity, and no matter how much of a twat he acts, the relief will be palpable- you'll be walking on air, and that feeling will see you through. I know it's tough, but god, it is worth it. And eventually he will accept it too, but you will be too happy to care.

Good luck sweetheart.

NanaNina Thu 20-Aug-09 01:57:41

K850 plus - I am sure you will get lots more posts on the same lines as you already have and I have absolutely no doubt that they are all on exactly the right track BUT I sense that something is holding you back, as you are still trying to find excuses for his behaviour.

Maybe you need to have a think about what it is in you and your background/upbringing that prevents you from ending the r/ship. difficulties in our adult life are almost always a re-enactment of something in our childhood. It maybe that you need some outside help to give you the emotionalsupport that I think that you might need to allow you to finally break away from this man. You have done all the practical stuff by the sound of it like finding out about finance etc which all makes perfect sense.

How about just moving out for a week or so (to a friend or even B & B/Travel Lodge) to demonstrate to him that things are going to change. You know tiny steps............that might give you the courage to take the next step..........Do your kids know about your wish to leave. Do you anticipate them going with you. Maybe it's time to talk to them if you haven't already done so.

As everyone else has said your H is only thinking "POOR ME" and thinking of every possible way to make you feel guilty enough to stay. I am a bit worried his deplorable tactics will be successful unless you are able to get the strength to make the break.

You say you have good friends and family. Go stay with one of them for a week or so and don't let him know where you are. Make sure the kids know you are O.K. It will give you time to think and more importantly it will show him that things are going to change. You never know you might decide that your next move is into that rented house!

Good luck and hoping so much that all turns out well for you. Oh and the usual good stuff from HolyG.

toomanystuffedbears Thu 20-Aug-09 02:34:46

a)that's a threat, report it-get it on record.

b)that is no concern of his. What you can not manage is to continue as things are.

c)also report talk of suicide: some localities have a policy of picking up such people for mandatory observation period (ie: he will be held 48-72 hrs) And see if the word "suicide" passes his lips again!

d)manipulation, plain and simple: he is using your "niceness" against you. Be nice to yourself first (from now on, ok? wink).

e)This makes no sense (indicating desperation). You are not presuming to be miserable without him, regardless of standard of living. The presumption of misery only lies in staying with him (regardless of standard of living).

f)If you are such a miserable person, why on earth would he want to be with you? ($$ parent'$ bequest? $$) It has nothing to do with him? Your marriage and/or "your problem" has nothing to do with him? H-e-l-l-o brainwashing. Such blanket universal statements indicate nothing but control; it is a power play to obliderate the existence of your brain [zombie emoticon]: must operate off of his brain-no other option.

I am sick and tired of the concept that when we realize that we do exist and put our needs on our list that we suddenly become selfish, self-centered bitches! angry angry We are entitled, YES ENTITLED, to our health-physical and mental.

I am sorry for my anger. Well, no I'm not. wink grin I am angry for you just from this post-I'm afraid I am not acquainted with your history.

warthog Thu 20-Aug-09 07:36:28

my god, he is an arch manipulator isn't he? he's got the measure of you just right imo. he knows you're kind, honourable and trying to make things work. he wants this status quo to carry on and keep you under his control. a horrible part of me thinks he also wants his hands on your inheritance, since he brought it up.

i definitely would not take the blame for the demise of your marriage. cite his affair, but don't make this your fault, even for an easy life.

diddl Thu 20-Aug-09 07:40:52

Of course you don´t have to stay.
If things can´t be worked out, that´s that.
He´s had an affair-what does that really say about his feelings for you?

LoveBeingAMummy Thu 20-Aug-09 07:44:37

You knew this part was going to be hard, was it really worse than you thought it would be? No it wasn't and you're still here smile

You can do this.

He is scared.

You can do this

He knows he is losing control.

You will go on to live a happy life, he will not, and no he won't kill himself, I've heard of many men threatening this and no=one has come back yet and said he did!

piscesmoon Thu 20-Aug-09 07:47:51

Spot on LoveBeingAMummy.
He knows exactly how to manipulate you-don't let him do it.

Unlikelyamazonian Thu 20-Aug-09 08:25:32

He so will not kill himself. My h threatened the same (a heroin overdose) but as it turned out he wanted to spend the 20k he nicked from us when he buggered off ! grin They are hollow threats because men like your H are too damn selfish and up their own arses to carry through.

So, when are you going to file for divorce? Site emotional and mental abuse and do it first and fast. Because if your parents do suddenly pass away while you are still married to this spoon, he will be entitled to a lump of it.

It is time to get yourself down to the solicitor right this afternoon. Have alarge g and t or whatever your favourtie sauce is, and do it. For the sake of your sanity and mental well-being my love. Don't you think you've given this man enough of yourself? He can go and be miserable on his own or with some other poor woman.

Be brave. Be a warrior. Be bloody. x

piscesmoon Thu 20-Aug-09 08:53:17

It is emotional blackmail-you are not responsible for his emotional well being.

LaurieFairyCake Thu 20-Aug-09 08:59:35

Also the thing about the money is one you can't win - if you gave him the house and car and the csa determined that he was to give you £200 a month he would STILL claim he was hard done by and bitch about you taking him for "everything".

You cannot win with someone like this, he will bitch about you whatever so you have to only look after yourself and get what you are entitled to.

TheDMshouldbeRivened Thu 20-Aug-09 09:05:05

good luck with your new life when you go ahead.

lilacclaire Thu 20-Aug-09 09:14:29

Oh my dad threatened my mum with killing himself, of course she took it all in and was nearly going to go back with him until I told her that it was no longer her problem and if he did so then it was HIS doing, not hers and did she want to spend the rest of her life in a miserable marriage.
Worked a treat, she didn't take him back, nor did he kill himself.
Don't get me wrong, I loved both my parents, but there was no disguising what a miserable bastard he was.

gingerbunny Thu 20-Aug-09 09:15:44

the man is an arse, leave him and his precious house and car and take your priceless children and find the happiness that you deserve.
he is not a child you are not responsibile for his actions.
you deserve better.

HolyGuacamole Thu 20-Aug-09 21:22:58

Hey k850plus, hope you are feeling a bit better today?

k850plus Thu 20-Aug-09 22:22:24

Dear All

Thanks again to you all - every single comment/piece of advice is much appreciated. When I went to bed last night there were 9 posts - when I was at my sisters this evening and we checked in, there were 22!

Hubby has been very subdued today, this morning he said how he was too emotionally drained to have a further conversation at that time but we needed to talk again as there were 2 others things that I needed to know/consider! Still waiting needless to say - he has had opportunity even though I have been out for 1.5hrs!! He was already in bed when I got back at 9.15 so obviously not desperate to have that chat.

I can wait a little longer - god knows I don't do things in a rush anyway!!!!

He has bought me 3 Walnut Whips tonight!!!! How nice is that of him - obviously it's not going to solve the problem, but at least he can then sling back in my face that he tries to be nice,kind and thoughtful but I just don't recognise it.

Have felt very up and down today - pleased with myself for at least saying what needed to be said, sad that it necessary. Just need to keep this moving now.

Will post again when there is more to report and I am not so tired!!! - thanks again for encouragement.

Digitalis Thu 20-Aug-09 22:40:07

Hello K850plus

I have recently left a man who said almost the exact same things to me including the suicide threats (which were just that - threats). Unfortunately it took me 2.5 years of trying to mend the marriage by making excuses and trying to be "better".

My problem was Guilt and until I could get into my brainwashed head that he was emotionally abusive and causing damage to myself and children I couldn't find the will to leave.

May I recommend that you order from Amazon a copy of the book "Why does he do That" about angry and controlling men by Lundy Bancroft?

It has changed the lives of many women (just read some of the reviews) as you will without a doubt recognise your abusive partner in the pages and feel the anger you need to get out. It worked for me.

Please also remember that with men like this if they think you are seeing through them or getting the strength to leave they often increase the controlling behaviour and can turn violent.

Good luck

Fimbo Thu 20-Aug-09 22:47:33

k850plus - My friend married her boyfriend, he kept saying if you ever leave me I will commit suicide. They were married for 4 months and he went off with someone else.

I know the above is only a fraction of what you are going through, but it is an empty threat.

Take care.

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