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Arguments over a different attitude towards looking after things

(10 Posts)
mumsfrazzled Wed 19-Aug-09 22:00:55

I just need some advice really and didn't know where to turn. Sorry if its a bit long.

A lot of the arguments between my DH and me have been due to his possesiveness of his possessions. I have often been accused of not taking good care of things.

I think he is obsessive of his things. examples are his precious car will spend ages trying to find the perfect parking spot.

I have a one year old car that we bought brand new and he is always quizzing me about where I parked it, Saying thing like I've scratched it and to be honest I can't even see the scratches that he picks up on. I am finding this behaviour is wearing me down.

The other day we went in my car and there was a little bit of mess in the car as the kids do eat in there after swimming and there were crumbs etc. He had a massive argument with me about the mess in the car in front of the DC.Fgs its my car what is his problem

I find Im becoming inceasingly like him so I dont get picked on. Today I took the children out and spent ages finding the perfect parking spot so I would not get the car damaged. But then one of the DC aged 6 opened the car door and banged it into the wall and it now has a small dent nothing i would take too much notice off. I found myself shouting at my DC for doing this as I knew I would get a hard time for this, which I feel really bad about as its not like he meant to do it.

Anyway I decided i was not going to mention to DH but one of the DC did and straight away he had to go and inspect and has now been off with both my DS and myself. If its not the car its something else. I really have had enough of arguing about things like this. He's accused me of not telling them off enough. now that the DC are in bed asleep, I have just screamed at him and told him its a f**** car and I couldn't care less if its been scratched a little

If its not the car its scratching the DVD's the Tele the table. There is always something and i have just had enough. AHHHHHHHHHHHHh I just wanted to let that out, or is it me do I just not take care of thing well enough.

Sorry if there's spelling mistakes as I have typed very quickly and not read it again.

mumsfrazzled Wed 19-Aug-09 22:45:26


Spero Wed 19-Aug-09 22:51:27

I think you have to try to meet in the middle. He obviously gets upset because I assume he is thinking - this is important to me, but she doesn't think its important, therefore i'm not important, etc, etc whereas you are getting worn down because it does sound like he is being unreasonable.

And it is not fair to make it the children's problem as well.

Maybe if you tried being sympathetic and saying you realise this is a big deal for him and you will try to take as much care as you can, but he has to accept that anything you take out of the box and into the real world is inevitably going to get scuffed and scratched.

And its definitely not worth making each other miserable and stressed.

lilacclaire Wed 19-Aug-09 23:04:35

Im more like your dh and my dp is more like you.
From my own experience, having been very poor and having nothing, I really value what things I do have now and take good care of them.
DP been in the same boat as me and just doesn't really care if things get scratched or bashed.
Im not as extreme as your dh though, you should see the mess inside my car!! Although I do expect things to be in good clean order, I really do have a fear of going back to nothing though and can be a bit possesive about things like this (minus the mess in the car obviously).
I don't know if this bears any resemblance to why your dh acts this way.

mumsfrazzled Thu 20-Aug-09 16:08:58

I think he behaves like this because when he was growing up he never had a car his mum and dad can't drive so I think he values it a lot more than me, like you he has had a poor upbringing so looks after his things a lot more than me.

I'm going to try and not let this get too me.

Thx for the replies.

Domokun Thu 20-Aug-09 17:43:31

Seriously though - use the child locks to prevent your DC from opening the doors themselves.

CarGirl Thu 20-Aug-09 17:53:25

Hmmm I think you need to talk to your dh about his ocd tendencies and both of you meet in the middle.

You tell him that you committ to being careful and appreciative of things but that you refuse to become materialistically obsessed about items to the point where you and the kids are too scared oto use anything!

haventsleptforayear Thu 20-Aug-09 20:07:59

Dh is a little like this - he doesn't shout at me but I can FEEL the disapproval !

His whole family are very careful with things in the same way.

I am naturally more clumsy and also my dad used to get v. cross with me about "ruining" things so I tend to rebell now.

I HAVE learnt to be more careful through DH, which isn't a bad thing but sometimes life is just too short to worry about it.

I try not to stress the kids too much about it (although right now they are bouncing on the trampoline and I have told them to move it onto the mat so they don't mark the floor grin) and I often try to minimise stuff with DH.

He is getting slightly less fussy I think and me more careful.

blueshoes Thu 20-Aug-09 20:18:27

mumsfrazzled, I was also thinking that your dh might have grown up without a lot of material possessions and is attributing a lot of importance to them.

Apart from this possessiveness, is he obsessive in other ways? Are his family the same?

beanieb Thu 20-Aug-09 20:28:20

I grew up with nothing and I treat things in s a shocking way. So I don't think it's necessarily anything to do with him not having things as a child.

People are different, he sounds a bit OCD to be honest. My ex was like this about tidying and I tried everything to meet him in the middle but my best was never good enough and he basically refused to meet me in the middle - if I wasn't prepared to do things the way he expected them done then he got all moany and sulky and foot stampy.

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