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at what point do you stop trying?

(11 Posts)
petitmaman Wed 19-Aug-09 21:38:11

dh and i have been married for 5 yrs. dh can be incredibly lazy and selfish and we have nothing in common bar the children. I go through stages of thinking oh this is fine and we can make it work but then i go through stages of just being so depressed about our marriage. he has made more of an effort over the last year or so after i gave him an ultimatum to buck up or out . the thing is i just don't love him. i never want him anywhere near me. it is starting to make me into quite a bitter person sad
the thing is that he is very happy and so are dds so i feel it would be veryselfish to tear family up for nothing. WWYD? have tried relate etc. when i talk to him about the way i feel he either says that it is my problem as he is happy or says things will change. but they never do for long. i have had enough really but dds are only 2 and7.
opinions please.

Kaza1 Wed 19-Aug-09 21:44:47

I think you know yourself you need to leave him. If you're not happy then your DDs will pick up on this. Is it worthn trying relate again?

petitmaman Wed 19-Aug-09 21:48:15

i dont think so . dh is not a 'talker'. (one of the probs to start with) i went by myself before but to be honest i found the whole thing a bit awkward. think i can hide it form dds and just don't know if i can be the cause of their u[set without good reason.

StirlingTheTired Wed 19-Aug-09 22:53:46

I think the problem with this situation (and I am in the same) is that the men see no reason to end it - they are usually getting meals cooked, the kids happy and looked after, the washing done and sometimes, even, sex. Why would they want to end it??

Women need more emotion and feelings. Men look at it differently.

You will have to be the strong one here and make a decision - sorry!

lilacclaire Wed 19-Aug-09 22:58:26

Stirling, can some men really drift along like this?
Could explain a lot in my own house.....

petitmaman Thu 20-Aug-09 07:43:11

Thanks . good to know some people are in the same situation. is it really enough to end a marriage though? sometimes i think we can just drift and others i think that i have to have your husbands seem happy? i think mine is but then he has previously admitted to me that he hates change so much he wouldn't change something even if he knew it would be for the better in the end shock
He is usually very laid back but i don't think that he would make this easy for me.
Come to the conclusion that this must be why a lot of people leave for other someone else. it is just the imputus (sp?) they need after years of muddling along??

mycampingshame Thu 20-Aug-09 09:29:46

I agree with Stirling.

IME men take the line of least resistance and will only make a break if things are very, very bad in their home situation. They are much more likely to adopt the 'monkey approach ' and only let go of one relationship when they have another to grasp hold of.

Women tend to be much more willing to leave a bad relationship to be on their own rather than put up with all manner of crap in an existing one.

FWIW I couldn't live like you are at the moment. If you don't love him and have no physical relationship then its not really a marriage is it ? You could just co-parent apart and your kids would adapt.

If you stay and nothing changes then you will end up bitter and resentful and life is too short for that.

If you really can't bear to leave, then try and build up a better life for yourself within the marriage regardless of what you DH does - pursue any interests you have, develop new ones, encourage him to do things he likes. Focus on being a happy person and not just a happy wife and mother - these will follow on if you can develop your own sense of worth and self esteem.

petitmaman Thu 20-Aug-09 09:38:02

thanks camper. (what is your camping shame by the way?!)
he certainly has interests of his own and i try to do that but it is hard with 2 young dc.
think he nd i need to have a chat.
def true about the monkey thing. i think he genuinely doesn't know what the problem is. I mean why would we ever need to have an actual conversation hmm

mycampingshame Thu 20-Aug-09 10:15:24

He's not a mountain biker is he ! My DP and me nearly split due to his obsession with his and the knock on effect on our relationship.

As for my camping shame - you will need to refer to the 'sex whilst camping'thread for that one blush.

petitmaman Thu 20-Aug-09 11:53:04

Ha ha we are going camping tmw but no chance of camping shame.
Not a mountain biker, fishing. sadly i find the time he spends away a relief more than anything.

NewLeaseofLife Thu 20-Aug-09 13:35:24

Petitmaman -
'the thing is i just don't love him' Here...You have to be absouloutly sure that you are no longer in love with him. If you are not then stop it now, it will cause no end of pain for everyone involved if you dont.

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