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Please help me to figure this out

(12 Posts)
doopdedoop Wed 19-Aug-09 11:22:41

namechanger here - cod,judge flounce,cube of poo.

I have been with my DP for 5 years and have a 10mo DD, for the past couple of years our arguing got steadily worse and worse, he never hit me but he called me fat, useless, and so many other things. I was too ashamed to tell anyone and put up with it for some reason. He never apologised, but told me to just forget about it, he didnt mean it and why do i always bring up the past? hmm

A couple of months ago a friend asked me how things were with me and DP and i had seemed a bit down, and everything came pouring out, she was shocked but very supportive and since then i have also told my mother who is also brill.

I told DP that i had had enough, and i was leaving. He begged me to stay and cried solidly for a whole week. I had never seen him cry before.

Since then he has been the perfect DP, always nice to me etc. Since then, i have tried to relax and enjoy our time together but i just cant, i dont want him to touch me, kiss me or anything. Sex is completely out of the question. He says he want it to work but it won't unless i put effort in aswell. I am still so angry with him, and angry with myself for putting up with it.

I just dont know if the anger will ever go away. I dont know if i need to wait and see, or if i just dont love him anymore? I say i love him when he says it to me, but i dont know if i do.

Sorry for the rant, dont know what response i am expecting TBH. sad

msrisotto Wed 19-Aug-09 11:29:41

Well hey, if he's really trying and you want to give it another go there's no harm in trying relate. No promises that everything will work out but at elast you'll have given it your best shot.
Don't feel pressure to have sex though, bridges need to be rebuilt and it takes a long time and you go at your pace.

msrisotto Wed 19-Aug-09 11:32:02


ibangthedrums Wed 19-Aug-09 11:40:39

How do you feel when you imagine life without him?

If you feel a sense of relief then thay may be your answer. If you feel that deep down you want to give it a go then Relate may help get over your anger. Have you ever really talked to him about how angry he has made you?

nje3006 Wed 19-Aug-09 11:43:39

His change may be permanent, it may not be. As the others say, try it for a bit and see how you feel. Now is your time to lay down exactly how you want things to be and if that includes couples counselling, now is the time to lay that down as a condition.

Be strong, you have the power right now. Use it to get what you need and what you deserve from this relationship. At a very minimum to be treated with respect and consideration. If he can't manage that consistently then yes, you have a serious problem.

doopdedoop Wed 19-Aug-09 11:51:31

Thanks for the replies, in the past, after another awful argument i told him how upset and angry he made me feel and he just used to say ' well you know where the door is then'.

Since i threatened to leave i have told him again how angry i was/am and he said he was sorry and cried and cried.

Usually when someone cries i get upset and cry too, but i just looked at him and thought 'but what about all the times i cried?'

I can imagine my life without him, which probably isnt a good thing. I do care about him a lot, but do i want to spend the rest of my life with him? I just dont know.

GypsyMoth Wed 19-Aug-09 11:58:32

the that the problem? he cried,your plans changed. its kind of controlling isn't it?

also,did seeing him cry make you change the way you feel do you think? for me,once my (ex) resorted to that,it truly emasculated him,and i just looked at him and thought,pathetic!!

talking about prolonged crying at a time where it looked like i'd be asserting myself,not regular tears,or anything normal!

doopdedoop Wed 19-Aug-09 12:04:12

His tears and emotions seemed real, but i also felt manipulated when i thought about it afterwards.

I used to cry all the time, i would beg him to please stop saying such horrible things to me and he ignored me and told me to be quiet.

I suppose his tears shocked me, i didnt know what to do. I felt sorry for him (ha!) because he said he didnt want to be a 'weekend dad'. If i left i would have so much guilt

ibangthedrums Wed 19-Aug-09 12:05:04

Relationships can break up when you don't actively hate the person but things have gone on which mean you cannot be together for whatever reason.

Sometimes this is harder than actually hating their guts as you don't have anything to focus your energies on IYSWIM?

This sounds harsh but you can't focus on how upset he is, you have to make the right decision for you. Have you though about moving out on a trial basis - is that possible?

Perhaps sign up for some counselling but give yourself a deadline. I know friends who have let time go on and all of a sudden years have passed and it did not seem the right thing to leave after all that time, despite the fact things weren't right.

doopdedoop Wed 19-Aug-09 12:12:35

Totally agree, i think that maybe there is too much water gone under the bridge IYSWIM, i do think it would be much easier if i hated him though blush

I couldn't move out on a trial basis, my mother says she will take in me and DD and then find me somewhere else to live, but i couldnt go back and forth.

Such a hard decision.

AnyFucker Wed 19-Aug-09 13:54:49

he is upset about being a weekend dad ??

did he think about that when he was pushing you to the edge with his constant verbal and emotional put-downs ?

I don't think there is any need for you to feel guilty, it certainly sounds like you have tried repeatedly over a period of time to meet him more than half-way in your relationship

now that he finally sees that you may really give up, he turns on the tears

that is really pathetic and rather manipulative

don't fall for it

has he shown you in any way by his actions, not his words, that he has changed other than in just a temporary butter-up-the-mrs-so-she-shuts-up-moaning-for-a-while method ??

ibangthedrums Wed 19-Aug-09 16:33:19

I think in your heart you know what you want to do - be brave and do it.

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