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Anyone ever used a private detective to follow DH/DP?

(20 Posts)
ADifferentMe Wed 19-Aug-09 11:18:16

How much did they find out for you, was it expensive, was it worth it?

I need concrete proof of what I'm 99% sure of.

midnightexpress Wed 19-Aug-09 11:20:45

I haven't but I have a friend who did. I won't go into the details here for fear of outing her in RL, but suffice to say that they were so hopelessly incompetent that you could have made a very funny film of the story.

MamazontheDailyMailtakingadump Wed 19-Aug-09 11:24:29

If you are 99% certain then what will you gain from that extra 1%?
I think that its just a horrific lack of trust. if you feel you need to get someone to spy on your P then clearly the relationship is all but finished.

just have the conversation.

I can't see how this will ever end well. He gets you the proof you think you want and your relationship ends.

He doesn't and your still suspicious you just think he didn't get the right info. your eaten up by the thought he ius cheating and the relationship is doomed anyway.

or worse still he is innocent and finds out about the spy, he feels so utterly betrayed by your lack of trust and ends it for you

i just can't see how this can be a good thing

Scorps Wed 19-Aug-09 11:25:09

Trust your gut instinct; 99% sure is alot.

Tortington Wed 19-Aug-09 11:25:41

i wouldn't need proof

i am not a court of law

i wouldn't waste money on somethng i already know

you know

so leave

midnightexpress Wed 19-Aug-09 11:26:44

I fear mamazon and custy are right if you are 99% sure then why bother spending money on the 1%? Sounds doomed.

ADifferentMe Wed 19-Aug-09 11:33:51

Because years of living with an alcoholic have left me doubting my own sanity.

MamazontheDailyMailtakingadump Wed 19-Aug-09 11:37:53

he's the alcoholic not you. your judgment is sound.

if you know deep down you don't need someone in a mack to show you sleazy photos.

kick him out and start your life afresh

harleyd Wed 19-Aug-09 11:44:49

99% sure is concrete enough

or just follow him yourself, sure as hell beats forking out a fortune

mrsboogie Wed 19-Aug-09 13:00:09

if you have to hire a private detective the relationship is already dead. just give it a decent burial and move on...

sincitylover Wed 19-Aug-09 13:46:07

I was going to do this with exh but tbh in the end I decided that the marriage was dead and I'd be better off spending the money on something nice for me!!

I did make enquiries though and think it was in the region of #200 - #300

ADifferentMe Wed 19-Aug-09 14:27:15

Thanks sincitylover, hope things are OK for you now - maybe a new handbag instead.

HolyGuacamole Wed 19-Aug-09 14:54:49

Agree with sincity and everyone else, buy yourself something nice to celebrate your new life without him. Sorry, I know that is easy to say and don't mean to sound flippant.

Good luck.

abedelia Wed 19-Aug-09 19:25:28

Don't agree - I have read what I think I remember to be your previous post and while he does sound like a real albatross I do know that it takes a lot to have the incentive to leave someone you once loved, even if it is for the best.

If this is what you need then google private detectives and spend a few hundred quid. What's that worth compared to wasting the rest of your life on someone who is worthless and you can't trust? Whatever they find out about his habits won't be pleasant but at least then you will be able to fully justify moving out and on. But can't you get a mate to do it, or hire a babysitter and a different car, slip on a wig (!) and do it yourself? Much cheaper and you know the job will be done properly.

ADifferentMe Wed 19-Aug-09 19:53:19

Abdelia - done that before, I learned that I'd make a crap detective, lost him at the first junction, went home and he got home three hours later claiming to have been in the place I last saw him!

I think I need to know that I've done everything I can to save this marriage and reassurance that I'm not barking.

Heated Wed 19-Aug-09 20:06:48

A good friend paid for a private detective to follow his wife in another country - came to the cost of a small car. The evidence was inconclusive really and inadmissible in court but he wanted to know whether there was a marriage to continue to try to save or whether he was banging his head against a brick wall. But crucially he has the money to do this.

It's made no difference to the outcome; they are divorcing but he has come to terms, has a new life and a burgeoning new relationship.

The Q to ask is are you happy? Are you the only one investing in the marriage? Can you envisage another 40 yrs of this?

Basket Wed 19-Aug-09 22:10:29

I haven't but have thought about it. I fully understand why you need the proof despite being 99% certain - I would too. Have you checked email/phone/Blackberry (if he has one)? Have you got a friend he doesn't know who cld do it for you?

ADifferentMe Wed 19-Aug-09 23:15:25

Basket, it's his mobile that's made me suspicious - he's a bit of a Luddite and doesn't realise I can see the bill online. Every time he goes out in the evening he calls her as soon as he's left the house. He hasn't been able to give me a plausible explanation.

Heated, no I'm not happy. He's 10 years older than me (I'm his second wife) and has theoretically only got 8 years to retirement. I'm terrified that I'll be supporting him whilst he just gets pissed all day and shags the other OAPs! I'm not looking for proof for a court, just for me.

ChocHobNob Wed 19-Aug-09 23:31:00

Ring her.

NotPlayingAnyMore Thu 20-Aug-09 02:24:22

"He's 10 years older than me"

10 years longer to find happiness then! don't waste them...

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