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P makes communication very difficult - any advice?

(9 Posts)
BertieBotts Wed 19-Aug-09 10:28:56

I think our relationship is probably doomed and we have come too far to go back - but would like the chance to talk to DP properly.

He never wants to have a serious discussion. The only time I have his full attention is when we are about to/have just had sex (not that there is much of that going on) - and if I ever talk to him he doesn't want to look me in the eyes. I am not entirely sure I have his attention around the sex times anyway hmm

His only way of bringing up emotional stuff is to text me, usually at about this time of day, following an argument or something that has happened the night before, the problem is he is at work now and won't be home until at least 6 or later. So he texts me about the problem, if I ignore/miss the texts he gets paranoid and sends increasingly panicked/angry ones depending on how stressed he is, if I reply and say everything is fine, I am lying! But if I reply honestly then he works himself up making it into a huge issue and it's usually not that serious. Because absolutely everything is black and white to him - so if I for example say I feel he is a bit of a workaholic and could he spend a bit more time with us at the weekend, he sees this as me saying that he shouldn't work and ALL the work he does is useless and unvalued.

It is so hard and I think I have just come to the end of my tether with it, but wondered if anyone else was dealing with anything similar?

ilovetrees Wed 19-Aug-09 10:52:01

Hi Bertie, not dealing with anything similar but I see myself in bits of your dp. The text thing and the panicking about thinking that things are worse than they are is something I can do too.

If it's any help, I know that I worry like this because I am afraid that if my dp brings something up with me it means that he will leave or not forgive me or is not happy with me.

It sounds to me like he is very insecure and like a lot of men, finds it incredibly difficult to express his feelings. Has he been badly hurt by a previous relationship? Is there anything in his past life that may not have been resolved? Sounds like he's afraid of loss.

He may need a lot of reassurance from you at the moment. Could you both go out for a meal and try to chat to him about stuff on neutral territory? He may find this easier.

I may be way off the mark here but just going on how I feel sometimes and I do know why I do it.

fabnewlife Wed 19-Aug-09 10:56:14

Bertie, have CAT'd you.

MagNacarta Wed 19-Aug-09 11:05:04

what Ilovetree said - could have posted it myself.

BertieBotts Wed 19-Aug-09 11:05:48

No, it's interesting as he is so closed and difficult to talk to, it's nice to have an idea of what might be going on in there (though I realise he is a completely different person and may not be the same)

He is very insecure, I know. Every single other relationship he has had has ended with the woman cheating on him - to be honest, I'm not sure whether this is what has made him insecure or whether he has made this happen again and again, he does not trust me at all and withdraws affection when he feels betrayed (which he does at the slightest thing, example, he didn't try to stop me or anything but made it very clear he didn't like me going along to a live band with my mum one day, because the band were male and he thought I might flirt with them.) - it would be very easy for me to seek comfort with a male friend and accidentally slip into a relationship with them, but I am careful to avoid that. I'm just saying I can see how easy it would be for the other women he has gone out with to do that, so am wondering whether he is the problem. Of course, it could be a combination of things.

He never wants to talk about his childhood and claims he doesn't remember most of it, so I think there is probably some stuff there he is bottling up. I know his Dad left when he was young and he hasn't had any contact since, though he sees him occasionally around town so he knows he is still alive etc. Apparently someone said to him, "Aren't you going to see your grandson?" and he just said no.

I hate to do the whole cod-psychology thing but I do wonder whether it is related.

The other thing is I don't actually think he is happy with me and he would be much happier with another woman but it's like he is scared to admit that as well.

BertieBotts Wed 19-Aug-09 11:07:06

fabnewlife, not sure I have CAT set up.

DS is crying

fabnewlife Wed 19-Aug-09 11:10:51

check you email and let me know.

BertieBotts Wed 19-Aug-09 11:14:59

Have just checked and I haven't had anything. Sorry for brief message before! Just wanted to explain sudden disappearance.

fabnewlife Wed 19-Aug-09 11:21:24

ok Bertie. You can contact me on fabnewlife@live.co.uk.

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