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Moving 35 miles away with my 2 boys

(5 Posts)
evebunny Tue 18-Aug-09 19:54:59

I am new here. hoping for some help. I go up and down with this one, read so many different opinions. I finally left my ex husband a year and a half ago, after trying for 15 years to make it work. I already had a 1 year old when we met and then we had another together. The boys are now 17 and 13. I had trie to leave 3 times over the years, and never actually managed it after my self esteem had become so low because of the paranoia and controling from my ex. But i couldnt take it anymore and so finally had the strength to front him on everything he had put me through in teh hope that he would realise and take some responsibility for the breakdown or at least apologise and try. But instead he became violent when faced with my questioning and my standing up fo rmyself for a change. So that decide it once and for all. So we left. A work friend out me up for a few weeks. I tried to have the boys with me but as the ex wouldnt let me stay at the house and he wouldnt move out I had to arue with him every day to see the boys. I picked the youngest up from school everyday and he would only allow me to see him fo ran hour and then bring him back home. My flat mate said i could have the boys move in. But ex wouldnt have it. He then asked me when my eldets was noving out as he was my blood not his. I knew he would do this. So after about 6 weeks of two and frowing and crying pretty much every night because he wouldnt allow me to have my youngest with me, my work friend said he would gladly rent a house with me to help me have the boys with me. This was really kind and shows that not all men are bad. He wa also going through a divorce so it helped us both. He has moved in with his new girlfriend, I have no problem with this. Never met her, but as long as my son is ok with her then thats fine. He see my youngest every week 2 or 3 times alternate weeks. He has snubbed my eldest who has called him dad for 15 years. But what can i do. He now hates him. Anyway, I have ,met someone new who i have known for a good few years. We are very happy and my kids adore him. He is fun and happy and the sweetest kindest person I have ever met. he has a great family and they have welcomed me and the boys with open arms (something i have never had with my own family). I love the area he lives in which is 35 miles away from where I am. Its got great schools, countryside, my eldest loves this too,. Job prospects are better and the standard of living is much better and healthier there than where i have lived for the past 25 years. My kids seems happy to move and with no family support here I feel that moving would be a great new start for us. The decree nisi has just been announced and I thought my ex was being helpful and reasonable and amicable of late. Which is fine but I have now announced to him that we are moving. He drove off angry when he came to collect my son. He will never discuss anything anyway, part of the reason we split, but thought he may have been moving on. Not so sure now., It takes me half hour in to morning sometimes a little more when we stay over my boyfriends. Its not that far,and i am offering to meet halfway or for him have him more during the week. He doesnt pay any maintanance and works for himself so will probably never have to, also knew he would do this., But feel i am being fair. I would love to change my sons school but feel that this may be unfair because of his age and he is happy there. I still work over here so will have to come this way anyway so no prob taking my son to school. i also work school hours and my boss is so flexible and understanding. However my ex is not happy about the move. Worried he will try and stop it and even if he cant am now so worried that because he will live nearer my sons school that he will fight for custody. My son says he wants to move and be with us. Dont want the boys split up. Whereas this would not bother my ex. Any help, anything legal too.??

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 18-Aug-09 20:22:25

I am new here. hoping for some help. I go up and down with this one, read so many different opinions.

I finally left my ex husband a year and a half ago, after trying for 15 years to make it work. I already had a 1 year old when we met and then we had another together. The boys are now 17 and 13.

I had trie to leave 3 times over the years, and never actually managed it after my self esteem had become so low because of the paranoia and controling from my ex. But i couldnt take it anymore and so finally had the strength to front him on everything he had put me through in teh hope that he would realise and take some responsibility for the breakdown or at least apologise and try.

But instead he became violent when faced with my questioning and my standing up fo rmyself for a change. So that decide it once and for all. So we left. A work friend out me up for a few weeks. I tried to have the boys with me but as the ex wouldnt let me stay at the house and he wouldnt move out I had to arue with him every day to see the boys.

I picked the youngest up from school everyday and he would only allow me to see him fo ran hour and then bring him back home. My flat mate said i could have the boys move in. But ex wouldnt have it. He then asked me when my eldets was noving out as he was my blood not his. I knew he would do this.

So after about 6 weeks of two and frowing and crying pretty much every night because he wouldnt allow me to have my youngest with me, my work friend said he would gladly rent a house with me to help me have the boys with me. This was really kind and shows that not all men are bad. He wa also going through a divorce so it helped us both.

He has moved in with his new girlfriend, I have no problem with this. Never met her, but as long as my son is ok with her then thats fine. He see my youngest every week 2 or 3 times alternate weeks. He has snubbed my eldest who has called him dad for 15 years. But what can i do. He now hates him.

Anyway, I have ,met someone new who i have known for a good few years. We are very happy and my kids adore him. He is fun and happy and the sweetest kindest person I have ever met. he has a great family and they have welcomed me and the boys with open arms (something i have never had with my own family).

I love the area he lives in which is 35 miles away from where I am. Its got great schools, countryside, my eldest loves this too,. Job prospects are better and the standard of living is much better and healthier there than where i have lived for the past 25 years.

My kids seems happy to move and with no family support here I feel that moving would be a great new start for us. The decree nisi has just been announced and I thought my ex was being helpful and reasonable and amicable of late. Which is fine but I have now announced to him that we are moving. He drove off angry when he came to collect my son.

He will never discuss anything anyway, part of the reason we split, but thought he may have been moving on. Not so sure now., It takes me half hour in to morning sometimes a little more when we stay over my boyfriends. Its not that far,and i am offering to meet halfway or for him have him more during the week.

He doesnt pay any maintanance and works for himself so will probably never have to, also knew he would do this., But feel i am being fair. I would love to change my sons school but feel that this may be unfair because of his age and he is happy there. I still work over here so will have to come this way anyway so no prob taking my son to school.

i also work school hours and my boss is so flexible and understanding. However my ex is not happy about the move. Worried he will try and stop it and even if he cant am now so worried that because he will live nearer my sons school that he will fight for custody. My son says he wants to move and be with us. Dont want the boys split up. Whereas this would not bother my ex. Any help, anything legal too.??

Reposted with paragraphs - will read it now...

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 18-Aug-09 20:26:34

Sounds awful - but at the end of the day the boys are old enough to decide who they live with. Do you work? Have you always been DS2's main caregiver? Honestly, if you aren't going to prevent contact between them, and DS2 doesn't want to live with him, you'll be fine. There is nothing the courts can do to force a 13 year old to live where he doesn't want to, AFAIK, if the resident parent is fine (not abusive)

WhatFreshHellIsThis Tue 18-Aug-09 20:28:16

I have no experience of this so limited help, but wanted to say that you sound utterly reasonable and more than fair to your ex, despite what sounds like very controlling behaviour on his part.

Nothing much will change for him, presumably, as your son will still be in the same school and you'll even meet him half way for access, so his only objection can be that you're moving on with your life and he doesn't like it.

At 13, surely the family courts would take your son's wishes into account about who he wants to live with? I think you should take your new start and seize it with both hands.

Baby crying, got to go, but I wish you all the best with your new start smile

BitOfFun Tue 18-Aug-09 20:32:15

Your ex just has to suck it up- don't worry and good luck!

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