Just can't seem to sort myself out!!!

[Worldturnedupsidedown]

Things are so crap at the moment. My H left in April after saying he did not feel in love with me anymore (i did post a while back). After 2 occasions of him saying he wanted to make a go of it again and then changing his mind, I am left in turmoil.

I have desperately tried to pick up the piece of my life,with counselling and now on anti-depressants. I have tried to go out, even meeting other men, but can't seem to shake how I feel about him.

He has been pretty rotten to me and keeps asking me to put the house on the market. Blaming me for the fact he has no money (he rents a flat) and crying infront of our daughter because he can't afford to take her out.

I know I have to sell the house but don't have the strength to go through with it. I don't want to be here but feel like holding onto the house gives me some control as he has made every decision about my life in the past 4 months.

Now I find out there is someone else on the scene and feel so physically sick at the thought of it that my hands go numb and the energy drains from my body.

Do I want him back?? I don't think I could if he ever changed his mind. But I still have feelings for him and I'm afraid I won't ever get over him. I am so afraid to see him and avoid any contact with him, verbally or physically; really just to protect myself.

I do feel like I'm losing the plot.......

[Worldturnedupsidedown]

Any advice out there?? xx

[HolyGuacamole]

Aw, sorry you are going thru this

It is only natural for you to still have feelings but at some point, you know the best thing to do is to start to look at the reality of the situation and redirect your feelings to the part of your life where they will help most. He is no longer the man you once knew.

Maybe I am wrong but I think that by you have to grieve for the relationship you had and then start making plans to move on.

You absolutely WILL get over him, look at all the stories on here of women who have went out and become independent and happy when they thought they never would.

Perhaps you should get yourself some legal advice, that in itself will allow you to move on a step. Maybe keep your distance from him and start to think of the things that you can do to move your life forward. You know it's the only way and you must start somewhere because this will not go away.

[bargainhuntingbetty]

You are not losing the plot. This man has been a part of your life for a long time and you have a dd together. I dont know how you should/do feel but I just wanted you to know that as far as I can see, given he has someone else on the scene now, you are perfectly entitled to feel as you do.

My friend was in a similar situation to you, her dh left her when she was pg with their dd. He was nasty to her and stuff and said he only married her becuase she wanted it. She had to sell the house etc, then she found out that their was someone else involved. She slowly moved on and is now happily married to someone else. Basically that story was just to let you knwo that there is hope.

I am sure someone better will come along with advice soon. Take care

[Worldturnedupsidedown]

Thanks..I know its not right but its real and its happening. I just can't seem to get my head around it. Maybe I'm still in denial

[HolyGuacamole]

Maybe you are still in denial and maybe that is why you are so very shocked and upset by his latest news. Being in denial can be quite a natural reaction to lots of things and sometimes it is a coping mechanism - in your mind it pushes the problem far away and pretends it's not really happening and that allows you to get on with your day without worrying or being upset.

You have to take things one step at a time....but....you also have to start to make plans when you feel ready.

Do your family/friends know what has been happening?

[Worldturnedupsidedown]

Thats what worries me as I don't feel I'll ever be ready to confront it and deal with everything.

My family know but don't live in the area; however I do have good friends that I have been talking to...I feel like I need someone to take over my life and sort this mess out as I don't have the strength to do it...

Sorry that sounds so weak..but I do feel so drained and sorry for myself.

[HolyGuacamole]

Nah, it's not weak at all, far from it.

You should let your friends take over for a bit if you can. Get them round for a chat, a good cry and a bottle of wine. I think you would feel a whole lot better if you can get it all out. Your friends can't help you if you don't be upfront and tell them exactly how you are feeling.

What about maybe taking a little break away to see your family? Or maybe invite them down for a few days?

[Worldturnedupsidedown]

Thanks Holy, I did think of trying to get away, just know what I have to come back to.

[NanaNina]

Oh WTUD - I am so sorry you are feeling so rotten and it's hardly surprising really. Indeed it would be odd if you were feeling anything else. I think the fact that your e has made another r/ship has worsened things for you so much and this I can understand. Maybe the thought of him being all nice with some other woman when he has been so mean to you. Yes I'm sure he is being like this BUT don't forget he is still who he is and leopards don't change their spots so in time this OW will find him out for who he is and then it will be her turn to be upset!

Your ex sounds like he likes to play the "victim" position in life and you musn't get sucked into that. You must try to stop usingup what emotional energy you have left in tormenting yourself with thoughts about him and the OW - difficult I know but try not to do it. I think you are being very hard on yourself, expecting NOT to feel like this after such a short time. You have had a major life crisis and you need time to assimilate what has happened and heal yourself and this will take time - much more time than you realise.

I also wonder about the wisdom of trying to meet other men at this time in your life. I think you need to recover from what has happened and meeting other men at this time does not in my view give you the best chance of making another good r/ship. Your main priority should be YOU and your daughter. Be gentle with yourself, take allthe help and support you can get, stop thinking you are weak - you are not weak, just human!

HolyG is giving such good advice and I have noticed her posts elsewhere - such a voice of reason!

Take care and things will get better but it will alltake time - there are unfortunately no short cuts. This time next year you will be able to look back and see how much better you feel.

[Worldturnedupsidedown]

I know I don't want another man and I'm just desperately trying to fill this void that I'm in.

I still love my H (i think)my feelings are so strong that I just don't want to see him as I go to pieces. He wants to meet to discuss the house etc but I can't do it....

How do I cope with this? Why do I still feel so much for him after what he has done to me

[mycampingshame]

You still feel like this because you love him and it was not your decision to end the relationship. This decision was pressed on you and this life altering change is something that you have no control of and no influence on. Your H has appeared to move on quicker because men just generally do and because it was his choice so he has had longer to come to terms with it.

And that is really, really tough to deal with.

I have been there myself and four months is not a long time to adapt to this amount of change. I don't want to dishearten you, but this will take a fair amount of time to come to terms with. You need to face this and don't beat yourself up for not being further on than you think you should be.

Focus on yourself and on self preservation - do whatever you need to do. I would not put the house on the market - thats just added stress you can do without. Give it a bit longer. And limiting contact is a very good idea - deal with what is already on your plate and add as little to it as you can. Don't complicate it by meeting someone else just yet.

You will get through this and come out the other side. My counsellor kept reassuring me that human beings are designed to get over these things and that if we weren't then no-one would ever deal with anything and we would all be in a right mess and that I should have faith in this. And it is true - you should take strength from this.

I heard a quote that helped me - when you get burnt its your choice to become a pheonix or to turn to ashes.

I grew feathers and so can you.

I know the pain you feel, but it will and does get better.

[Worldturnedupsidedown]

Thanks, i do feel strong sometimes for a few minutes but then i just feel really weak and like I can't do it...

Oh he's threatened to take legal action if I don't put the house on the market by the end of the month!! Apparently has a top lawyer working for him free of charge...

I did manage to get myself out last nite for a friends party and low & behold I receive a text from him at 1am asking who was looking after his dog??? I sent a short sharp text back saying 'me when I get in'

Then I get another one at 2.30am saying that for someone who is feeling down, I sure get out alot!!! I did not reply...

What is his game????

[HolyGuacamole]

I don't know what you should do about the house right now except to get yourself some legal advice sharpish. Other MNers will have experience of this.

As for his texts. Ignore. Completely ignore. If you respond, you are almost egging him on. I know the way you are feeling just now, you want to work out what is going on in his head, you want answers/reasons. Forget it. He is playing games and it is unlikely you will get to the bottom of it without driving yourself nuts in the meantime.

Ignore him.

[HolyGuacamole]

And, I forgot to say.....well done on getting yourself out for the evening! That is what you need to be doing more of

[Worldturnedupsidedown]

Thanks...yes I was okay till I got the texts from him.....

[Size6Feet]

I am fuming on your behalf reading what he is doing to you. He is taking advantage of you being in shock and not thinking clearly.
......He's threatening action against you and getting free advice from a top lawyer!! There may be a tiny grain of something in there but I think its rubbish. Please, please go and just speak to a solicitor for the free half hour. Not to set anything in motion but just to hear truth from an honest person. It will make you feel better and a bit stronger when he tries it on again.

He cries in front of his dd, saying he cant afford to take her out... bet he manages to take OW out without a second thought. He's trying to manipulate you to get what HE wants at whatever cost to you and your dd. Shame on him. Sincere good wishes to you.

[HolyGuacamole]

Hey lady, I hope you are feeling bit better today?

[ilikeshoes]

Really feel for you, but i 100% assure you things will get better you will feel better and you will definately get over him , of course` it does not feel like it now because its all psychological, because you know he does not want you and you want to be wanted, if that makes sence, i've been there along with millions of other woman, and we all get over it and in the end feel better and stronger for it. The toughest times in our lives are what shape us and make us what we are, you can't see this now but you will one day look back on all this and realise how strong you were and that, you are better off without him, i promice.

[Worldturnedupsidedown]

Hi Ladies, it does make me feel better to think that others have got through this and come out the other side. I think it is the uncertainty of it all that gets to me and not knowing what more crap is around the corner.

Just the slightest thing seems to set me back eg. MIL's birthday party at the weekend and everyone invited except me...just turns the knife a little bit more and god it hurts!!!!!!!!!!! Like I am the one in the wrong.

[ilikeshoes]

Rise above it, use the time to do something nice for yourself, you dont need to be spending time with these people your better than that and them,
And you dont have to put up with crap, try and think positive, I've had 12 years of man crap and are no longer prepared to have anymore,It has taught me a good lesson, you cant change people if they lie and cheat its down to them not you, and you do not have to put up with it.

[Worldturnedupsidedown]

Had a text last night from him to say that he has introduced our DS to his "friend"!!!! What a fking asshole, i can't believe it. We have only been apart for just over 4 months and my poor DS (she is 11 so very aware what is going on)wants us to get back together so much (even though it would never happen now).She does'nt need this at the moment. I have tears regularly from her and do my best to keep her on a even keel..and now he goes and does this!!!

How could he..This is the final straw for me.....He is so selfish and has no idea how all this is affecting her.How do I handle it with my DS when I pick her up today? I don't want to even mention it!!He wants to take me to court over the house...well bring it fking on!!!!!!!!

Sorry, he has made me so mad now.

[NanaNina]

Oh god WTUdown - I feel for you SO much. I can only imagine how hurt and upset you must feel and angry too - all sorts of emotions that you probably can't yet sort out for yourself. It just does go to show how egocentric and insensitive your ex, is to say the least. Men and their bloody egos just never fail to amaze me. You say your daughter is 11. At that age she does in fact I think have a right for her wishes and feelings to be taken into account. Is there any she can be helped to tell her dad that she is not ready to meet the new "friend" - you will have to be careful though because dads who do stuff like these, then accuse the mother of influencing the child. Is there a near relative or friend of yours who can help her to do this. It may be of course that her loyalties are torn (as this is the case for most children in the situation)and she may not want to upset her dad.

You mentioned still loving your ex and I don't think this is unusual - I don't think it's love though to be honest. I think it is just more a feeling of wanting back what used to be and not being able to cope with the hurt that you are going through. I have been there many years ago and it does feel like the end of the world, the worse pain I ever felt I think. It's exactly like a bereavement (which is really about loss) and you will go through all the stages, denial, anger, hurt, sadness before you come to any kind of acceptance. You will probably take 2 steps forward and 1 step back and just when you think you are feeling a bit OK, it will come and hit you again. SO sorry but there is no short cut to this and you just have to believe that what you are feeling is perfectly normal and it WILL get better. You only have to look on here and so many women have been through it and come out the other end. I know it's difficult for you to believe that now, but it will happen -honest.

In the meantime be gentle with yourself, take one day at a time and try very hard not to waste your emotional energy on your ex. You need to take care of you and your daughter and you will both come through it.

Re the house and the legal stuff - you need to consult a solicitor asap.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Youmust get some legal advice. IT will help so much to know your rights and be able to say to your XP, look, fuck off with your bullshit. You left the house, you can wait for me to sell it. (Because it's your DD's home and the fact that your XP has left the family home makes it a lot harder for him to force a sale of it as the court will put DD's interests first, not XP's.
Honestly, keep any contact with him to an absolute minimum and preferably through a third party, and do your level best to be polite and indiferent to everything he does. Some men, for some reason, have this absolutely demented, vicious need to rub an XP's nose in the fact that they are not the XO's partner any more, and the only way to deal with it is to be Not Bothered as this drives them batshit.

[Worldturnedupsidedown]

Ladies, I have contacted a solicitor and he is going to help me....:-) Thanks for taking the time to talk to me on this thread, I really appreciate the advice.

H text'd me last nite to say he wanted to meet me and discuss things, i responded with saying that anything I say or do will be through my solicitor....well he bombarded me with text's to say that we should be adult about this situation!!!! WHAT THE f**K!!!!

[NanaNina]

SO glad you are going to get some legal advice. However I would be a bit careful about "everything going through a solicitor" with your ex - yes it prevents having to deal directly with him which is a positive but on the other hand it does make everything more protracted (and very expensive if you are having to pay).

it sounds like he is quite threatened by the fact that you are getting some legal advice and this is no bad thing of course. And HE has the cheek to talk about "being adult" - beggars belief doesn't it.

Is there any possibility that you can organise some family mediation which sometimes I think includes a legal expert. I just think this might be more helpful in the long run than confining all communication via a solicitor. It is always so much better to come to mutual agreement in these matters rather than fighting things out in court, which is costly, time consuming, and very protracted. Even if yu go down this route it doesn't preclude you going to court if your ex is not going to play fair, which is probably the case.

You must of course do what feels right for you. As for "being adult" maybe you could point out that communicating important things like telling you he is introducing your daughter to his "friend" by TEXT is hardly adult and is rather a cowardly way in reality.

Hope you are feeling a bit stronger.