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(47 Posts)
sunfleurs Tue 18-Aug-09 19:17:51

Ex and I been apart for a while now. He was monumentally unfaithful to me, emotionally and occasionally physically abusive, led us to total financial ruin and is an alcoholic and thats not even the half of it. Posted about him a fair few times before and got loads of great advice.

I have panic attacks (unsurprisingly!) and today he was nagging me about something utterly irrelevant during one of my panic attacks, stuff that had been left here and I didn't know where it was.

I told him I was feeling pretty exhausted from panic attacks and could he leave me alone, bearing in mind I had told him where to find item he required but didn't go and find it for him. He went off into a huge rant about how he had always been sympathetic to my panic attacks but I was selfish because he is an alcoholic and that is why he has behaved the way he has, yet NO allowances have been made for him and his problem. He now tells me he cannot afford his accommodation and is going to be living in a tent on a campsite.

It just never ends, we are split up but now I feel like utter crap because he is going to be living in a bloody tent.

Once again I feel beyond crap and so guilty about breaking up with him. He says he is different now and I am ruining everyones lives by making him live apart from us. I am an emotional shipwreck. AAAAARGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.........

HaggisNeepsnTatties Tue 18-Aug-09 19:19:46

Dont feel guilty. Its his problem - not yours!!

nje3006 Tue 18-Aug-09 19:22:29

Do you think he feels guilty about your panic attacks brought on from all the misery you went through living with him..? Not for a second I would imagine. Try to give him the same consideration he gives you - NONE.

sunfleurs Tue 18-Aug-09 19:22:44

Something else, when he confessed to all the times of being unfaithful (over fifty apparently) and told me all the details it was order to "clear the air and be able to move forward". Now he says he should never have told me anything because I "can't move on and insist on viewing everything negatively". It was also because we weren't having sex very often and he was too young to have got married. He is ready now, 8 years on and I should give us another chance for the sake of the dc.

I CAN'T I JUST BLOODY CAN'T! Should I be expected to really? I feel like I am going nuts here.

HolyGuacamole Tue 18-Aug-09 19:23:53

Oh fleurs sad I remember some of your previous stuff. You are not responsible for this mans unhappiness. He has brought it upon himself and has no right to blame anyone except for him. He is playing on your weak spot/s, he knows just how to get at you.

He is choosing to stay in a tent by the way. He could find somewhere to live if he really put his mind to it - with friends, with family, rent a room in a shared house, go to the homeless dept etc etc.

His life, his choices have brought him to where he is.

HaggisNeepsnTatties Tue 18-Aug-09 19:24:35

Tell him to fuck off! Cut all ties and have as little to do with him as possible. he is an addict and therefore selfish - he will try all the tricks in the book to transfer all his problems on to you! You are better off without him, and you know this. You have left and you need to move on. smile

DutchOma Tue 18-Aug-09 19:24:57

Very good place for him - in a tent. Bet he soon finds something else when it gets cold.
Don't for goodness' sake cave in, you'll only prolong the agony

HolyGuacamole Tue 18-Aug-09 19:25:24

Applauds Haggis!

BitOfFun Tue 18-Aug-09 19:26:27

Why are you even still talking to this man, m'dear? It sounds like you could do with just sticking to essential childcare stuff only and studiously ignoring all else.

MamazontheDailyMailtakingadump Tue 18-Aug-09 19:27:54

his behaviour is just more examples of his emotionally abusive, controlling behaviour.
he is telling you he is staying in a tent because he wants to guilt trip you.

stay strong.

he can love in the gutter if he wants, he's a grown man and HE is responsible for the path his life has taken.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 18-Aug-09 19:28:54

He's a complete knobber, lovey. Don't engage with him - don't let him in the house, don't have any contact with him except what's strictly necessary regarding finance/access to DC. He will either find another woman dumb and desperate enough to let him cocklodge (has he still got his looks, or has his alcoholism advanced to the not-washing, toothless, incontinent stage?). He is NOT your problem.

sunfleurs Tue 18-Aug-09 19:30:30

I try not to, I just keep getting sucked in, I wanted to try to keep things amicable <<naive emoticon>>. I go for weeks keeping him at arms lenth and then just one little comment, like the panic attack one today gets it all going again. The tent thing is just doing my head in. How bad will that look to my dc when they are older and his family will hate my guts? Please say more things like it being his choice and nothing to do with me. It really helps.

HaggisNeepsnTatties Tue 18-Aug-09 19:32:25

Fuck what anyone else thinks. He has put you through hell. So what if he has to live in a tent? Big deal. He is a tosser and you are better off without him. He has made his bed and now he must lie in it.

MamazontheDailyMailtakingadump Tue 18-Aug-09 19:34:40

your children will grow up noing that their dad was a feckless addict and that despite years of putting up with his abusive behaviour you realised that both your own and your childrens lives were better without him.

They will grow up realising what a total twunt he is and what an amazingly strong and resiliant person their mother is.

They will grow up knowing that you put their happyness first and he didn't. that he was a selfish toss pot who loved the drink more than you or them.

they will know your fabulous, stop worrying

StayFrostyDMisaVileRag Tue 18-Aug-09 19:37:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

abbierhodesHATESTHEDAILYMAIL Tue 18-Aug-09 19:39:29

If he was serious about wanting you back he would be grovelling and begging your forgiveness. All he wants is a crutch...don't be this for him! Be strong. Your children won't thank you if you go back to him and let them grow up in utter misery.
Let him live in his's not your problem.

MummyDragon Tue 18-Aug-09 19:47:26

Sunfleurs, I say the following from the bottom of my heart.

It was his choice to sleep with 50 other women while he was married to you. You did not force alcohol down his throat. And if he can afford campsite fees, he can afford to stay in a B&B, so stop feeling sorry for him, start thinking about yourself and no, you should not give him another chance for the sake of the DCs. I'm sure that, in years to come, they would not thank, respect or admire you for staying with an unfaithful, selfish, immature, abusive drunk "for their sake."

You have done the right think in leaving him. We all make choices; you have chosen to put your DCs first, well done, that's brave and strong and you should be proud of this. He (ex-H) has chosen - yes, chosen - to abuse his wife, to cheat on her repeatedly, to let alcohol be a temporary "fix" each and every day, to live in a tent, and to take absolutely no responsibility for any of his failings but to blame you instead, his innocent, blameless wife.

He's a twunt. You're well rid.

Was that the sort of post you were after? Coz it's all true. Stay strong.

sunfleurs Tue 18-Aug-09 19:51:46

Thank you. You know when you just so emotionally worn out that you can barely even hold your head up, well thats how I feel now. I think I have been feeling like that for the last 6 years. I also have a ds who worships the ground his father walks on and blames me for everything. How can you tell a 6 year old that his dad is a complete arse. He used to let ds down all the time when he was smaller but I always protected him from it and now ds is older dh doesn't let him down anymore because "he is old enough to realise now". I already feel that my relationship with ds is being eroded, I am the miserable old nag who made his dad leave sad. He told me he hated me once because I kept shouting at Daddy for going to work. What do I say "Actually darling, Daddy was not at work, he had been on one his 3 night benders, starting on the night of your birthday because you were in bed and wouldn't know any different, and guess what it was about the 30th time he had done it since you were born and you are only 4".

sunfleurs Tue 18-Aug-09 19:55:30

I do understand all that I really do but I don't feel blameless, deep down inside myself I blame myself for everything because I married him when he was only 23 and I should have known better, what else could I have expected? I feel like I made all the bad choices at the beginning and brought it all on myself and in turn the innocent heads of my dc. I was the selfish one, I should have known and now my kids have to deal with the consequences.

aRLcat Tue 18-Aug-09 20:21:00

You could not have known! Life isn't that simple, things go wrong, it's how you manage it when they do that is more indicative of your strength and character.

You are pulling through, you are raising children while experiencing a less than ideal relationship followed by a difficult seperation. While coping yourself, you are being a mum and moving yourself and your dc's towards a future you alll deserve.

He is doing nothing but sniffling into his astounding blanket of self pity, drinking himself into deeper depressions and a future that you should be happy and proud you are no longer a part of.

FWIW, there are no amount of pressures in this world or any single lifetime that make someone a spineless, abusive, philandering alcoholic.

Those behaviours are the responsibility of the individual alone, ....because life isn't that simple, things do go wrong and it's how you manage when they do that counts wink

HaggisNeepsnTatties Tue 18-Aug-09 20:21:42

Just because you make bad decisions early in life doesnt mean that you can't make good choices later in life. I too got married young - it didnt work out for various reasons - I left and started again. And I have never been happier. Of course, hindsight is a grea thing. But sometimes making bad decisions helps later in life. You get to the point where you know what you want and that you deserve it all!! Dont give up. Keep strong. Your dcs could never blame you from escaping an abusive relationship - and neither should anyone else. smile

boudoiricca Tue 18-Aug-09 20:22:19

Please stop this. Please stop beating yourself up over his problems,

"your fault for marrying him when he was 23"!!! You married each other. The decision he made to be with you was his. As were all the subsequent decisions he made that turned him into a terrible, dreadful husband (and person). And there was no way you could have known then that he'd turn out to be a alcoholic, unfaithful twat and a complete, total and utter waste of space. Or I'm sure you wouldn't have done it. But you've been strong enough to get yourself out of that situation and that is SO admirable in my book.

Right now, he is still abusing you essentially, as far as I am concerned, still trying to manipulate you for his own best interest. He is not different and the only person who has ruined his life is HIM.

The tent thing is LAUGHABLE. Honestly. One day you will laugh about it. It is entirely his own fault he is in this situation now and entirely his responsbility to get himself out of it. Which he will, if it ever actually comes to that, which I doubt, sounds like lying blackmail to me.

Disconnect. Cut the cord. Break free. Focus on yourself and the dc and making them and YOU as happy as you can.

Do what you must with him to do right by your dc in terms of contact. And nothing more. You've done SO well to get this far. DON'T let the weaselly little toad slime his way back to making your life miserable again. Please.

expatinscotland Tue 18-Aug-09 20:22:49

what haggis said.

what are you supposed to do, magic up accommodation for him?

he has to sort that out.

blinks Tue 18-Aug-09 20:32:46

women like you who actually have the balls to do the right thing are heroines to me.


i grew up with an alcoholic father and while your child may right now feel angry at you, if you had allowed this to go on, it would have been a VERY different story.

i can't tell you how much i wanted my mother to do what your doing. i used to lie awake at night terrified over what was going to happen next. there was fighting, alcohol, cheating, police, leaving and coming back every other week etc etc. it was absolutely awful and myself and my siblings all ended up experiencing different form of mental illness as a result (panic attacks were my particular forte!).

i don't see my mother anymore. her failure to protect means i don't trust her with my own children... don't let that be you.

alcoholics will do anything to make the problem someone else's fault. he knows your soft spots and will use your weaknesses against you.

get some support from Al-anon if you're really struggling and don't engage with him anymore.

NanaNina Wed 19-Aug-09 11:43:25

Sunfleurs - I agree with everything people are saying here and Boudiricca put is SO well. However my sense is that this advice is not somehow "reaching" you and this may of course be because you are so emotionally wrung out through all the hurt that you have endured. However I urge you to read and re-read the posts as they are all injecting reality into this situation, easy I know from the outside but I think you are so emotionally fragile just now that you really can't "see the wood for the trees"

Your ex's attempts to make you feel guilty are being very successful at present and this will mean that he will "up his game" and try even harder to make you feel guilty and the more emotionally fragile you are, the greater the risk of you falling for it. Therein lies the road to ruin and more and more hurt for you.

Is there any possibility that you can have some counselling to help you see things a little more clearly. Your ex is plugging into something in you of which you may not really understand- your belief that you are to blame. Thing is where did this come from - you need help I think to look back over your own childhood to understand the roots of this. Maybe you were unjustly criticised as a child and made to feel you were to blame for things. I don't know so won't sepculate any more but DO hope you can find the strength/support you need to keep this abusive man out of your life.

Re you son - he is as you say far too young to understand about his dad but this will not always be the case and in the meantime you must just ride it out. Never criticise his dad to the child or let him hear you argue. Believe me your son will one day dissover his dad's "feet of clay" but will benefit from having such a loving mon.

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