Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please help me

(19 Posts)
InTurmoil Tue 18-Aug-09 18:55:30

I have been with my DH for many years and we have children. We have been through a lot and I love him so much. I couldn't be without him and I couldn't leave my children, especially as my mother left me.

I have been having some problems for a few months and now have a chance to sort them out but it could make things worse.

I don't know whether to do nothing and carry on as I have been and hope things get easier all the while just wondering and just hope that things eventually go back to normal; or take a chance but there is a real chance it could actually make things worse though I will have to live with that as there won't be any physical or geographical reprocussions with that option.

I am losing myself in being a wife and mother but I am also wondering who this person is who has found it so easy to lie to her hubby about how she really feels about things.

He knows I hate living where we do now but I accept there is no option at the moment but he has no idea of the battles going on in my head.

I hardly slept last night, I know I won't tonight and I just want to cry.

Seeing my oldest friend soon so real mixed feelings there too - happy to be seeing her but sad that that time when we first knew each other has gone.

Unlikelyamazonian Tue 18-Aug-09 19:01:51

Since you are in turmoil and not sleeping, doing nothing is not an option is it lovely.

You are not clear enough in your post - ie how could making a change make things worse? Difficult to advise given little info. But perhaps you can explain a bit more and we can all put our heads together.,

Don't despair. You love your husband and you obviously love your children.That is great. But are you loving yourself enough?

Did your friend give you any advice?


mrsboogie Tue 18-Aug-09 19:02:14

what are you asking? more info needed - what's the thing you could do to sort out the problems? - can't advise without knowing more, sorry

InTurmoil Tue 18-Aug-09 19:12:45

No prizes for guessing it involves a man sad.

We are planning on meeting at a restaurant for a meal - 2 hours max and then I will be meeting my girl friend.

I have feelings for him but no idea what they are so I am hoping that seeing him will give us a proper time to talk and then we can say good bye as we never have and I need that finality.

I definitely do not love myself and I don't like myself either. What I am planning on doing would break my husband's heart but hand on my heart I really do think seeing him will help as I have tried not talking to him and it just means he is on my mind all the time.

mrsboogie Tue 18-Aug-09 19:21:27

so what is the chance you would be taking? to see this man or go away with him?

if you love your husband and want to be with him don't see this other man for closure or romantic goodbyes or anything else and don't do anything to jeopardise your marriage.

it sounds lie you see this other man as an escape from your problems - he isn't, not like this, not if it involves lying and deceit and risking your marriage. Stay at home and work out your problems or leave if you want to pursue other reltaitonships.

Sorry, harsh but true.

nje3006 Tue 18-Aug-09 19:25:04

This other person is not the answer. If you're looking to make your life easier, sort things out with H and decide what to do about that. You say you know it will break H's heart. Then don't do it. Sort things out one way or the other. Repeat, all your problems will be there whether you see this guy or not and you will add to them hugely by involving someone else.

JMO, others may disagree...

InTurmoil Tue 18-Aug-09 19:26:25

Absolutely NO plans or desires to run off with this man and no romantic plans at all.

He isn't an escape from my problems, he is one of my problems.

I don't want to leave, I love my hubby so much and know he is downstairs worrying about me, but can't understand why I feel I have to do this.

I really want to see him. I have missed him for so long and just want to talk. I will not be kissing him or having sex. That is a 100% definite.

mrsboogie Tue 18-Aug-09 19:35:32

If you must, write him a letter.

Do not go and see him. What can it achieve except trouble and further confusion?

thighsmadeofcheddar Tue 18-Aug-09 19:48:30

Agree, write the letter, post, move on.
You have a husband and family to focus on, it's not worth risking all of that for a night out with someone else to hash over whatever it is.

RealityIsDetoxing Tue 18-Aug-09 19:52:09

Message withdrawn

InTurmoil Tue 18-Aug-09 20:00:55

I am off to see my hubby and will decide in the morning


HolyGuacamole Tue 18-Aug-09 21:33:24

Agree with reality.

This is more than you admit it to be, even to yourself, and it sounds like you feel you have to do this. I 100% don't think you should, but I don't think anything or anyone is going to stop you.

Although I have to admit, I feel it will confuse you even more than you are already and also that it will have a detrimental effect on your marriage regardless of the outcome.

All I'll say is, don't do anything that jeopardises your marriage and I hope it somehow helps you to put this away in a box forever if you do decide to go.

Best wishes and good luck.

blinks Tue 18-Aug-09 21:43:14

you are being incredibly selfish.

get some counselling.

nje3006 Tue 18-Aug-09 21:49:48

If this man is one of your problems solve it by cancelling lunch. Really. Don't create drama in your life. Be grown up and act like the mother and married woman you are - take some responsibility for your actions. Sort your marriage out. If you and H come to an end get in touch with this other guy.

toomanystuffedbears Tue 18-Aug-09 23:37:44

So you are bored, you aren't the first. Good grief, get a hobby.

InTurmoil Wed 19-Aug-09 08:46:36

Thank you all for your comments.

I couldn't sleep last night and I am not going now. The gamble is too big.

Thank you all.

diddl Wed 19-Aug-09 08:51:32

Only just seen this and thank goodness you are not going!
If you still love your husband, what would have been the point?
And if your husbaand found out later?
Best left alone.
You have made the onlydecision,IMO.
And you still have the time with your friend to look forward to.

blinks Wed 19-Aug-09 19:55:11

good decision.

LobstersLass Thu 20-Aug-09 00:19:52

Yet another really selfish post from you. You need to sort your head out for you poor husband's sake. Get professional help.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: