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Marriage counselling

(7 Posts)
Basket Mon 17-Aug-09 20:54:12

Anyone got any experience of this, good or bad, as DH and I off to first session later this week, 6 mths after discovery of his affair and not sure what to expect and am nervous?

countingto10 Mon 17-Aug-09 21:03:50

So far it has been fairly positive for me - DH & I are still together 3 months after discovery of his affair. Still very early days for us but I think things are improving and we should make it hopefully.

It is probably a good time for you to go, I think we went too early (only one week after the discovery) and I was still in all sorts of shock and devastation. Our therapist did say that sometimes when couples go too soon it can be unhelpful.

Good luck,

lilacpink Mon 17-Aug-09 21:06:03

My DH had moved out for a few weeks last year, stress of being parents and having a new life to adjust to. We went to Relate and it got us talking. We're now having number DC2! I don't think it solves everything, but it's an impartial person to keep conversations going. They came up with ways to get us to express our feelings to each other, and to listen too (e.g. choosing rocks that relate to people in your family and why). I haven't been through your situation, but I wonder if this will help you come to terms with this to either forgive or leave him. While he should be 100% clear on why it happened and more importantly won't happen again! If you have clear objectives, e.g. understanding specific things that have been said/done perhaps write them down to remind yourself - you can go 'blank' in a new room, I did.
If you love and like each other deep down there can be a positive ending.

megmums Mon 17-Aug-09 21:16:56

My H confessed to an affair last week. He thinks i need counselling on my own, then we could go to relate. However i don't feel ready yet, i have so many emotions that i want to get out first.

I think after a few months though it could be beneficial.

Basket Mon 17-Aug-09 22:07:35

Typed long response but lost when PC crashed! Thanks for comments and advice, particularly to write stuff down. Also agree that if we had been sooner, I would still have been too emotional and bitter/angry - not that I don't still have lots of moments like that! Fingers crossed it goes well!

NanaNina Tue 18-Aug-09 00:35:10

Basket - the important thing about counselling is that you and your H feel comfortable with the counsellor and are able to "connect" with him/her. A good counsellor will expect that you use the first session to see if this is the case.

Counselling means taking risks and it is tiring and emotional and so it is really important that you feel safe with the counsellor and are able to express yourself honestly.

Don't forget it is your agenda not the counsellors and he/she is there to manage the therapeutic process. You are the customer so to speak so try not to feel in awe of the counsellor. Also remember that an experienced counsellor will have heard it all before and it is just their bread & butter.

the counsellor will want to know the details of what happened and how you have both been coping since and may ask what you expect to get out of counselling. if there is anything that you don't feel comfortable with, then say so. It gets easier as time goes on and if you are both motivated it can be very successful. A good counsellor won't blame either party for anything (this is counter productive) and will be fair to both of you.

If after 2/3 sessions you don't feel you are able to connect with this particular counsellor then don't be afraid to say so and find someone else in the way that you might change a hairdesser!

Good luck!

Basket Wed 19-Aug-09 22:24:35

NanaNina

Are you a counsellor?!!!
I think we both want counselling to work but maybe our hopes are too high. In an ideal world counsellor would wave a magic wand or turn back time. Obviously both impossible!! I don't know what I expect to get out of it, I suppose at least an impartial ear but whether that will help us move forward.....? Asked DH what he expects and he is even vaguer than me. Should we be going?

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