Well, it looks like my marriage is over, and I dont know how to feel. I've no-one really to talk to - cant talk to family, girlfriends would be biased. I dont know what to do.
Been married 5 yrs, and with H for another 3. We have a DD (4.5). I also have a DSD (14) from H previous marriage.
It all kicked off this weekend. It was my leaving 'do' from work (we are moving back to UK in 2 weeks). H was invited and I was geared up to get a babysitter, but he decided a week before not to go. He has done this a lot recently, not wanted to go out, stopped going to a weekly quiz night, stopped going to the pub on Fridays. Nothing at my instigation.
Well I was late, and I was drunk. I admit that and I apologised. I had said I would be on the last transport - so home by midnight, but didnt get home till 1am.
He has accused me of having an affair. He says I dont know when to stop drinking and that I cant control myself when I am drunk.
Yep, I can (and do) go over the top, but not often, hardly ever (prob why I go over the top when I do). He drinks every night and is usually slurring his words by 8 and in bed by 9 - even if we have guests.
I have never ever cheated on him and wouldn't. He says I have. Cited 3 incidents where he says I was doing 'the closest thing to cheating' and that I had reached '3 strikes and youre out'
First one was in 2001. He was overseas, I was working away from home. We had been 'a couple' for 2 months, but only in the same country for a couple of weeks. I was pissed off (and pissed up) on my birthday and had a 'birthday kiss' from his mate - I told H the next time we talked, I didnt see it as a biggie, he certainly didnt say anything at the time. He now says I snogged him. I probably did say that when I told him, but that really is a word I use - I dont mean that I was sticking my tongue down his throat - and I wasnt, but H says that was enough. TBH I didnt even remember this 'incident' until H mentioned it tonight - thats how much it meant to me.
Second incident was a few weeks ago. We were having a BBQ party - lots of mates round, lots of booze. Male friend (of both of us, wife is my BF) made some suggestive joke when I got squirty cream out of fridge. I sprayed it on him and licked it off his nipple . Wife was peeing herself, so was everyone else. I accept now that was prob very unacceptable behaviour. H is now saying that I looked at friend 'sexually' and that friend said 'oh I'm going hard now' I certainly dont remember that and didnt hear any comments. Again, nothing was said at the time and I didn't even think about it after. This couple used to be really good friends - but in the last few months H has been saying he doesnt want to keep in touch with them - I am gutted, she is my BF.
3rd incident is laughable, but not it seems to him. On Sat I was 'punished' all day. he went out to 'be on his own' four a few hours, when he came back he sat in garden on own for almost 2 hrs because a friend had come round to say goodbye. We had a steaming row at the end of the day which culminated in him saying he would help me and DD move back, but then he was leaving.
He's done this before so in the end I didn't defend myself, but agreed it was best option. He asked for an amount of cash as a 'pay off' and I agreed. He then turned it all around and said 'You planned this - you are going to make me out to be the bad one when its all you'. Kicked off a few more times then went to bed.
Any way on Sun he 'made up' with me, asked if we could forget the last night. Later that afternoon we had sex (he gets very sulky when we dont, we average once a week but recently have had lots of visitors / DD sleeping with us) It had been just over a week. Prior to sex I had a call on my mobile. It was a wrong number, he says he answered it and bloke said sorry mate, wrong number.
Later Sun evening after he had been drinking he suddenly blew up again and accused me of having an affair. We had been fine all afternoon. Says I had given my number out to bloke on phone. I hadn't, it really was a wrong number - bloody rotten coincidence. I really shouted at him this time (and in front of DD - I am ashamed of myself) and I think he knows he went too far. I took DD and went to bed early. He drank some more then went to bed himself.
Tonight he now says that bloke said my name first. I cannot see how that it true. I even phoned bloke back in front of H but he still doesnt believe me.
I just dont know what to think. Am I so bad? What on earth can I do to put this right, when I'm not sure what I've dont wrong. He is constantly sniping at me now and made some comment tonight about how his 'terms had changed'. But he never says what he means. I have been stewing over this all day, and wanted to talk to him tonight but he went to bed before DD, and I cant talk to him in front of her (last night as I was walking up the stairs with her she said 'you and daddy have been shouting, you should say sorry' and I snapped 'Daddy never says sorry'. I know I shouldnt have, but he really doesnt - I dont think I have ever heard that word. Well tonight she said to him, out of the blue 'why dont you ever say sorry daddy' and it started him off again')
There have been loads of things wrong with our marriage, but I cannot believe it is all over. I'm about to move countries, leave friends, new home, DD starting school 2 days after we get to UK, new job in 4 weeks and now I've got to factor in childcare / single parentism / weekend access and everything.
I feel like I'm going mad. Christ what do I do?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Marriage Over - is it my fault ?- what can I do?
LtEveDallas · 17/08/2009 20:24
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.