I had a crap father. Okay, there are far worse dads around, but mine was controlling, erratic, and self-absorbed. He demanded absolute obedience no matter what. He rarely engaged with us, we really were meant to be seen and not heard. He was a bully. There was no room for us to be ourselves; he effectively crushed our individuality, which had lasting ramifications - not least for my poor older bro, who is still suffering today.
A friend of mine has a 3 yo DD; they've just spent the weekend with us. Both DH and I agree that DF (friend) was far too harsh with her - he also demanded absolute obedience (following on from a convo several months back about the same issue, where I told him that this approach would lead to more and more conflict - so he already knows some of my thoughts on the matter). He is not entirely like my dad, he is also great fun and plays silly games, making her giggle non-stop. He also cares greatly about the detail - making sure he provides everything she needs, and berating himself when he forgets little things.
However, I noticed that he would make one demand after another in quick succession, punctuating his words with 'Don't make me angry' and 'Don't piss me off' (a classically controlling and manipulative communication style IMO and IME). Eventually the poor girl was clearly confused about 'which Daddy' to expect - the fun Daddy or the heavy-handed Daddy (well, that's my interpretation) and would cry - but not bursting into loud, uncontrolled tears as you'd normally see in a toddler. She would try really hard to control her tears - IMO a classic indication that she's not been reassured that her feelings are acceptable. When she cried he physically separated himself from her, and in fact my DH and I both independently went to her aid, astonished that our friend could be so callous with a 3 yo.
My DF is probably the most inflexible, stubborn-headed person I know, and sometimes I wonder why we're still friends! But we do care about each other a great deal and despite our massive differences the friendship just sort of works.
So. Do I leave things as they are, knowing that there's the possibility that their relationship will deteriorate, as did mine with my own father...knowing that in 20 years time she may possibly also hate my DF as much as I hated my own father? Or do I tell him my concerns, citing my own experience, and risk losing our friendship altogether? On the one hand I would find it very hard to witness this heavy-handedness on an ongoing basis, but on the other hand I know with almost total certainty that if I am honest with him he take it as an insult, ignore my words, and cut off contact. As my father would have done.
In some ways although it would hurt very deeply to end the friendship, I might be able to look on it in the long term as a worthwhile sacrifice if as a result of doing so he changed his behaviour towards his DD. If. That's a huge 'if' and right now I can't see it happening.
I also think that if I keep schtum perhaps in future I can be there for her in some useful way.
Then I ask myself whether I should mention my concerns to his partner, who is far more reasonable than he is.
By the way, for anyone who's thinking: 'father issues' on my part, don't worry - that stuff is well and truly sorted and I am so thankful that I dealt with all that stuff and fully forgave him before he died.
I'd really, really value your thoughts on this.
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Relationships
My friend is making the same mistakes with his daughter that my father made with me...should I tell him?
19 replies
MrsMerryHenry · 17/08/2009 15:26
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