Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DH never wants to cuddle, have sex, I think he finds me repulsive :-(

(27 Posts)
sexisoneofthefoundation Mon 17-Aug-09 11:50:34

Hi, first I'm sorry, I know a lot of people are having relationships problems worst than mine..DH and I are getting along fine, we have 2 DS 5 and 2 who keep us very busy plus I have my own business from home and looking after the ds..Dh is a fantastic dad, looks after the ds, play with them, he is really involved in their lives...We have been together for 7 years, my libido was always higher than his, nevermind..

For the last year, we didnt have a lot of sex, he ame up with all the excuses possible, migraine, sorry I feel anxious and weird, too tired, cant come to bed now I would like to catch up on something etc..yesterday he came back after dropping the ds at my pil, I have left him chilling out, reading his news papers, trying to talk to him, chat etc, was not even listening, anyway, I have cooked him a nice meal, we watched a bit of telly..Then we went to bed, I have starting well giving a handjob blush and he seemed enjoying it...then afterwards I was feeling something was not right so I have asked him, if he was ok, said to him do you want to carry on ? he said yes, then he was on the top of me and I could feel his heart was not at it, he then stopped and said sorry dont feel like it...he always does it...So I ended up crying feeling humiliated once again and sleeping in the spare room..I'm feeling disgusting..repulsive.

NicknameTaken Mon 17-Aug-09 11:57:00

It's almost certainly about him, not you. Perhaps he might have a problem with keeping his erection and be too embarrassed to say?

Please don't let it make you feel repulsive.

sexisoneofthefoundation Mon 17-Aug-09 12:01:17

I'm not happy. Life is hard enough, little things like this could make the difference.

NicknameTaken Mon 17-Aug-09 12:08:54

Have you told him this?

Relate might be able to help.

sexisoneofthefoundation Mon 17-Aug-09 12:34:24

yes I have told him. I have suggested relate, instead we went to Barcelona to try to patch things up..we had sex once and that's it, no really affection...all he cared was to be up on time to have the free breakfast...I have spent the last 3 weeks mainly alone as he took the dss in holidays, all I got yesterday was a piece of wood seating nrxt to me sad

LittleOtik Mon 17-Aug-09 12:45:39

Poor you. Agree with NicknameTaken though, this will probably be about him rather than how he feels about you. Might he be stressed at work or similar?

sexisoneofthefoundation Mon 17-Aug-09 12:51:30

He has always been like this and admitted he was not into sex because tired, young family, too late work early tomorrow..I have stopped initiated it apart from yesterday and nothing...The job I do, I do it for the family, plus copping with hgousekeeping, our own childcare..etc. it's plainly boring...Just spoke to him on the phone and told him that we couldnt carry on like this, I'm only 30 and I want more out of life..his answer is, we dont have enought money, excuse me I'm not asking for a monthly trip to New York, I'm asking for efforts, for lovemaking, cuddles, chats...He maybe only stays with me just for the ds..

NicknameTaken Mon 17-Aug-09 13:00:02

That's pretty sad. If he's pretty clear that this is all you can offer, you just have to decide whether it's enough.

would he be open to you having a bit on the side? would you?

sexisoneofthefoundation Mon 17-Aug-09 13:09:50

No I wouldn't, I couldnt do that to my ds...I'm really sad..No its not enought..He is going to come back tonight, saying how much he wants to have sex hoping everything will be sorted, but it wont. Its obvious he doesnt love me, he just want a quiet life and waiting..waitinf for what I dont know...
I'm having a little weight problem since last year, but even when I was slim, he was like this..even when I was fit..Its awful when you are with someone who doesnt want you physiquely (sp?) makes me feel dirty when I used to suggest we have sex..sometimes he put on with it so I leave him in peace..who doesnt cuddle you..who never have time for you..

Milliemuffin Mon 17-Aug-09 14:34:30

I'm not sure this'll help but you've said what my other half has said to me in the past, that i'm not affectionate, don't want sex etc. I love him to bits but since having DS 2yrs ago I find it very hard to get in the mood and sometimes I feel that if I even kiss or cuddle him he'll take is a hint for something more so for me its easier not to. I know this is wrong but thats just how it is for me. I'm sure he loves you. To be honest I know it's a bit of a mind game but I'm more affectionate with DP if he's less affectionate with me, the more 'needy' he is the less i'm interested so maybe you need a night out with the girls or just show him the happy side of you and i'm sure he'll come running xx

Malificence Mon 17-Aug-09 16:21:45

Erectile dysfunction is uncommon in healthy men under 40 , you don't mention his age or health so it's hard to judge.
Low sex drive in younger men can sometimes be due to low testosterone, he could have a blood test for this.
You don't mention if he's on any kind of meds, certain drugs can kill libido, anti depressants and the like are notoriously bad for this.
An honest talk is the only way forward, it's not fair or healthy to live this way, for either of you. You need to ask him outright what his problem is - if you don't try and sort it you'll end up really angry, bitter and resentful, what woman wouldn't feel like crap if they were offering themselves up like that and it was rejected?
It won't get better by itself, only direct action has a chance of sorting things out.
Did you ever have great sex together?
Fantastic sex makes a good relationship even better, lack of sex ( excluding health issues) is normally an indicator of deep rooted problems.

sexisoneofthefoundation Mon 17-Aug-09 17:12:50

Millie - I have a good social life, have girly night often..I dont think I'm needy but I have a huge amount of pressure on me at the moment, didnt go on holiday so could earn money, had barely had food in the house so they could have more spending money for the holidays..I'm not asking for cuddles or sex anymore, as I'm always rejected by a large list of excuses...

Mali - He is not on any drugs, could be low testoterone as he is a really sensitive man, always crying on sad movie, cute stuff that the ds have done etc...

I'm bitter, angry and resentful, when we have sex (and he is not forcing himself), the sex is great

princessdaisyboo Tue 18-Aug-09 14:02:39

hi just thought id let you know you are not on your own and im in a similar situation apart from my dp will have sex but its always if i start it and he very rarely touches me, i do everything, but sex is very good but im always left thinking, did he really want to do that, just wish he would instigate it and be all over me for a chage but its just not going to happen, it does meke me needy and im very insecure, he is very unaffectionate and never says anything nice to me, when i get ready to go out and make a real effort he never pays me a compliment or says i look nice, instead he makes little insulting remarks, compares me to the dog, makes jokes about my weight (im only a stone overweight and have a 9 month old baby)
i try to talk to him about it but we are getting no where, always ends with me in tears and he gets really angry and a bit violent sometimes, ive tried relate on my own as he would not come, he thinks im crackers, but i didnt like it or the person counselling me she kept looking at the clock behind me.
i dont think he can give me the love and affection i need, he sees it as a sign of weakness but i love him so much, i left my husband 2.5 years ago to be with him, and we have a ds and i have a 4 year old dd from my marriage. I dont want to go through that again and put my children through it but im sad and unhappy too, im only 30 i just want some attention and it scares me that i will go out and look for it elsewhere but i dont want it of anyone else just him.
so i feel for you i dont know what we could do xxx

YummyorSlummy Tue 18-Aug-09 19:41:41

Hey, I've been going through the same things with my dh since quite early on in our relationship. He hardly ever instigates sex and I'm always left feeling disgusting and repulsive, he always says he's too tired :-(
I'm not overweight or any worse looking than him so I dont know what the problem is, seeing as all of his mates joke that he's punching above his weight with me. Maybe men are so used to looking at perfect images of women in magazines etc thats what they expect us to look like. It feels awful.

sparkybabe Wed 19-Aug-09 17:47:46

Princessdaisyboo - That is so awful! What on earth do you 'love so much' about someone who tells you you look like the dog and never touches you?

sexisoneofthefoundation Wed 19-Aug-09 18:19:20

Princessdaisyboo - I'm really sad on your behalf, and I'm sorry to say but your dh behaved like an arsehole towards you..and I'm sure you do not deserve that ! You have a baby 9 month ago and you are only 1 stone overweight !! I was worst than you and still didnt shift it but that's my fault. Do you have the possibility to go out with girlfriends ? I have done that yesterday evening and after a couple of drinks, I got to tell them how I felt about all the things I have told on my post..They are all older than me and have been trought what I'm going trough..They told me that our children are still very young and very demanding but once they are a bit more independant, it will get better (I want to believe it)..I also had a serious chat with dh (me mainly talking but I think he listened)..I told him you know life is hard enough as it is and we need to make an effort to maintain our bond otherwise there is no poit of being together if it's only for the children.
In your case, dh was mean and I cant understand why he is behaving like an arsehole, you have left a marriage for him, you gave him a gorgeous dc, he owns you respect...Try to do some nice things for yourself and carry on with some sort of conselling.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

LynetteScavo Wed 19-Aug-09 18:22:29

I think he's shit scared of getting you pregnant again.

sexisoneofthefoundation Wed 19-Aug-09 18:24:41

Hi Lynette, to whom are you saying that ?

LynetteScavo Wed 19-Aug-09 18:39:35

To you.

Sorry if I sound harsh, I'm in a bad mood.

That's my take on it, do you think it may be the case?

sexisoneofthefoundation Wed 19-Aug-09 18:42:58

well it was an issue before as I couldn t decide what kind of contraception to use but its not the case anymore !! Chillax Lynette, the weather is great, have a glass of wine !x

LynetteScavo Wed 19-Aug-09 18:48:22

I've had two galsses....maybe it's because I was woken up in the night to be shagged. angry

Soryy, not helpfull . blush

GrannyAching Wed 19-Aug-09 19:52:24

Ladies, I have a similar scenario, been going on for 10+ years now. We've been up it, down it, around it, and although there have been occasional flurries of effort and interest, always after I've put on the pressure about 'this has to change or else...', it doesn't last.

It's taken me until very recently to accept that DH is a gentle-man, he's kind, considerate and caring, just not very driven by sex. It's not that he has a problem, nor that he has a problem with me (both of which alternatives are what I chose to believe for a long time and tried to "fix") he's just not that bothered.

Having finally come to a place where I do understand and accept this, I'm not quite sure what to do about it. We're great mates and our relationship works well and I'm currently contemplating the prospect of a sexless future. No great insights really, just an alternative perspective.

sexisoneofthefoundation Wed 19-Aug-09 20:07:22

Lynette - good one, what a gentleman your dh is ?smile

Grannyaching - you cant have a sexless future, your dh seems to be a lovely man as you, but sex is important too, not the most important thing but it's part of a healthy relationship..DH is not driven either but I'm not losing hope cause at the end of the day, we do love each other.

GrannyAching Wed 19-Aug-09 20:29:32

Hey Sexis..., until recently, I would probably have agreed with you that I couldn't have a sexless future, and that sex is a vital component in a loving relationship. However, since taking the pressure off DH in this area he is certainly more relaxed, and I know that if I raise it there'll be a look of panic and pain in his eyes that I really do not want to be responsible for. BTW we've tried counselling, both individually and together, and various 'therapies', all to no effect. I also have no doubts at all about his fidelity and loyalty.

So, as I said, I'm currently wondering whether that's it, and whether sex is really that important after all.

Malificence Wed 19-Aug-09 20:29:34

It seems so sadly ironic that there are thousands of men who would love a healthy sex life but illness and erectile dysfunction make things difficult.
I couldn't bear to think of a sexless future at the age of 43, sex is far better now than ever as we actually have TIME for each other, fabulous sex enhances our 25 year marriage and creates a spiritual and physical bond between us.
I find it hard to believe that an otherwise healthy man or woman would have so little interest in sex with the person they love - I adore my husband and his kisses can still make my knees buckle, we make love almost every day, in fact it's been tough going without for a few days because he's recently had a vasectomy so I can finally have my coil removed after a lot of problems, the fact that he's done that for ME makes me love him and want him all the more!
For a man to suddenly "go off" sex whilst in the middle of it seems more than a little worrying.
Great sex doesn't just "happen" you do have to put an effort into it.
To the ladies whose men don't seem interested - what would they do if you were stood in front of them in basque & stockings, very few men wouldn't be aroused by that.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now