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Relationships

DH is treating me like an Au Pair - long!

72 replies

GoldenSnitch · 17/08/2009 09:17

DH and I have been married for 4 years. We have a 2 and a half year old DS and I am 21 weeks pregnant with our DD.

He has a good job, I am a SAHM, we have a nice house, 2 cars and 2 rabbits.

It's all perfect - except DH treats me like a glorified housekeeper come nanny.

We've joked for years about the fact that he never tells me about nights out etc to the point where his mates now text me to tell me about nights out I'm invited to cause they know he won't tell me. I've always put it down to him being forgetful.

But recently there have been 3 things that have really gotten to me...

The first was a the weekend before last when he went to Berlin for 4 days. The trip didn't bother me, he goes every year but this year I invited my Mum to stay with us while he was away cause I've had low blood pressure and felt I needed some help with DS as I've been getting really tired and headachey and dizzy. I've also got a low lying placenta and have been told to take things easy. DH did text but only in response to texts I sent him asking how he was doing. Luckily, I was busy with Mum and DH so I didn't have time to get upset. He said he was bringing presents home - and turned up with 2 glasses he'd got free with McDonalds meals!!

Then, last Friday was our 4th wedding anniversary. I'm fed up of being the one to organise anything romantic we do so I told him I was leaving it up to him this time. On the day, I e-mailed him at work to ask if I should cook as "there is no point me cooking this chicken if you're whisking me off for a romantic meal". He replied with "cook it" so I did. We had our meal then he gave me my present - a paperback of a book called "Devil Bones" (crime) with the 3 for 2 sticker still stuck to the front! Then his Mum turned up with flowers and a new vase - just in case all of my vases were already full - Ha!

We had a massive row that night and i told him how I felt. He started off not getting it and saying that it was only an anniversary and not a special day! but eventually he (tearfully) said he realised he'd been lazy and he really did love us. It wasn't about the presents but the total lack of thought or romance. He knows it's important to me.

Things have been a bit strained since. I've told him I would like to do something to make up for our anniversary and he said we would do that. I'm still quite raw though and will admit to putting up a bit of a brick wall. He's been very kissy and cuddly but as I'm not feeling the same.

Then this morning, one of his mates messaged me on Facebook to ask if DH and I were going to another friends anniversary party. DH hadn't even told me about it! I mailed him at work and he said he was going to go with his mate and wasn't bothered about taking DS. No mention of me at all. When I asked, he said didn't think I'd fancy a long car drive to see people I hardly know. I replied and said that I was an adult and could make those decisions myself if given the information! His mate is taking his son and said he was only doing so because it was a family party with lots of kids there - my DH is acting like he doesn't even have a family!

So I'm in tears again cause once again it feels like I'm only good for staying home and looking after his son while he lives his life like a single man. He may not be out every night but when he is home he does very little but make mess and play on his PC. He does play with his son but even that seems to be more and more begrudged.

He's a great father and provider and I love him very much and appreciate he works hard for long hours but I really feel like a glorified Au Pair. There's just no romance anymore. He doesn't even seem to want to kiss me unless he fancies sex!

So what do I do? Right now, I'm considering running off to my Mum's (a 3 hour drive away) just to shock him but that wouldn't help us talk and I'm guesing that's what we need. I'm just feeling so used and angry

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ssd · 17/08/2009 09:33

jesus, you said its all perfect in the beginning, but you know its not

you need to speak to him and expain how you feel. if he refuses to listen to your concerns I'd be thinking a bit more seriously about the future you have together

don't fall for all this "he has a good job and is a good provider", money doesn't count when he's treATING you like shit

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HolyGuacamole · 17/08/2009 09:44

You're right OP, he is treating you like a live in housekeeper and bearer of children

He sounds like he is probably a bit too comfortable with his life and is taking you for granted. I do think he needs a shock but I don't know what you should do for the best. Sounds like talking to him, so far, hasn't really worked. Maybe when you talk to him he just thinks "oh, let her have her moan, she'll be alright in a few days" and nothing changes. He needs to realise that you are serious.

Maybe he has a good job, but your job as a SAHM is equal to what ever he does, you are both enabling each other to have the life you have - it's not just because of him and his hard work/good job. Presumably if you worked, he'd have to get his finger out in the house a lot more, he is very lucky to have you.

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Kally · 17/08/2009 09:45

I have this picture of you in my head as some tired, sad, low blood pressured girl, with a painful belly, but still cleaning and cooking and trying to smile sweetly at your pony of a husband. I just get this picture BAM!

He needs a good telling off and a kick up the butt for his inconsiderate behaviour. mugs from McDonalds! he's got a good job FFS... 3 for 1 book! That'll keep you occupied while he's out glavanting and drinking German Beer. Lighten up Luv. Straighten your back, breath deep, get in the car and drive down to Mums with a BIG stayover bag of stuff.

Sorry, it just infuriated me.

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GoldenSnitch · 17/08/2009 09:50

I suppose I meant perfect from the outside.

I know it's not perfect from the inside.

I can't do it alone though - I need to fix this

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thatsnotmybelly · 17/08/2009 10:03

I feel so sad for you reading that. Where is your self respect? Self worth? How have you let a situation develop where you think his behaviour towards you is acceptable?

If you love each other and want each other to be happy, the only way forward is really good communication. If you don't feel you have the skills to communicate how you feel, what you want to change, and what you plan to do if things don't change, and listen to his version of the relationship and how he sees your future together, then you need outside help to get things back on track.

I hope you make the changes and work things out.

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GoldenSnitch · 17/08/2009 10:08

I'm thinking now, I might tell him to go to his Mum's.

My Mum is away this week so there would only be my sister in the house and it would be easier for us here as everything we need is here.

His Mum might actually be good for him too. If he's here alone, he'll just play on the PC till I come back. If he's there, she might talk some sense into him.

She came over with the flowers on our anniversary and was making pointed hints at him to do something for our anniversary - like the comment about the vases - assuming all mine would already be full. She even offered to take our DS to her house to babysit (she already had 3 other GC's staying over) so we could go out. He just ignored her.

She and her daughters all expect meals and flowers on anniversaries so they think it's strange that he doesn't do it.

As I said to him - I know it sounds materialistic but there is a reason that flowers and chocolates and meals are so popular at Valentines, it's because they make most women feel special.

There are lots of other ways but if he's struggling, then these would be better than nothing.

I know anniversaries aren't important to him but they are important to me and I should be importent enough to him to make him want to make an effort.

It was after this that he broke down and promised to make more of an effort. He was being more affectionate at the weekend - I was just still too upset to respond much.

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OhBling · 17/08/2009 10:10

I feel very for you. You have both got into very bad patterns and so on top of figuring out whether there are underlying issues, you're going to have to work really hard to change this behaviour.

You've been together 4 years and have allowed him to exclude you - blaming "forgetfullness". Unfortunately, this means he sees this as perfectly okay and he is going to resist changing - he'scomfortable with the status quo which has worked for him all along and, from his perspective, used to work for you too.

I think yuo have to have some serious conversations with DH. He absolutely has to understand what you're feeling and why and as a couple you have to agree what you are both going to do in order to change things. eg he has to start including you in social plans, you have to accept that he's not the "chatty" type who wll have send you lots of texts to say hi when he's away.

If necessary, go to your Mum's. But I'd start by attempting to talk to him. if he won't listen, go to your Mum's and tel him you can't live like this and he has to work with you to change things.

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GoldenSnitch · 17/08/2009 10:12

If I get angry when we talk, he just shuts down and it's like talking to a brick wall - and his version of angry is my annoyed. I've tried keeping calm but if I am upset than that's hard.

I've been considering something like relate to help.

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GoldenSnitch · 17/08/2009 10:20

I suppose it's never really seemed like a big deal that he forgets to tell me if he's out. Usually, it's beers with his mates and he's only just decided to go that afternoon. We've generally got nothing on that has to be changed for him to go out so it just means I'm in on my own rather than with him.

I do mention it and I've gotten angry with him for bigger things before. This one has just come at the wrong time, right after our non-anniversary!

I do accept he's not going to be texting me endlessly while he's away. Especially when he's away with a bunch of lads, most of whom are single - but again, it got compounded by the shitty "presents" and anniversary a few days later.

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warthog · 17/08/2009 10:21

i think he needs a serious wakeup call. he's acting like he has no responsibilities. 'He does play with his son but even that seems to be more and more begrudged.' does NOT sound like a great father to me.

I think counseling is might help, but an ultimatum would be good too, as long as you follow through on whatever consequences you decide.

doesn't sound to me like he treats his mother very nicely either. fancy ignoring someone who offers to take your child for a few hours so you can go out!

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msrisotto · 17/08/2009 10:28

If you have difficulties communicating when emotions run high (who doesn't) then maybe it is a good idea to send him to his mums for a bit with a letter explaining the problems so it's clear and concise as possible, he knows the issue and can think about how to fix it.

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GoldenSnitch · 17/08/2009 10:36

He spends hours playing Lego and cars with DS which he loves but at the weekend, he was getting quite grumpy with him when he was misbehaving - but then I'm over-sensitive about stuff like that cause I was an abused child. I really do think he's a good Dad, our toddler is just a bit full on sometimes - like they all are. He's stopped napping so there is no "time out" during the day anymore and cause DH hasn't been around for more than evenings for a couple of weeks due to his weekend away, he's still getting used to it.

He's very close to his Mum and talks to her a few times a week but he is lazy with that relationship too so she has to ring him and if I didn't organise it, she wouldn't get anniversary cards either. I left it to him last year and he didn't get her anything so she ignored our anniversary too. He does do birthday presents btw. She mentioned babysitting twice while she was here. I didn't say anything cause she was addressing him but he just changed the subject. She seemed a bit confused but didn't mind, that's just the way he is.

I suppose I did the ultimatum on our anniversary - I told him that I had spent enough of my life not being appreciated and he needed to change else I would find someone who did appreciate me. I even mentioned his best mate who has recently been left by his wife. He's been saying that the next Mrs X will get spoiled rotten and I asked him of he was willing to wait for the next wife to start making an effort!

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slug · 17/08/2009 10:45

I would be furious if I were you. I would also be tempted to 'forget' some of the things I routinely did for him, like cooking ("Oh, I assumend you would be out") Doing the washing ("Did you want some ironed shirts? I just assumed you would do them yourself") Or replying to any invitations for him ("I just assumed you didn't want to go") Give him a taste of what he does to you. [evil emoticon]

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GoldenSnitch · 17/08/2009 10:51

I refuse to iron his shirts anyway - crappy job - and as it's the only thing he does bar a half hearted attempt at taking the bins out (I had to do the green bin this morning and empty the upstairs bins) I feel justified.

I used to be proud cause all his mates had to ask thier wives "permission" before they went out and I was never that overbearing but now I think they might have had a point.

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CyradisTheDMSlayer · 17/08/2009 11:00

This reply has been deleted

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ErikaMaye · 17/08/2009 11:02

Oh GS When we were talking away on _Chat the other night, I didn't realise how hurt you were by all this, I'm so sorry. x

It sounds exactly like you've said - that he wants to continue living like a singleton. He's taking complete advantage of you, neglecting your feelings, and just being generally rude.

I think you should send him off to his Mum's for a few days - sounds like you get on with her pretty well, and she's picked up on how he's acting. Maybe you should call her and have a big long chat (get some tissues handy!) and see what she suggests.

Feel so angry and upset for you.

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poshsinglemum · 17/08/2009 11:06

I would be fuming. He deserves grey socks for all subsequent birthdays, Valentines and Christmasses!
I would go to relate if I were you but then that is my standard relationship advice as I am not good at them.

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GypsyMoth · 17/08/2009 11:09

i know this isnt helpful,but i dont think you can change all this!
this is him,its how he is,you married him. thats it.

you need to learn how to live your own life and force him to meet you in the middle. will be a shock to him cos you have allowed this behaviour to happen for so long.

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allaboutme · 17/08/2009 11:20

I definitely agree that something more 'shocking' than having another talk with him is in order here.
Sending him to his Mums with a letter clearly stating how you feel and how you want things to be will really shock him into realising how important this is and hopefully have more impact than just talking with him.
My DH has been similar in the past. It all came to a head for us when he told me one of his good fiends who lives overseas was getting married and that he'd really really like to go. I said fine, I even helped him make plans at a big inconvenience to me as it was the wee before our family holiday and would have meant that I would have to pack on my own and get to the airport in the middle of the night on my own with a toddler and small baby.
All fine until the official invitation arrived in the post and was addressed to all four of us.
I was the most upset and angry I have EVER been with DH. He was really really shocked at just how mad I was that he hadnt told me we were all invited and had implied it was just him invited.
He basically had thought that it would be too much hard work to take the DCs and so had 'assumed' I would agree that it wouldnt be worth the expense and stress of taking them. Whereas I saw it that it was worth the expense for him to go alone and that he just couldnt be bothered with the stress of the DCs coming along too, so he just thought he'd leave me with twice the stress and work at home while he jetted off to have fun.
I insisted we all went (even though if I had of known everything from the beginning I'm not sure I would have wanted that iyswim) and I honestly think DH was worried I would leave him I was so upset. He paid quite a bit extra for us all to go in the end and has actually been a lot more inclusive since then. That was about a year ago now.
My DH is a wonderful man and I love him to bits but he can be thoughtless, completely unintenionally if allowed to get away with it.
It took something big o shock him into being a bit more thoughtful really.
Hopefully your DH will be the same.
Good luc x

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GoldenSnitch · 17/08/2009 11:20

MIL is OK. I wouldn't say we get on well but we're OK. She's the kind of woman who responds to me answering our house phone by immediately asking for DH - not a long chat with me kind of woman.

She adores DH but would not stand for this in her own relationship and expects him to behave how she would want FIL to behave (they are both terrible at this sort of stuff but she has FIL trained)

I'm hoping she would talk some sense into him but it might all backfire on me.

I wasn't so upset the other night ErikaMaye but now the party thing has happened too it's just all gotten too much!

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serendippity · 17/08/2009 11:22

I'm sorry Snitch, it really sounds like your dh is being an arse who is taking you for granted.
He isn't just being forgetful, he is being thoughtless and tbh mean.
I would go to your mums, talk to her and get her advice, and tell you dh that you seriously need to talk when you get home and that you are unhappy.
Realte may definatly be a way forward, but as others have said, it is only an option if he admits he's been a sod and wants to work through it.
Best of luck x

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GoldenSnitch · 17/08/2009 11:25

My Mum's at a Buddish retreat in Edinburgh! She won't be back till Friday.

He did admit he's been lazy when we talked on Friday - that's my glimmer of hope

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ErikaMaye · 17/08/2009 11:29

I'm not suprised its gotten too much, I think it would have for anyone.

I agree with allaboutme - a big shock might be exactly what he needs to make him realise that you desereve to be treated better than the way he's treating you now. If you're worried it might backfire by sending him to his mums, maybe you should go to yours. Even if he does simply play on the PC, after a few days of his dinner not being made, his washing not being done, you and his child not being there, and wallowing in his own mess, he'll start to realise how much you do for him at the very least. Well, I hope he would, at least. x

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GoldenSnitch · 17/08/2009 11:38

We had a lovely weekend too. Went to the zoo and had yesterday afternoon in the garden...

I've spent too long ignoring this stuff between the good bits though...

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tiredoftherain · 17/08/2009 11:47

Hi golden, your DH sounds very like my H was a couple of years ago. Little acts of thoughtlessness snowballed into an attitude of indifference and neglect towards us all and we're on the brink of splitting. Get on to it now, things went downhill quickly for us once dc2 arrived, and H slowly opted out of all of it.

I also remember being the wife who wasn't paranoid and whose DH didn't have to beg for a "pass" to go out. It didn't do me any favours in the long run, although being reasonable is in my nature, he took full advantage.

I know how tired and exhausted you must be by all of this, but I would urge you to deal with it as much as you are able. I found that the more I was left with the children, the more exhausted and further into the spiral I got. I'm only just starting to deal with it all now.

Relate sounds like a very good place to start. Good luck.

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