I love my husband. I really do. But this is being horribly eroded and I can't sleep tonight because of all the thoughts flooding through my head.
DH has never been an easy person to talk to. We tend to rub along together fairly easily with little or no conflict, maybe we will have one big row which completely clears the air every couple of years but otherwise not.
DH however is prone to tantrums. This happens on a daily basis, often several times a day in fact. He shouts, stomps around and throws stuff. Real aggression. I must say right now he's never EVER been violent. It's only really happened in the last couple of years but it is getting more and more frequent. I've gone from being faintly alarmed at these occurring at the start, to slightly pissed off to the situation now - which I am ashamed to admit is to have a tantrum myself and copy him. This stops him in his tracks, he realises he's being ridiculous and calms down immediately. It's a moment, bang and he's back to laughing and chatting as normal like nothing ever happened.
It's ok for him. He doesn't have to live with himself. He wonders why I'm never 'in the mood' any more - well with that behaviour it kind of puts me off. I can't just forget all those tantrums in an instant. I just find it all such a horrible turn off.
There's also an issue with our eldest child. DH never shows this child affection or really involves himself with our eldest at all. In fact our eldest is an irritation to him. He's not like this with all our children, he has affection and time for all the others, especially our youngest. He was sniping at our eldest all the time, but I had to say something to DH when our eldest kept coming to me and asking why daddy doesn't like him and does daddy not love him any more. It's not always been like this, the affection and involvement were there when our eldest was a toddler. To be fair to him the sniping has stopped, but he's still distant. It's upsetting as the others don't get treated this way and I tend to try and over compensate with our eldest which then upsets the balance with the others.
Apart from these issues he's brilliant. Really hands on with the kids and helping round the house and we really are best friends, we always have been, this is how our relationship started.
We've had a lot of stressors in the last few years, death of a child, unemployment (current) and I've had my own mental health issues. I admit I've not been the easiest person to live with but I've tried to pull myself out and I've succeeded.
- I don't want to go back to a poor mental state because of the above
- I am terrified that the issues above will erode our relationship irretrievably. This is the last thing in the world I want to happen.
I also worry about the effect this is having on my eldest child and my protective streak is turning me slowly against my DH and I hate it.
On one hand when he's being hateful to my eldest I want him to leave but then I wonder what I would do without him as he's fantastic in all other ways (apart from the tantrums).
He won't see a counsellor as he isn't even able to tell me how he is feeling. He saw the doctor a while back and was so cagey that the depression quiz was practically pointless.
There are social communication issues in his family and I really wonder whether he has one as he has such trouble with communicating his feelings.
I just don't know what to do. Sorry this has been epic.