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I really don't know what to do any more

(13 Posts)
SomebodyPleaseHelpMe Mon 17-Aug-09 02:49:49

I love my husband. I really do. But this is being horribly eroded and I can't sleep tonight because of all the thoughts flooding through my head.

DH has never been an easy person to talk to. We tend to rub along together fairly easily with little or no conflict, maybe we will have one big row which completely clears the air every couple of years but otherwise not.

DH however is prone to tantrums. This happens on a daily basis, often several times a day in fact. He shouts, stomps around and throws stuff. Real aggression. I must say right now he's never EVER been violent. It's only really happened in the last couple of years but it is getting more and more frequent. I've gone from being faintly alarmed at these occurring at the start, to slightly pissed off to the situation now - which I am ashamed to admit is to have a tantrum myself and copy him. This stops him in his tracks, he realises he's being ridiculous and calms down immediately. It's a moment, bang and he's back to laughing and chatting as normal like nothing ever happened.

It's ok for him. He doesn't have to live with himself. He wonders why I'm never 'in the mood' any more - well with that behaviour it kind of puts me off. I can't just forget all those tantrums in an instant. I just find it all such a horrible turn off.

There's also an issue with our eldest child. DH never shows this child affection or really involves himself with our eldest at all. In fact our eldest is an irritation to him. He's not like this with all our children, he has affection and time for all the others, especially our youngest. He was sniping at our eldest all the time, but I had to say something to DH when our eldest kept coming to me and asking why daddy doesn't like him and does daddy not love him any more. It's not always been like this, the affection and involvement were there when our eldest was a toddler. To be fair to him the sniping has stopped, but he's still distant. It's upsetting as the others don't get treated this way and I tend to try and over compensate with our eldest which then upsets the balance with the others.

Apart from these issues he's brilliant. Really hands on with the kids and helping round the house and we really are best friends, we always have been, this is how our relationship started.

We've had a lot of stressors in the last few years, death of a child, unemployment (current) and I've had my own mental health issues. I admit I've not been the easiest person to live with but I've tried to pull myself out and I've succeeded.

1) I don't want to go back to a poor mental state because of the above

2) I am terrified that the issues above will erode our relationship irretrievably. This is the last thing in the world I want to happen.

I also worry about the effect this is having on my eldest child and my protective streak is turning me slowly against my DH and I hate it.

On one hand when he's being hateful to my eldest I want him to leave but then I wonder what I would do without him as he's fantastic in all other ways (apart from the tantrums).

He won't see a counsellor as he isn't even able to tell me how he is feeling. He saw the doctor a while back and was so cagey that the depression quiz was practically pointless.

There are social communication issues in his family and I really wonder whether he has one as he has such trouble with communicating his feelings.

I just don't know what to do. Sorry this has been epic.

BitOfFun Mon 17-Aug-09 02:55:10

Sorry not to have much useful to say, I'm kind of getting brain wind-down now! But I hope people see this and can help, and I'll check back tomorrow- hopefully even just getting that out will relax you a bit? Take care, speak tomorrow?

SomebodyPleaseHelpMe Mon 17-Aug-09 02:58:16

Thanks - just knowing someone has seen this helps x

junglist1 Mon 17-Aug-09 09:18:12

First of all sorry you've lost a child.
The problem could be a combination of things, he really sounds like he needs to talk his issues through. If he won't see a counsellor, is there a really close family friend who could help? I'm clutching at straws really I know how stubborn men are. Maybe he didn't want to talk to the GP because he has so much pain buried inside.
In the short term, tell him he's taking your eldest out for a bonding session, just the two of them. Just a thought but when you lost your child was it only your eldest that was born?

NicknameTaken Mon 17-Aug-09 09:47:49

How old is the eldest?

SomebodyPleaseHelpMe Mon 17-Aug-09 11:33:44

Eldest is five.
We had two kids when our third died.

sausagesupper Mon 17-Aug-09 11:41:45

sorry don't really know what to suggest. I feel exhauseted reading you op thinking of you having to deal with all that....
Don't blame you for feeling protective to oldest dc. I have felt like that before and I know that although it would be soooo hard, as thier mother you may be forced to make the choice to remove them from a negative situation regardless of your own feelings.
Hope someone else has more advise, and so sorry for the loss of your child, that alone would be the hardest thing to deal with.

NicknameTaken Mon 17-Aug-09 11:53:49

That's a really sad situation. I'm so sorry for your eldest. I'm glad you've already said something to your DH that stopped the sniping. It's a good sign that he is listening to you. But he clearly needs to do more. Any idea why he has problems with your eldest?

It seems to me like this is the major thing to tackle, both because of the long-term harm it can do to your eldest, but also because if this is solved, there's a good chance you'll feel warmer to your husband again.

SomebodyPleaseHelpMe Mon 17-Aug-09 11:56:56

I agree. If we can get this sorted we do have a bright future and a marriage that is definitely worth saving. However the damage being done to our eldest is just really worrying me and I think it's a maternal protection thing.

He's just so hard to talk to. He puts up a brick wall and you're never really sure if he is even listening.

NicknameTaken Mon 17-Aug-09 12:24:50

If he listened to you about the sniping and acted on it, it seems that he does take on board what you say. He might find these kind of conversations deeply uncomfortable and not want to do a dialogue with you, but if he listens, and goes away and thinks about it, and then does something, that is grounds for hope.

Do you think it would help if you wrote him a letter setting out how he is (potentially) damaging your child plus his relationship with you? He might find a letter easier than a face-to-face conversation.

You might just have to find a way of communication that works for him (as you did when you imitated his tantrums). Needless to say, it does have to work for you too.

SomebodyPleaseHelpMe Mon 17-Aug-09 13:14:10

Something has to give and I have to find a way, thank you for giving me some options to mull over x

NanaNina Mon 17-Aug-09 13:37:25

Oh dear me too so sorry for your present difficulties. Have you any idea at all what is behind his lack of feeling for your eldest - is it somehow connected to the death of one of your children. Is the eldest different in ways/temperament from the others? Whatever it is it must be dealt with as this is a form of emotional abuse and can the same sort of negative effects on a child as physical abuse. Sorry but you have to face facts. I think you know that your eldest is going to be irreperably damaged by this treatment and it really is up to you to take action.

And the tantrums on a daily basis............what on earth is allthat about. TBh I think you sound a little bit too accommodating of your H and are maybe idealising your r/ship. Is it time to take control, to insist that you find a good counsellor to address these issues.

Lolabelle Mon 17-Aug-09 14:49:39

I am having similar problems with my DH and it all came to head at a weekend wedding where he flipped out on alcohol and had a huge tantrum in front of my in laws and was verbally abusive to me for absolutely no reason. He blamed it on drink and the in laws blamed it on teh stressin his life as he has a stressful job and i have recently gone through chemotherapy for breast cancer (i was diagnosed when my ds was 7 months old) but i must say i did feel a bit like 'hellooo YOU'RE stressed??!!' but rather than trying to attack him further as i have no energy after the stressful (and embarassing) weekend but I have said that he clearly can't drink anymore as it seems to bring out some deep rooted stress and he explodes but more importantly i've insisted he has counselling with a counsellor that it trained in anger management as by not communicating effectively he is letting it build up into these tantrums and we too are fundamentally best friends so its such a shame but he has promised he will open up to a counsellor or well, the marriage just won't work. He called me a lazy c**t and b*tch and someother stuff that makes me think maybe he has serious issues that need addressing as i'm far from lazy and far from a b*tch so i just feel that maybe talking to your dh about counselling, individual or as a couple might be worth another shot. You've been through so much and some men do seem to keep these feelings bottled up and it has to come out in some way i guess. If my DH fails to find out why i can't see a future in us so he has to go and seek help but i appreciate i'm not perfect but at least i have sought help for my own issues in the past - now its his turn. Good luck, sounds liuke you have a good basis as a rrelationship but the stresses of your life are taking their toll x

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