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Is it really every bit my responsibility?

(27 Posts)
BananaPudding Mon 17-Aug-09 01:59:59

Dh and I both work full time. I have one full time job, dh has two part time jobs. The house is a mess, laundry is behind, meals have degenerated into fair crap. Dh does nothing around the house, ever. When dd was little I worked and he stayed home, he did nothing then either. I would come home from work and he would ask me "what's for dinner?". How would I know, I've been away all day while you've been here with the kitchen! Now that he is working, he feels justified that he should not have to do anything. Last week when I came home after work and dh left for work dd told me "daddysaid we'd better clean up and not sit around"

excuse me? Am I mistaken, or does an adult husband have as much responsibility for homekeeping as a wife does? I want to scream. I know that my housekeeping is crap, but really should it all be on me?

MotheringHeights Mon 17-Aug-09 02:10:57

No it shouldn't be all on you. His attitude is disgraceful and he's being exceedingly lazy.

Don't stand for it.

OrangeFish Mon 17-Aug-09 02:12:28

I would stop cooking for him until he can show more solidarity.

nje3006 Mon 17-Aug-09 02:12:59

Do you seriously think anyone here would say yes it's all down to you? Of course not. So I wonder why you ask the question? What do you really want to hear from people...?

BananaPudding Mon 17-Aug-09 02:29:21

Nj I guess that I just wanted to hear "no, you aren't crazy". It's been a hard day is all.

screamingabdab Mon 17-Aug-09 02:43:24

No, you aren't crazy !!!!

BananaPudding Mon 17-Aug-09 02:47:55

Thanks Screamingabdab

BitOfFun Mon 17-Aug-09 02:48:57

You sound knackered and pissed off, and I'm not surprised! Can you sit down with him and tell him to get his finger out, or at least stop expecting to live in a tidy house, seeing as you are bloody busy? It's a serious issue, for sure.

duchesse Mon 17-Aug-09 02:50:44

He's being an arse. Kick his butt.

screamingabdab Mon 17-Aug-09 02:57:27

That's OK banana. Time for a serious talk, I think. MN is littered with threads about women going right off their partners because of lack of weight-pullage in the housework department.

Hi BOF ! Can't believe I'm up, and feeling slightly weird. Censoring what I say in a way I don't normally in case it gets in the DM

screamingabdab Mon 17-Aug-09 02:58:17

Wierd even ("i before e except after c")

duchesse Mon 17-Aug-09 03:01:03

You were right the first time, abdab!

screamingabdab Mon 17-Aug-09 03:04:18

duchesse Thanks smile. Jeez, what an ignoramus !

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 17-Aug-09 07:45:12

'when the sound is eee'

So weird = not under the ie rule

purplepeony Mon 17-Aug-09 08:01:14

You need to negotiate some rules. He's taking the piss.

No good looking back, but you did allow him to get away with murder when he was a SAHD, so it's going to be doubly hard to make him behave differently now.

You need to sit down together and work out who dies what.
There is lots you can do to help each other:
*grocery shop online
*have a weekly menu so you know what's what. *Take it in turns to cook, or whoever is home first starts it and then the other one starts on child-care or chores when they come home.
*bulk buy, or cook and bulk freeze.
*share chores and make a list that a monkey could follow.- if you iron, he hoovers, or cleans bathrooms.
*If you can afford it, get a cleaner for 2 hrs a week.

Stop treating him like a child and he might behave like an asult.

skybright Mon 17-Aug-09 08:06:32

I have this as well,TBH it is not just about housework,it is that everything is my responsibility,from the direct debits to the kids clothes and even making sure the dog/dentist/doctors etc appointments are all kept.

We both work full time albeit that he works five days a week (in fairness sometimes 45/60 hours) and i work three long days. We do try to work it that i work on his days off and we arrange childcare from family or friends at least once a week...that is always left up to me and sometimes it is three different sets of childcare that i am arranging.

It bothers me that he only does the very bare essentials in the house when he is here,he would never ever take it upon himself to clean or go food shopping and he does not even take the kids anywhere nice so that he is out of the house..i don't think i would mind as much if he did this.

So basically i am always chasing my tail,the house is okay when i leave for work and never ever as tidy when i come home.

I have said on many occasions to come home to a cleaner house than i left would be amazing.

It is the fact that he in life as i see it only really has to worry or think about himself and his own agenda and i am always forward thinking about everything else.

I have decided when i get round to it to making a monthly chore list,basically on every day there will be certain jobs that should be done no matter who is in the house as it is fine doing the bare essentials but it means the biggish stuff is always done by me. Not sure how it will work though.

You have my sympathies.

purplepeony Mon 17-Aug-09 12:07:42

"I have decided when i get round to it to making a monthly chore list"

It shouldn't take you longer than an hour- just do it! Unless your house is the pits, anyone should be able to get by with
* twice/three times a week hoovering downstairs and quick sweep/mop kitchen floor
* dusting once aweek
* upstairs once a week
* bathrooms 2-3 times a week or more depending on age of kids etc
*laundry is on going- do in the evening or whoever is at home daytime
*big jobs like windows etc- once a month orless and a window cleaner for outsides.

Personally, I'd rather economise on food and going out and pay £20 a week for a cleaner than have it wreck me and my relationships. But these guys need to shape up- you are allowing them to behave like this.

TheGuardianReader Mon 17-Aug-09 17:20:28

umm, purplepeony, that must mean my house IS the pits, as I can't see your list making any sort of dent in the
paperwork
piles of computer bits
broken but precious toy railway, cars, Scalextric, doll's house bits
Junk Models and other beloved artistic efforts
DIY gear
wetsuits
gerbil/hamster cages
escaped sheet music
random bits of plastic that MIGHT be essential, who can tell?
tins of nails
clothes
piles of shoes

that obscure our floors and somewhat hamper that Quick Mop of the floor.

Oh sod it. I think I might just Quick Mop it all into a big binbag and see if anyone cares.

(random Daily Mail Hater nickname here, btw)

OhBling Mon 17-Aug-09 17:47:35

DH and I plan to get wooden chests - one for each of us and one per child in due course. When things get overcluttered, whoever is doing the "sweep" will toss all things belonging to any individual into said individual's box. That box is that person's responsibility.

Obviously, I see problems when the boxes get full but will deal with that when it happens.

You have every right to expect your DH to take responsibility. I believe that inevitably one person is better at keeping the big picture in their head, but that doesn't let the other one off the hook. So... he should be taking primary responsibility for certain things - cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, kids stuff or whatever. But make it happen - it's ridiculous that so many men get away with doing nothing around the house.

TheGuardianReader Mon 17-Aug-09 18:27:26

OhBling,
I like your style. But how do you know whose Thing it is (see random bit of plastice comment above)? Maybe I'll invert your system and have a box for Everything That Isn't Mine.

OhBling Tue 18-Aug-09 08:54:24

That would work. In my case, DH's box would include "everything I think should be thrown away but he can't bring himself to get rid of".

Supercherry Tue 18-Aug-09 09:10:41

Threaten to throw anything away of your DHs that is not put away within a timescale, say, end of the week or Sunday or whatever. Then throw it away!

Is that harsh?

lal123 Tue 18-Aug-09 09:18:16

In our house I find that I do all the day to day clearing up stuff - the cleaning the cooker, loading the dishwasher (I just CAN'T get DP tp understand that dirty cups go IN the dishwasher - not on the worktop above it), putting out the bin etc etc - all the things you never notive have been done. Then once a fortnight DP will ruch around like a man possessed for a couple of hours cleaning windows, washing floors etc etc and then say that he's the only one who ever does anything......

HecatesTwopenceworth Tue 18-Aug-09 09:19:58

"HOUSEWORK IS NOT MY JOB JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A VAGINA!!!!!"

needs yelling in his face.

Lazy git.

You both work outside the home so the work inside the home should also be split 50/50

Boysboysboys Tue 18-Aug-09 09:23:00

Get a cleaner once a fortnight, or once a month... or weekly.... honesly, it is SUCH a good investment!

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