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Honest comments on my dilemma of 'is my husband a complete a--e'! Or do I give him yet another chance?

(54 Posts)
mummytowillow Sun 16-Aug-09 22:29:20

OK, in order to cut this down from a very long ramble I'll bullet point the main facts!!

I had PND after DD, was a complete bitch to live with, sought treatment it worked I changed completely, found out he was seeing a woman from work but alledgedly they didn't have sex, he left me, came back, I forgave him because of how I'd been, he left again, came back, he managed three weeks, he decided he didn't want us (dd 2) and then wouldn't move out of our house. I begged, cried, tried to convince him to make our marriage work, he wasn't interested?

Now for a bit of a ramble! wink

So, nearly five months later, I have just moved out of my lovely house, given up my well paid job and moved (my choice) to live with my parents 300 hundred miles away, I no longer cry, have moved on, got myself a job, lined up a lovely house and to tell you the truth, although I still love him, I don't miss him, probably because I live with my parents, I'm extremely busy and need to live on my own to see if I do miss him?

He has now decided he has made a huge mistake and wants to get back with 'us' he wants to move to transfer to the local police here and basically move in with me when I get my own place hmm He still refuses to acknowledge he did anything wrong however as it was only a kiss and texting!! angry He still makes out that everything is all my fault and then had the nerve to say the following when we discussed what needed to change on both parts!!

He won't come back if I revert to how I was before!
'Things in the bedroom need to vastly improve'! Cheeky twunt!
I can't fault him as a father or a house husband, so I can't complain about him!

Is that man for real? I had PND for gods sake, I was irrational but had a reason, he felt the answer to this was to find himself a bit of stuff! But expects me to do all the changing?

This is what I asked of him - to support me emotionally as yes he is a brilliant father and in the house, but he gives me nothing emotionally, he's like a cold fish! No compliments, no presents on birthdays and throws a card in the Tesco trolley when I'm with him, he forgets how good I've been with his two children from other marriage and how I put up with his loony ex-wifes ravings! How I had to have IVF treatment because of him, how I had a terrible pregnancy and even worse birth, how I tortured myself because I couldn't breastfeed which led to the PND need I go on!!

I've just been down South to finish off the house before the tenants move in, he was supposed to have packed the rest of the house so we just had to move what was left out and he had done nothing, he admitted that he had sat on his arse and watched TV for the five weeks I've been away, how pathetic is that? I think that was the icing on the cake of how selfish he really is and puts his own needs before mine? Our daughter adores him and he is a good Daddy to her, just not a good husband, his own father did the same as he is doing to three different families so is it history repeating itself?

So is he an arse or do I try again?? And should I put conditions on him, he went to counselling but told me the woman told him he didn't need it, yeh right!

dizietsma Sun 16-Aug-09 22:37:00

...he sounds like a prick, why on earth would you take him back?

He can be a good dad without being your partner.

HolyGuacamole Sun 16-Aug-09 22:38:45

He is an arse, don't waste all the progress you've made so far - he doesn't deserve it.

You're wasting your breath talking about conditions etc. IMO, he is only back because the grass isn't greener. Sorry, I mean that in the nicest of ways.

MaggieBeauLeo Sun 16-Aug-09 22:41:38

Don't. I left my x and went back to my parents when i was 33. we'd already had counselling. it didn't do much. (I had one child and pnd). He promised the earth, said he was sorry, this was going to change, that was going to change...blah blah blah.

I felt talked into going back by everyone, even my parents. I went back and stuck it out for another couple of years, after an initial slight tense improvement things got worse. He even threw back in my face the fact that I'd left him before (WITH BLOODY GOOD REASON).

eventually i left AGAIN. 3 years older this time. back to my parents again.

But this time there was no talking me out of it. a few years have passed now, I've saved some money, moved on... my only regret is that I didn't leave him sooner. I'm so much happier now.

dont go back, you have moved forward these last few weeks and he is now worried you'll manage without him.

Let him see his dd if he is a good dad, but you sound like your doing well, please dont let him take you back to the way you wrere.

kinnies Sun 16-Aug-09 22:42:50

Dont let him back in.

You know he has no intention of changing.

sad for you, but it really sounds like you are getting your life back on track.

He may be a good daddy but has let you all down by not supporting you when you had pnd and then left you to cope!!!!

A prise twunt if ever there was and he will sit and rot whilst you and DC will have happy lifes and move on.


MsHighwater Sun 16-Aug-09 22:45:15

It doesn't sound like you should take him back but maybe don't close the door on it entirely. For instance, if he wants to transfer his job to where you are living, he can surely do that but he could do that without moving in with you - apart from anything else, his reaction if you suggested it might be instructive.

twoclimbingboys Sun 16-Aug-09 22:57:18

I think MsHighwater's suggestion sounds sensible

He sounds really selfish and obviously doesn't intend to change so I find it hard to see how you would be happy with him.

juicyjolly Sun 16-Aug-09 23:08:45

I think you already know the answer to the question.
But just in case you dont........DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK.
You have everything going well for you at the moment, keep it that way!

KissMyAssDailyMailcentreplus Sun 16-Aug-09 23:20:00

You love him? you want to take him honest

DivaSkyChick Mon 17-Aug-09 02:02:00

Oh for God's sake. You are not seriously considering this?!!!

MotheringHeights Mon 17-Aug-09 02:08:49

No, no, no, no, no. Especially as he still thinks he's done nothing wrong!

You've done really well, it's up to him to sort himself out properly. With the attitude he's taking at the moment, he clearly hasn't done that. If, and only if, he really understood what he'd done, took responsibility for it and was properly humble about it, then you could start, very slowly, spending time together and seeing how it went.

So long as he's still blind to his role in it all, then no, no, no, no, no.

nje3006 Mon 17-Aug-09 02:14:45

as juicyjolly said, you already know the answer to the question. What do you really want to hear...?

NicknameTaken Mon 17-Aug-09 10:07:35

Agreeing with Mothering that if he doesn't see that he's done anything wrong, he's definitely not going to change. It will go back to the way it was before. Up to you how appealing you find that prospect.

squeaver Mon 17-Aug-09 10:12:34

He is an arse. You now have the high ground, do not back down.

mummytowillow Mon 17-Aug-09 20:58:52

Thing is I want my daughter to have her Daddy all the time, not just a couple of nights in the week then on his weekends off?

So for her maybe I should go back with him, but on my terms? I know your all going to think I'm mad, but he isn't a bad man he is a good daddy just a crap husband? Isn't she the most important thing in all this mess?

thesecondcoming Mon 17-Aug-09 21:10:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

megmums Mon 17-Aug-09 21:11:58

Your dd is important, but remember that she will grow up and leave home, and leave you with a H you may still despise and resent.

You should only stay if you feel that you can be happy with him. Your dd can see him still, and she will be happy if you are.

AnyFucker Mon 17-Aug-09 21:16:56

mtw, your dd deserves a happy mummy

not a downtrodden woman who compromises her own happiness for a child

she will not thank you for it when she is older

all she will remember is that mummy wasn't happy

then when she flies the nest, you will turn round and realise you have wasted the best years of your life on a man who is a crap husband

please love, think what you are proposing

the days that women had to stay with duff husbands for the sake of the children are long over

ADifferentMe Mon 17-Aug-09 21:43:18

What is it about policemen? So many threads about philanderig plods recently.

By all means he could get a transfer to be near your DD, but it sounds like you've had enough.

Wish I'd got out years ago sad

mummytowillow Mon 17-Aug-09 21:49:17

thesecondcoming - I was far from the perfect wife, in fact I could be quite difficult to live with, I'm a bit of a clean freak etc so I am not entirely blameless, however when I needed him he wasn't there for me he chose to go elsewhere instead of talking to me? sad

This is the problem I am having he isn't that bad in fact on the face of things everyone thought we had the perfect marriage, until you delve deeper? I have, however accepted and dealt with my part in our marriage break up, had numerous counselling sessions, took the tablets and changed, he has done absolutely nothing as he thinks he has nothing to do!!

I think if he comes to live near me, he can get his own place and then we will take it from there, but at the moment I'm quite liking being my own person, doing my own thing with my daughter and this is what I think he doesn't like!

Thanks for all the comments xx

thesecondcoming Mon 17-Aug-09 22:01:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Mon 17-Aug-09 22:07:09

thesecondcoming, has it not occurred to you that the reason he is now showing interest is precisely that mtw is moving on and starting anew ???

typical selfish tosser behaviour

thesecondcoming Mon 17-Aug-09 22:19:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Mon 17-Aug-09 22:21:28

thesecondcoming, I trust you have read all of mtw's previous threads ??

no ?


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