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Another in-laws one, sorry, but WWYD?

(13 Posts)
lisbey Sun 16-Aug-09 22:19:58

We haven't seen PIL for 5 years when (DCs were 3y & 6m)

DH gets occasional emails and they send birthday cards etc, but haven't spoken in 5 years. Long story, but DH basically decided life was less painful without them.

In an attempt to keep at least some lines of communication open, I have been sending occasional photos, copies of school reports and a kind of newsletter at Christmas. DH thinks I shouldn't bother, but doesn't mind that I do.

I sent the class photo a few weeks ago and MIL emailed DH to say thanks (I'll let the fact that it was me, not him, who sent it go)

DH didn't reply to the email, says he had nothing to say and there were no questions etc in the mail that required a response.

Last week he got a stroppy email form FIL about how awful it was of him not to have replied to his mother's email. He hasn't replied to that either.

I haven't sent the school reports yet this year and TBH, as what I do send seems to cause trouble, I'm inclined not to, or is that being childish? WWYD?

HaggisNeepsnTatties Sun 16-Aug-09 22:23:28

Have they ever sent e-mails in the past to thank you for sending reports etc?

I do the same for ILs too, even though they never respond to me but to dh. I always think atleast i cant be told Im a horrible dil. I also do ity for the kids, least they will know i tried.
DH does respond to emails but not letters, and i dont respond at all, especially to the horrible texts i get now and then

lisbey Sun 16-Aug-09 22:29:49

They've never thanked me, no, but they do usually send an email to DH thanking him for what I've sent. To be fair, they probably don't have an email address for me.

Heated Sun 16-Aug-09 22:34:45

The stroppy email from FIL would sound alarm bells tbh - hardly conciliatory is he? Presumably your dh cut them off for a good reason. They must also know that it's you who keep them in contact. DH wants no contact which is his right imo and silence in response to FIL unpleasant email is probably the best response. Any communication might be 'safer' and more polite through you anyway. Personally I think you should keep sending the photos/reports to your MIL, who also seems keen to keep the lines of communication open.

MsHighwater Sun 16-Aug-09 22:38:42

I think you should probably keep sending them - if only so that no-one can ever say that you made no effort at all.

Would he normally respond to their emails? Is it possible they were trying to restore communication with you? Have they ever reacted like this before?

AvengingGerbil Sun 16-Aug-09 22:52:25

No advice on the general issue, but I wouldn't dream of sending my child's school report to my ILs or anybody else come to that. Reports are a private matter between school, parents and child, not something to be shared.

horriblemonday Sun 16-Aug-09 23:12:38

Don't really know what you should do here. I take it PIL are pretty annoying or your DH wouldn't have cut them off - don't know the reasons why, but I can understand.

However, they maybe think that getting photos and things means they will one day see the kids and their son again. Sounds like FIL wants to communicate but doesn't know how. I feel sorry for you, because you seem to be stuck in the middle. Maybe it's time for some kind of change. After all, what's the point of sending reports and photos to people who'll never see their grandkids. So, I'd keep sending them if there's even a little bit of hope left.

2rebecca Mon 17-Aug-09 10:30:37

Sending photos is fair enough. I wouldn't send my kids reports to relatives though. That sounds strange. Not your job to reply to emails. I would send photos and christmas card but leave rest to husband. Anything more is taking over his life a bit in my opinion. A thank you email doesn't need a reply.

Tortington Mon 17-Aug-09 10:33:21

well they dont make any effort

your dh doesn't make any effort

so fuck it

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 17-Aug-09 11:12:46


Do not send anything further to them, I would cease contact.

I think your keeping in touch with these people is understandable as you've likely come from a family that is itself emotionally healthy and functioning and this is what "normal healthy functioning families" do.

However, not all families are nice like this by any means and your PIL's are one such example of many dysfucntional units. I can understand your wanting to keep in touch but it is fundamentally flawed in this instance as the PILs will never play by the rules governing "normal" family behaviour or relations. You therefore need to examine exactly why you keep on contacting them; you will receive nothing nice back, you are not even receiving a letter in reply only an e-mail from MIL to your H. A one way relationship like yours with the PILs will stay one way. This has been going on for at least five years as well likely going back too to the time when your H was living at home with them. He has made a decision to limit contact with them for good reason, I think you should consider doing the same now.

You need to consider as well that these PIL's of yours are likely to want to manipulate your own children as well if they were ever to meet, these people are more than happy to pass on all their issues to the next generation.

2rebecca Mon 17-Aug-09 11:43:44

I thought the inlaws sent them both birthday and xmas cards? If they only send cards to husband then I'd refuse to communicate and leave ball in husbands court but if they send xmas cards to the 2 of you and send you a birthday card then I'd send xmas card =/_ photos. Wouldn't bother writing an epistle though. That's def husbands role, although other women seem keen to take on this role and absolve their husbands from card sending/ letter writing duties.

more Mon 17-Aug-09 15:12:34

I would leave it well alone. This is your husband's (toxic) family not yours. Would you want your husband to interfere if it was you that had cut contact with family that you quite simply don't want any more contact with.

If my husband did what you did, he tried it once and is never going to do it again. They are my problem not his.

Also realise that his parents (and siblings) will most likely blame you for most of this situation, that is what my parents are doing. To them my husband is not allowed to be mentioned or in any way spoken of.

Part of making themselves blameless is to blame my husband and build up this little fantasy world, where my husband is mistreating me (not true whatsoever), and somehow holding me captive. It means that they don't have to face up to the truth about themselves and their behaviour.

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