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have had enough (long)

(18 Posts)
flowerbag Sun 16-Aug-09 21:46:38

We,ve just had a family gathering and I thought my dh was flirting with my ds. This is not paranoia on my behalf as there has always been something there when they meet, my ds asked my dh at xmas did he think she was attractive, when he told me this I told him I was uncomfortable with it, so he seemed to keep out of her way for a while.

However, when she came in he seemed to light up he started laughing and joking and teasing her she did the same. I felt very uncomfortable and have to leave the room several times. My mother and friend was there so I could not say anything but I did try to cathch his eye but he ignored me.

Anyway, I later asked him about and explained how uncomfortable it made me feel and he hit the roof. He told me that after all I did I shouldn't say anything (he always thought I 2 timed him when we weredating but I didn't) He grabbed my arm & squeezed it when I tried to walk away, he threw the house keys on the ground whn I told him to leave and told me I would never see him again. He left but is now back in sitting room watching tv after telling what a bad person I am and I deserve all I get with our dd (we seem to lock horns quite a bit shes 5) as I did the same to my mother.

I am v upset and hurt at the way he has behaved not only with my ds but at his outburst. I was really afraid of him.

Any advice please

HaggisNeepsnTatties Sun 16-Aug-09 21:48:57

Your DH is flirting with your DS???

Quattrocento Sun 16-Aug-09 21:51:38

Sister probably?

No advice though. Sorry you are going through this.

flowerbag Sun 16-Aug-09 21:52:24

yes sorry my sister

ilikeshoes Sun 16-Aug-09 21:57:03

You sure your not misinturpreting things, are they just being freindly, have you mentioned anything to your sister.

Spero Sun 16-Aug-09 21:57:09

He should not have reacted in this way, even if he thinks you are barking mad and should have no realistic or reasonable grounds for concern.

From what you say, you tried to express your concerns in a low key way and I think if your partner loves you then he/she will not meet your concerns with rage or contempt, but would try to listen, understand and make things better.

So, regardless of whatever the situation is or isn't with your sister, I don't think he should have responded that way, not to someone he is supposed to love and cherish.

So i guess the usual advice applies. If he won't talk calmly with you later and you both try to sort out how to deal with the situation in a way that makes you both comfortable, then I think you've got to consider getting professional help to deal with a potentially very serious communication problem.

flowerbag Sun 16-Aug-09 22:03:36

ilikeshoes, my sis flirts with all men, she loves the attention &dh knows this so it seems as if was encouraging her.

spero my dh is having professional help at the moment for stress but it seems to work with everyone else but me. If I say anything that he doesn't like he tells me I am trying to wind him up

Spero Sun 16-Aug-09 22:06:11

what kind of professional help? Doesn't sound like its working very well.

flowerbag Sun 16-Aug-09 22:13:56

he is seeing a councillor as he has problems with jealousy. its difficult to explain, he thinks that I may have had one too mwny boyfriends before I met him as he didn't have many relationships, we are together 15 years married 7 and this was always coming between us, so he decided to get help, now it seems to be anything can set him off

Spero Sun 16-Aug-09 22:18:13

He has a problem that is having an impact on your partnership; i think you should be seeing someone together.

This 'stress' 'jealousy' thing sounds quite weird - he treats you with contempt because you had more boyfriends then he had girlfriends??

sounds like the issues are more than that.

flowerbag Sun 16-Aug-09 22:27:05

I agree, now the councillor has told him that he is stressed it seems to be his answer for everything. I understand that stress can be a cause of alot of things but it shouldn't take over and it can't have been there in thw whole 7 years of our marriage and before. I feel that he always has a problem with me.

Spero Sun 16-Aug-09 22:30:49

o ffs. He may well be 'stressed', join the club but that is no excuse for treating a fellow human being, the mother of his children like that.

You've been together a while, it would be a shame to throw it away if you think it is still worthwhile, but you can't go on like this. he needs to take responsibility for how he reacts. Maybe you can help him with this but he needs to genuinely want to try.

flowerbag Sun 16-Aug-09 22:34:34

We have talked about his temper so many times and he insists that he does want to try thus the councilling but I just feel that it happens too often, we have 2 dcs 5 and 3 who we can still hide our fights from but I dread them getting older and hearing the things he says to me they are really hurtful

Spero Sun 16-Aug-09 22:36:32

Maybe you've got to put a time limit on it? Try couples counselling for six months and then make a decision. It will be awful for your children to grow up and be exposed to this; they will think this is what relationships are meant to be.

flowerbag Sun 16-Aug-09 22:39:50

Iknow it would be terrible for them. I think we would be better off without him as sometimes when he is in his stressed moods hegoes really quiet and I feel as I'm walking on egg shells. To everybody else he's helpful polite and great fun, where I feel like the baddie all the time

NicknameTaken Mon 17-Aug-09 10:14:48

It's not sounding good to me, flowerbag. The squeezing of your arm, the "walking on eggshells" feeling, you being afraid of him. Tbh, they do ring alarm bells with me. I don't want to rush in and tell you you're being abused, but would you consider having a chat with Women's Aid? He is definitely behaving in some unacceptable ways. He doesn't get to use you as a punching-bag to relieve his stres.

flowerbag Mon 17-Aug-09 21:08:46

Thanks for the advice. I contacted Womens Aid but I am even more confused. I think my dh has a temper but he does with everyone he does not save it all for me, granted I may get more than anybody elsebut I feel I can aggrevate the situation

NicknameTaken Tue 18-Aug-09 10:19:06

It's DH's responsibility to keep his temper, not for you to get him to keep it.

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