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if you snoop, how do you act on what you find?

(14 Posts)
whitetulips Sun 16-Aug-09 17:19:20

Long long story...
DH was working abroad, I stayed here with kids, I discovered I had chlamydia, Dh denied anything....
He returns to Uk, with no job, I support him, he gets job, relationship still a disaster, so we agree to separate.
All amicable, house on market but all living together, civilly.
I can't help myself, check his emails. He has emailed an expat friend of his saying it was his decision to dump me, "western women are not as easy to live with" and "X is so excited she knows I am getting a house here and she will be with me".

Now I feel like an idiot. Has he been playing me or is this just male bravado to his expat friend?
I have agreed reluctantly to 50:50 split of everything to make things easy, he has threatened to fight via lawyers if I ask for more, even though my lawyer said 65% was more fair due to our circumstances. It is not a huge sum, and the difference would be lost in lawyer fees anyway.

The plan was to sell house, buy 1 each, then divorce later. No lawyers involved in process yet. But if he is moving his asian friend here, I want to get everything for me and the children.

How I can I win now???

katemumtwo Sun 16-Aug-09 17:41:52

Well, you don't get chlamydia from the middle of the air... However, if fighting is not going to get you much more then I don't really see the point of it. You might think it will make you feel better but I m sure it will cause you a lot more stress than it is worth.

Get the evidence together to make sure that he isn't having his friend on about the OW and see a solicitor. At very least, I am fairly sure that claiming adultery will speed up the divorce so you can be rid of the lying git. As for western women being harder to live with - if she wants to come and be his domestic slave then that's her look out. I hope she's just after a visa and cuts and runs as soon as the ink from the Home Office is dry!

If I recall correctly he cannot make you leave the house if the kids are living there (if you can afford to keep it on alone), so that would stuff up their plans a bit.

moondog Sun 16-Aug-09 17:44:51

Where was he? Somewhere like Thailand?
God they are knobs, these blokes.

whitetulips Sun 16-Aug-09 18:09:41

I love the idea of her using him for a visa
Yes it was the far east, we all lived there for a while, so I know exactly what type of girl!
Just want to keep things on an even keel for the kids but so hard when I know this. I want to kick him til his balls fall off but I need the house sale to go as smooth and fast as poss. Think I might not agree to the divorce so easily now though, just to piss him off.
The proof from the clinic is too long ago for me to use, so we had agreed that he could say something like I refused him sex so he could not live like that that blah blah. Too bloody right I did hehe. I just am going to make him stew now as she won't get a visa if he is married will she?

The only problem is I can't confront him as then he would know I was reading his emails, and sometimes I get these little 'insights' into his life.

moondog Sun 16-Aug-09 18:20:06

Can you ont sort of drop a few hints to half let him know you are onto him and get him paranoid?

sincitylover Sun 16-Aug-09 18:21:49

my exh said Thailand was the only place he got 'respect' shock

I too hacked into his emails and found one to a Thai girl talking about 'fun'

Since we split he does have new Western p.

However he is off to Thailand today for business and when I picked up the dcs from his today (we had just argued) - I couldn't resist saying oh have fun on your trip. Don't think it even registered with him.

I do despise white men who chose Asian women for this reason. It's just so bleugh

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sun 16-Aug-09 18:23:41

What is it you want and how do you expect to get it?

BitOfFun Sun 16-Aug-09 18:30:48

I would just keep gathering little bits of evidence and royally screw him when it suits you, but perhaps that isn't healthy...

whitetulips Sun 16-Aug-09 20:08:17

what do I want?? To get a roof over me and the children's heads, in the same village as where we are now.
he wants to move away a few miles to a cheaper area, and he earns more. If we split 50 50, I have to borrow a hefty sum (thousands) from Mum and Dad, and he will be left with thousands in the bank.
He has never saved a penny during the mrriage, while I have a couple of thousand squirrelled away.
If we go to lawyers, the difference will go to them anyway, and we lose all the amicable- ness we have now, which will affect the children. He has me over a barrel.
If I can let on what I know, maybe he could become a little more financially reasonable???? But I have been snooping, which is wrong.

BitOfFun Sun 16-Aug-09 20:12:21

No, cards close to chest until you know exactly what you are doing. I cannot recommend strongly enough at least getting some preliminary advice from a solicitor btw.

whitetulips Sun 16-Aug-09 20:56:00

I have been for my free half hour. He went at the same time,and since then he has been adamant that 50 :50 is what he will give and no more.
I can only assume because he was told that I should get more than that.
I don't want to take him to the cleaners, but 65 % would be enough for me and him to get an equivalent place, due to our unequal earnings but if we lose all that I am fighting for in legal fees...

BitOfFun Sun 16-Aug-09 21:09:52

Perhaps post in Legal and see if there is any advice there?

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 17-Aug-09 09:03:07

You might have been wrong to snoop but what he has done is far worse and negates your wrong doing imo.

If you have been a SAHM running the house and looking after the kids then I think you deserve more then 50%.

Supercherry Mon 17-Aug-09 09:40:51

Whitetulips, you should stay in the marital home for starters, at least until the children leave full time education. Cite adultery in the divorce papers, get the clinic evidence of the STI, I don't see why it would be too old evidence to use, print off the email.

Sod what he thinks to your snooping, he hardly has the moral highground.

Go and get another free half hour from another solicitor.

Go for as much as you can in this divorce, because it doesn't sound like it's going to end up amicable, short term anyway.

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