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etiquette with Dad's new partner

4 replies

magnummum · 16/08/2009 14:38

My dad's new girlfriend has recently moved in with him, to our family home ( my stepmum of 30 years died almost 2 years ago). They've been down to see us a couple of times as I've recently had twins but am thinking of when we next go to see them. Obviously as it's the home I grew up in I treat it like home - bung the kettle on and make everyone a cuppa etc, etc. Just wondering whether this is now going to look weird/presumptious to her if I carry on as usual as it's now her home or as if I expect to be waited on if I don't. Probably overthinking as it's all a bit emotional for me as everything in the house is exactly the same as before my stepmum died. Also, I want to go up and put flowers on the grave for the anniversary but don't really then want to go home see all new girlfriend's stuff everywhere on that day but don't really know what to do - can't really leave the flowers and scarper as it's a 5 hour round trip . I do like her so that isn't the issue. Any thoughts or anyone been in similar situations with a parent's new partner?

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StealthBearWipesBumOnDailyMail · 16/08/2009 14:41

That sounds hard. Sorry to hear about your stepmum's death.
Can you do as you would normally - treat it as home etc but just make a casual comment along the lines of "Do you mind if I put the kettle on?" "You don't mind me making myself at home do you?" etc now and again?
She'd be unreasonable to expect you not to, but it's very nice of you to also be sensitive to the fact it's her home now.

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nje3006 · 17/08/2009 02:37

Good suggestion I think. Something like, "I normally just put the kettle on and make myself a cup of tea but I realise it's your house and I don't want to presume, is it ok if I just put the kettle on?" and see if you can judge by her reaction whether it really is ok or not...

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StillNorks · 17/08/2009 07:22

This happened to me, but as I was a teenager, I was less worried about ettiquette,And therefore just got on with it.

I think the strangest thing is it is still the same as before your DSM died.I found this unsettleing and was reluctant to be around it.

I found it much easier when they sold up and moved to a new house. I now see myself as a guest in their house, and would not do things off my own back although my DSis still does.

I think I would just say, anyone mind if I put the kettle on? the response will either be no you sit down let me get it or they will be happy for you to be at home in the house as before.

Hope it goes ok for you

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magnummum · 20/08/2009 11:44

Thanks ladies good advice as ever. I think my issues are around the house really and I wish they'd bought a place together to mark this new chapter in their lives, especially as stepmum passed away in the house and is buried in the churchyard at the other end of the village! Anyway, they are embarking on a redecorating project so maybe that will help . Thanks again