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How often do you visit family graves?

(21 Posts)
Extended Sun 16-Aug-09 11:37:43

Another thread on Mumsnet made me wonder how often readers visit family graves?

My Mother and Father are buried within a mile of where we live so we see them most weeks without actually visiting them if you see what I mean.

In the early days (1970's) I used to take flowers once a week but I suppose life goes on. Marriage and children seemed to take over, in the nicest possible way, and the dark days were left behind.

DH parents are buried in North London which is close to a whole day there and back. We go once a year, usually at Easter, combining the cemetery visit with a drive-past the former family homes.

LittlePeanut Sun 16-Aug-09 11:41:48

My nan is buried about 30 miles way, in East London, and I visit maybe once every couple of years.

My DH's father is buried about 3 miles away, he died 12 years ago and we have only ever visited once. My DH finds it too upsetting, not at all comforting, and doesn't feel that his father is really "there" anyway, so a bit pointless.

I know his sister visits the grave occasionally though. It's a very personal thing, isn't it?

StillNorks Sun 16-Aug-09 11:43:01

I have visited my mothers cremation burial about 2x in 18 years,I do not feel it is necessary to visit a plot to remember

kidcreoleandthecoconuts Sun 16-Aug-09 11:43:40

Two of my grandparents were cremated and their ashes scattered so no where to visit really iykwim. My grandma is buried in a graveyard near where I was brought up but I now live in a different country so never really visit. i'm very lucky to still have all my close family apart from them.
I think that visiting family graves is for the person visiting obviously and so if you're happy with the amount you visit then that's fine. You always know that they're there if you want to visit at any time and like you say other things take over.

harleyd Sun 16-Aug-09 11:44:48

i dont feel the need/see the point in it

MaryMotherOfCheeses Sun 16-Aug-09 11:46:49

I don't. Don't feel I need to in order to remember the person.

It's just a patch of ground with their body in it, not the memories you have of them.

LittlePeanut Sun 16-Aug-09 11:47:06

Yes, unless you get some comfort from it, then there is no point really, IMO. Depends on your beliefs though.

differentID Sun 16-Aug-09 11:48:35

I try to go up to my dad's grave every second visit home, as Mum can't get up there to keep it looking tidy and my sister lives even further away, so it's up to me.

2rebecca Sun 16-Aug-09 11:49:23

Never, all been cremated and scattered. Prefer to remember people as they were when alive not visit places that only make you think of death and which have no real connection with the person.

sarah293 Sun 16-Aug-09 11:51:30

Message withdrawn

Deemented Sun 16-Aug-09 11:53:45

My mum is buried nearly 250 miles away from where i live, so when i go visit my sister i do tend to bring flowers up, ect.

My DS and husband are buried quite close by, and to be honest, i don't go up as often as i feel i should. It's too hard, leaving them there.

Doha Sun 16-Aug-09 13:01:42

Dad is buried on a remote island off the west of Scotland-- due to boat/plane journeys overnight stay is needed for 1-2 nights. Not cheap.

I suppose l go for me. To remember the man who was my best friend as l grew up and is the only male in my life who has never let me down---even my DH. I miss him and go to talk to him to "catch up". Sounds pathetic tho blush

My sister never visits. She believes that she doesn't have to go to a grave to the remember the person again she is right. it's a very personal choice.

my MIL was cremated and her ashes scattered at my FIL's insistance. My DH wishes he and somewhere to go like me -so once a year we go for a walk around the crematorium grounds and put some flowers down.

bonkerz Sun 16-Aug-09 13:09:13

my mum is buried in basingstoke which is about 2 hour drive from where i live. I visit about 4-5 times a year to sort out the grave, there are 5 other close family members who live in the same town but never visit so i feel its my responsibility to ensure the grave is tidy and looked after. Usually i drive there and back in a day stopping for lunch with a friend but i also stay over in travel lodges on her birthday and anniversary of death.
It is a source of comfort still as mum died only 4 years ago in oct so its all still new. guilt plays a factor too as i feel like i let my mum down in life by not visiting enough.

thedailyfemale Sun 16-Aug-09 13:16:37

My brothers ashes are spread about 3 hours away (but I don't drive. I have been once to tell him I was getting married and to leave a wedding favour.

Extended Sun 16-Aug-09 14:26:50

Doha – I don’t think that talking to the person in the grave is pathetic at all.

I “talked”, as in having a one-sided conversation, to my Mother a couple of times in the weeks after her death, we talked again in the evening after my Father’s funeral and the last time was on the day I got married. All a long time ago now.

On reflection I might say something like, “Hello Mum” on most visits even now but that doesn’t really count. Or does it?

Comewhinewithme Sun 16-Aug-09 14:33:19

My dd has a plaque in a garden of the crematorium she has been there almost 11 years and I have visited about 6 times I hate it .
My Mum goes every week and takes flowers and stuff and the only reason I paid the lease this year was for my Mum so she could still visit.
I don't need to go and visit a small plaque with her name on to be close to her she is with me always we stil have her ashes as I couldn't scatter them (I know it sounds barmy) when it came to it I hated the thought of her been alone outside so I kept her with me .

sayithowitis Sun 16-Aug-09 19:52:37

Riven, Like you, my Dad's second wife refuses to tell us what happened to my Dad's ashes. I have somewhere I can go though, to leave flowers on his special days and Christmas etc. I also visit dear Step Dad's crem.plot on his days. I know neither of them are 'there', but I like to take them flowers. It is almost a need to confirm their existence. In the case of my Dad, his wife has basically eradicated all evidence that he ever existed on this earth, so for me it is important to make sure that there is something somewhere that shows his name and dates, to acknowledge that he was here and was important.

pranma Sun 16-Aug-09 22:08:04

My mum's ashes were scattered on my grandparents, grave.I used to leave flowers at Christmas and Mothers day but we have moved away now and it is 3 years since I visited though I think of her most days.

Extendedssister Mon 17-Aug-09 09:52:34

I think we have always thought about Mum far more than Dad although it is many years since they both died. For some years I used to call in at the cemetery on the way back from shopping as I used to drive right past the entrance and it seemed so rude not to call in. I don't go so often now but I still manage a few visits every year if only to keep the grave clean and tidy. I never bother with Dad's grave in the next row.

I still miss my Mum but I certainly don't think of her every day.

chickybabe Mon 17-Aug-09 14:35:22

Obviously it is a very personal choice and there is no right or wrong....

I also think it depends on burial or cremation. My mam has a plaque in a cemetery in my village, which i visit on her birthday, mother's day and the anniversary of her death, but her ashes are scattered in St. James' park in Newcastle. Its when I go up there to visit family that I feel like I'm really near her. I've always thought if she was buried I would visit more, but I talk to her in my head loads (not mad, just always done it!) so maybe it would have made no difference. Its totally up to you

piscesmoon Mon 17-Aug-09 14:50:02

I think of them all the time but I wouldn't want to visit graves-I don't see the point.They are very interesting from a family history point of view but even then you can't read them if they very old. I don't feel any need to have a place-they are not there.

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