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I don't think dh fancies me and it's making me feel resentful

(22 Posts)
Iamnotanuglyhag Sun 16-Aug-09 10:41:14

Dh and I have been together fifteen years and have a three year old dc.

We hardly ever have sex. Haven't for at least six months. He never acts in a way that suggests he thinks I'm attractive.
We made a big effort to go to bed and not just sleep a while ago- the idea was we'd keep Sundays for an early night. It lasted two weeks and then we slipped back to normal i.e. nothing.

I've seen him looking at me in a judgemental way when I'm getting dressed in the morning or undressed but maybe that's my imagination.

I've asked him about it a few times. Last time I flippantly suggested he'd had his ideas of what women should look like spoilt by media images that women should be skinny and tanned and he agreed.
Maybe he was clutching at straws.

He says that obviously the spark that's there when you're young and have just got together calms down. I agree but I don't think it should fall away to nothing.

I'm in my mid to late thirties and don't want to consign myself to the scrap heap just yet when it comes to sex and feeling attractive.

Objectively I think I've got an attractive face but my body's not great (not majorly overweight but a bit dumpy!)

I am beginning to resent him for this and also if there's the slightest hint he is attracted to someone else (in a perfectly normal way) I can't handle it at all.

We get on well on the whole apart from this and I don't want to consider anything drastic as it would break my little ds's heart but I don't want this feelign that I'm not physically good enough for him forever either.

Advice please!

Iamnotanuglyhag Sun 16-Aug-09 10:44:14

Can I add that even if by some miracle he did jump me now, I don't think I could handle it as it's been so long and I'd feel like it was out of duty on his part and that he doesn't really fancy me.

I waver from thinking there's nothing wrong with me and what's HIS problem to thinking that no-one would fancy me now with my flabby tummy and big tree trunk legs sad

CybilLiberty Sun 16-Aug-09 10:52:01

Do you ever make 'the moves' on him in bed?

nickschick Sun 16-Aug-09 10:53:25

imnot.....can i bravely suggest loving yourself? i dont mean 'self' love blush i mean taking care of yourself spending a bit extra time and money on making yourself feel good- and then finding time to 'talk' to your dh not about sex and relationships about tv about cars anything and then you might find that shared conversation leads to a laugh and makes you more rrelaxed and hey presto .....

Iamnotanuglyhag Sun 16-Aug-09 10:58:51

I have made moves lots of times in the past but always felt rejected as he hardly ever reciprocated. He kind of clams up a lot of the time.

Iamnotanuglyhag Sun 16-Aug-09 11:00:37

Nicks - I don't want to sound like I'm being defensive but I do take care of my appearance (nice hair, nails done, etc. probably not great with underwear though blush)

I don't have a sexy swagger and am more of a practical person with my body language. Myabe that doesn't help.

But how can I truly feel good about myself when I'm being rejected by the man who I want to like me the most?

Iamnotanuglyhag Sun 16-Aug-09 11:01:38

We go out for dinners and do spend quality time together and it makes no difference! He just doesn't seem to be interested in me in that way!

poshsinglemum Sun 16-Aug-09 11:04:22

He shouldn't be foolish enough to judge a real woman by the airbrushed images he sees in the media. Although I believe they are to blame for a huge amount of sexual insecurity.
If I were you I would go to relate and sort it out. If he wont go, mabe you should go alone.
You deserve a sex life.

Iamnotanuglyhag Sun 16-Aug-09 11:09:02

I've put up with this for a long time but it's getting worse and also I am beginning to feel resentful of him - I think that's the most worrying thing. It's always been compartmentalised as an issue but I don't know whether it can stay that way forever and will seep into our relationship generally.

He isn't bothered about having no sex in his life. I'm not that fussed about that as much as wanting to think my husband finds me attractive!

Iamnotanuglyhag Sun 16-Aug-09 11:36:46

Bumping for more advice please.

2rebecca Sun 16-Aug-09 12:05:08

If you do want him to fancy you and think it's because you have a flabby stomach and big legs then why not exercise more. Ask him to look after the kids whilst you go to the gym or go out for a run or something. Is he still slim and attractive. If he's flabby then maybe suggest he does the same, some exercise might get his hormones going.
If you feel unattractive you also need to discuss your relationship though and the fact that you don't feel loved. I think keeping in shape for yourself and your partner is important though, but then I enjoy sport and hate it when I start getting a bit flabby and luckily bloke is the same. You don't have to be in to artificial tans, make up and plastic surgery.

kittywise Sun 16-Aug-09 12:14:48

It is possible that he doesn't fancy you anymore.

Of course that is horrible for you.

I am in the same boat and it is quite soul destroying.

If I were you I would sit down with him and ask him how he feels, what he wants and how he sees the relationship going forward.

There are a million different possibilities as to why he is behaving the way he is but for your own peace of mind you need to find which one it is before you drive yourself crazy second guessing.

JigglyPiggy Sun 16-Aug-09 12:36:03

We have been through something similar and thankfully have worked through it to the point that we are like the teenagers that met years ago blush.

Obviously if you feel you are being rejected constantly this is going to effect how you feel about yourself. Whats more worrying is the sense of resentment you describe. Thats the biggest hurdle to overcome as you are already aware that due to this even if he does make a move you will not reciprocate.

Its very hard to brake that cycle and maybe he is aware of this aswell and is part of the reason why he does not bother.

You will have to address this with him and make it clear the impact it is having on you. I would also second doing things just for you to improve how you feel about yourself. I am no where near happy with my current appearance but I am well aware that it is my attitude and confidence that most effects how attractive DH finds me.

sparkybint Sun 16-Aug-09 12:39:19

This is really hard and I feel for you OP. My marriage after kids was like that and it got to the point where he would even avoid brushing against me accidentally. There were other things wrong too but when I brought it up he used to say things like "we're more like brother and sister". And for the first few years of our relationship the sex was amazing...

18 months after separating I met a man with whom I had the most amazing and intimate sex ever but we split after a year because nothing much else was right about the relationship (I can see now I was on the rebound) but it did give me my confidence back at the age of 51 that I was really desirable. And a good friend has just left her husband because she felt like you do - her husband showed no desire for her but funnily enough was devastated when she said she wanted a divorce. By all accounts he's still madly in love with her and had no idea how utterly miserable she was. But it was too late for them.

So, your H may well still love you (have you asked him?) and have no idea how this is affecting you (what an idiot) but follow Kittywise's advice. Then you can make a decision as to a way forward. And of course you don't want to consign yourself to the scrap-heap, what a daft thought but understandable if you don't feel attractive. I wouldn't lose weight/go to the gym for him either - that won't make any difference. If you want to, do it for yourself that's fine but FGS don't do it for him. There are plenty of men who aren't obsessed with flat stomachs etc. Let us know what you decide to do.

Iamnotanuglyhag Sun 16-Aug-09 14:13:13

The weight loss thing is a tricky one isn't it?
I mean I'm not exactly obese.
I'm a size 10 to 12 and about 5ft1!
But I don't have the best shape - all bum and thighs and not much in the way of boobs!

So yes I could lose a bit more weight - maybe half a stone and that might boost my body confidence and make me more attractive.

But then another part of me thinks our attractions shouldn't be so fickle. We change as we get older. yes maybe if I were obese through laziness rather than a medical condition it would be more understandable (but even then on shaky ground) but it's not like that.

I feel we need to do something as I'm not willing to give up on 'us' over this yet - the question is what and you've given me some hope so far. It's good to hear that you've worked through it Jiggly.

JigglyPiggy Sun 16-Aug-09 14:39:24

Its not just about weight though is it? I had DC2 in may and I had gained so much I was probably bigger than I have ever been and things between us now are better than ever.

when we had our problems I was at my biggest and I think it may have been an issue for DH. But what was killing our relationship was my complete lack of confidence.

I may dislike my body as it is now but I know that constantly trying to hide myself in front of him is a big passion killer. I also remind myself that he should be well aware as to why my body has changed so much afterall he was there at the birth of our two very large babies!

I think you both obviously need to discuss this. Otherwise the resentment builds and you will just reinforce what you believe to be his thoughts on the matter when he may not even be thinking any of this.

You also have to brake the cycle of being fed up of nothing happening and then not taking it at face value if he does intiate.

Making the time together once a week is a good idea but the end goal should'nt just be sex. Is there anything you could do for each other e.g. a massage or simply having a bath/shower together?

Also what was it like when you first met? Talking about the old days or visiting familiar haunts may also help reignite the spark.

2rebecca Sun 16-Aug-09 17:04:05

If you're only half a stone heavier than you were then the weight thing sounds irrelevent. It is probably a confidence thing, but then it's hard to feel confident if you don't feel desirable. If I'm busy I sometimes go off sex a bit and am less affectionate because my head is elsewhere. This will often upset my bloke who will ask if I still find him attractive and still want to be with him (I do as he's gorgeous)
I'd ask your husband these sort of questions and discuss whether you do both want to be together. Sometimes people do fall out of love. I stopped fancying my first husband. His appearance barely changed so it wasn't that. I kept hoping things would change but they didn't. Getting divorced was a good move for both of us as he's now with someone who does love him and fancy him. It often isn't anyone's "fault" when 1 person stops fancying another.
If that is what's happened it's maybe as well to know to decide where to go next.

Iamnotanuglyhag Sun 16-Aug-09 17:29:26

Jiggly that hiding your body thing is so what I do.

I do love him and want to be with him albeit I'd like to change a couple of things!

Gosh I can't imagine dh ever ever saying I look gorgeous. Even if I made all the effort in the world he'd never say that sad

JigglyPiggy Sun 16-Aug-09 19:18:32

Is this a total change in his character? Is the response you are wanting now from your DH something you would have had in the past?
Also how do you react if/when he tries to compliment you? Do you brush it off as if he can't be serious?

Well that would be one way to start the conversation, you could tell him what you would want to change about him and ask him to do the same for you.

This will sound completely mad but I can tell you what turned things around for me. DH wanted me to join him in the shower blush In my head the little voice started to say 'you are not seeing my disgusting fat body naked in broad daylight' but for once i thought no I will do as he asked and I did! Twas the most liberating thing ever!

Iamnotanuglyhag Sun 16-Aug-09 19:42:09

No he hasn't changed much really. It's not been sudden. There has been a slight decline in the wrong direction over the years.

He never really compliments me so there's no reaction going on! Well okay maybe very occasionally but it's never about me - maybe just a "I like that outfit" about once a year!

sayithowitis Sun 16-Aug-09 20:18:19

My DH and I had a drought. Nothing to do with attractiveness, just a few health issues which took time to resolve by which time we had lost the habit iyswim. It took a very frank discussion where I told him I could not live like it anymore. I felt unattractive, ugly etc etc. I was ( and am ) overweight. But he assured me it was not that at all, really was just a lost habit. We started to work on it and as Jiggly says, we too are now more like we were at the beginning. In fact, its better than it was then. My DH tells me he loves me, wobbly bits and all! Even though I still have some weight to lose, he never uses that to make me feel bad and seriously, it has no bearing on how much sex we have.

So, maybe you could send him a suggestive text or two during the day? I sometimes text him from the other side of the living room when we are watching tv with the (teenage) kids. My kids would be amazed if they knew what their dad and I were saying to each other while we are all watching the bill or whatever!

Maybe see if you can get some time to be alone together, even just to walk in the park and hold hands. I know it is not easy with a young child as babysitters are not always available. If you have someone who can look after your LO, could you have a night away? Or even a night at home where you could have a take-away, some wine. Get some massage oil and try using it on each other. I will bet it doesn't remain just a massage.

I find certain smells a real turn on. Maybe there is a perfume that your DH likes you to wear? Scent is a very subtle tool in that it can work without you really knowing it. I know that if I wear a certain perfume then I am definitely in for a good night! And when hubby comes to bed and I get a whiff of a particular after shave, he gets no sleep at all! blush

Anyway, I wish you luck.

nje3006 Mon 17-Aug-09 02:31:54

Good tips from sayithowitis. You say you don't have great underwear. Can you change that? For you if not for H. Great underwear boosts your confidence. For you. And feeling more confident makes you feel more sexy.

If as you say he made a move now you would probably reject him, you need to look at this and figure a way of doing things differently coz that sounds like a downward spiral...

Good luck...

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