Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

If your DH / DP behaved like an ar$e when your baby was born - when did they get back to normal?

(77 Posts)
hanaflower Sat 15-Aug-09 19:18:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

macdoodle Sat 15-Aug-09 19:43:32

Never - my XH was a spoilt brat which only came to light when someone needed more time and attention than him (he didnt care that it was his child)...we never recovered!

sincitylover Sat 15-Aug-09 19:48:44

sorry prob not what you want to hear but never here either.

In hindsight I would have prob tried to go out more alone with h.

Neither of us suggested it tho

Sorry to hear you are having probs

Spaceman Sat 15-Aug-09 19:49:45

Yep; sounds familiar! My DH was a real arse until DD about 16 months, then struggled a bit for a few more months, had a relapse when I was PG with DS, though now has sorted himself out really well (DS is 17 months).

Malificence Sat 15-Aug-09 19:58:38

What makes men behave so appallingly?

It's the most special time of your life as a couple when you have a baby, or it SHOULD be.
When my dd was born, my hubby had a fortnight off and waited on me hand and foot, full cooked breakfast every morning, did all the cooking, washing, ironing etc.
He's always done his fair share regarding childcare and housework and as a result he and our 19 year old daughter have a great relationship, in fact I was always a bit jealous of the fact that he could always settle her down as a baby, possibly because he held her from the minute she was born.
It does seem like a fair share of men have trouble coping at the very time their wives need the most support, you already have one baby to look after, you certainly don't need another!
It's a pity you can't tell what kind of father a man will be BEFORE the event.

whomovedmychocolate Sat 15-Aug-09 20:02:14

DH wasn't quite that bad but I think having spoken to him at length, he felt quite lost and confused as to where he fit in after DD was born. He was scared to pick her up/play with her because frankly I was quite fussy (PFB) and told him how to do everything (I mean, actually it's quite hard to injure a baby using a nappy wipe, he didn't really need me standing over him directing) blush.

I found one thing that helped us was making sure he had time alone with DD and also time alone with me and the time alone as a couple should include a ban on talking about babies!!!!!

BTW it's much easier with the second one. As parents you've already discovered your place the very bottom of the heap and the jockeying for position just doesn't happen IME because you are too knackered wink

expatinscotland Sat 15-Aug-09 20:09:58

'What makes men behave so appallingly?'

Some of them are fuckwits, that's why.

HaggisNeepsnTatties Sat 15-Aug-09 20:12:31

My ex dh was like this so I ditched him....took me 4 years though!! Good Luck...grin

hanaflower Sat 15-Aug-09 20:15:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunfleurs Sat 15-Aug-09 20:28:32

Exh got into a fight that resulted in an investigation that went on for over a year the week after ds was born thus almost completely ruining my first year with ds, he continually disappeared for days at a time and told me that he wanted "more out of life than just being ds's dad". This went on till ds was about 2 (starting to get a bit easier), we had a good year then decided to have another baby, within two weeks of dd being born he started again and never sorted himself out.

We are separated now. I would say I wish I had done it when ds was tiny but then I wouldn't have dd so I don't at all. I went through a lot of heartache though.

Ime if a man behaves in a crap way when his child is born then it is because he is an arse and maybe you just didn't notice it before or made big allowances for him without realising.

hanaflower Sat 15-Aug-09 20:53:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Naetha Sat 15-Aug-09 21:14:52

DH was OK until DS was about 7 months, not bad as such, but not great with me.

Then he fell off his motorbike, and had 3 months off work, and that did the trick. It gave us enough time together as a couple when DS was asleep, and together with DS without work getting in the way.

We've been so much better since, and I think it just reinforces the fact that much more paternity leave is needed to make a family work than two pathetic weeks.

CyradisTheSeer Sat 15-Aug-09 21:32:42

Message withdrawn

Meglet Sat 15-Aug-09 21:37:23

never. We split up after our second child was born as he was unable to stop being abusive and grow up.

lilacpink Sat 15-Aug-09 21:54:34

My theory - girls mature in teens, men only fully mature near mid-life

Dh was often useless in preg onwards, but started to 'improve' when DD was 6mths, better again by 1 year (shes 3 now). I'm 20weeks now and we BOTH know he'll struggle again. Personally when both of them are playing me up (DH and DD), I ask DH to go and play on the PC or go out, and it's often easier to deal with DD (in fact sometimes she's just picking up on his tension/confusion on what to do). This works for us because for the majority of time he's ok-great with DD, and we got on well as a couple now and for years before DD (~10 yrs), i.e. apart from child issues we have no long-term probs.

So - if you love each other deep-down (not neccessarily all the time or to the same level at the mo), and like each other most of the time (minus child issues), he's ok-good with your child a fair amount of time, give him a chance (I'd say 18mths at least, unless unbearably bad), and perhaps give him some chances to take a break (you'll prob find your child easier alone at those stressful times). Also, arrange babysitting time to go to the cinema or for a meal now and then. Even every 3 weeks can make things feel better for blokes - lots are like this and recover!

expatinscotland Sat 15-Aug-09 21:58:41

My husband was 25 when DD1 was born and I was 32.

He was way more mature than any man I'd ever gone out with.

I don't think it has anything to do with age, some people are just arseholes.

Chunkamatic Sat 15-Aug-09 22:07:36

My DP really struggled when we had DS, and I am still a bit resentful of how he affected what I saw, and still see, a very precious time. He thinks the first 6 months were a living nightmare and honestly doesnt think of one positive thing. That hurts me terribly but i've realised now that it is unfair of me to just expect that we would have experienced the same emotions in what is, frankly, a really emotive time.

Anyway, he now has a very good bond with DS (18mths) which I have encouraged by getting them to spend time alone together. It makes DP understand some of vulnerablities when it is him who has to do all of the caring and he becomes a lot more patient.

Like Lilacpink says, if you are confident in your relationship then try and be patient, you can and you will get through it if you want to. It is quite possible that he is experiencing some sort of depression and, however hard it sometimes is, he needs your support too.

Good luck

mamas12 Sat 15-Aug-09 22:22:21

Mine was an arse then and is still an arse now. Something to do with control issues you know.
He is an ex arse now.
It was so horrible that he found no joy in our babies.

macdoodle Sun 16-Aug-09 07:52:38

Another one who resents that my XH affected my first precious year with my DD1 - he even made me go and see my GP because he said there was something wrong with me - in fact the problem was he was such an arse, unhelpful, not loving, had to be forced to spend time with us
My first year with DD2 was revelation because we had split up, and now with new DP even better because he doesnt have to be forced to spend time with us (not even his DC) and doesnt become an arse when they wake him up early

I guess having DC is a test of the marriage and some just fail

PrincessToadstool Sun 16-Aug-09 08:00:55

My DP struggled for a long time after DS was born, but not because he's a wanker, he never once shied away from the responsibility, it just took a while to adjust, and so did I. By three months he was mostly over it but for a longer time I felt almost like he was redundant in my life

So actually it was more about our relationship than DS.

Things improved as we started having more sex, honestly.

macdoodle Sun 16-Aug-09 08:07:13

hmmm great Princess - so he was ok as long as you had more sex hmm

poshsinglemum Sun 16-Aug-09 11:18:28

I think that the first year after having a baby is such a massive upheaval. I had no time for myself, let alone anyone else. I think that just as women have to adjust to becoming a mum, so do men have to adjust to becoming a father. That dosn't excuse shitty behaviour though.

DDs dad was probably best off away from us. I can see now that there was no way that our relationship would have lasted. I hope that yours does though. It's very hurtful that he told you he feels no love. sadMabe he's overwhelmed by fatherhood.

hanaflower Sun 16-Aug-09 12:15:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notevenamousie Sun 16-Aug-09 12:32:54

hanaflower, I don't think I'll be much help to you, but my ex was like this, of initially and more and more difficult, and had to be forced to spend time with us and see dd as anything to do with him. He has intermittently stepped up to his role since we split 18 months ago. He found it hard, sure, but so did I - it became more than I was prepared to live with. It is better to be an actual single mum than totally isolated within your couple parenting.

MaggieBeauLeo Sun 16-Aug-09 12:36:26

I've been there. I felt blamed for everything after dc1 was born. I had to DO everything and on top of that, I had to feel guilty that doing everything was making me tired and boring.

it also made me extremely resentful.

Things are easier as a single mother. MUCH easier. His attitude ruined what could have been a lovely time.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now