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what did u do/how did u feel when u told dh/dp u were preg and he didnt want it?

(14 Posts)
LadyOfTheFlowers Sat 15-Aug-09 09:46:09

sorry to go on, but really am not doin very well here.
our discussion about it all didnt happen last night. he said we should discuss our feelings now he is 'settled' but watched transformers instead.
i am starting to doubt our marriage is any good to be honest - he wont talk to me.
i feel like a total arse for saying i am having the baby and every day that passes feel more alone despite having 2 brilliant friends and a mum who will do all they can. this will be dc4 and i really need him with me.
i feel shocked, hurt and let down by him. this will sound horrendously cheesy but he has always been 'my hero' and its all come crashing down around me - my 'image' of him and my whole world.

rubyslippers Sat 15-Aug-09 09:53:59

i have seen a couple of your threads

the fact he won't talk and will watch a film instead is not good

you need and should have his support - he was party to this situation and he can't just kick back and absolve himself of any responsibility as if it magically happened on its own

why doesn't he want the baby?

i am not surprised you are hurt and angry

there are no easy answers - do you think having the baby will mean the end of your marriage or do you think he may accept the situation

how many weeks are you??

OnlyWantsOneWantsAnother Sat 15-Aug-09 10:03:02

I think you should just let him get on with it, you are married to one another, this is his family, and yes he has a right to a decision over if he has another baby, but that was back when he was impregnating you - not a right over your body now.

I think you should rely on your friends / mum for some support for the time being

LadyOfTheFlowers Sat 15-Aug-09 10:08:02

he does not want the baby because it will be no.4 and in all honesty, he didnt want no.3, but accepted i was preg within a week and was brilliant thru whole preg - best he has been.
i am nearly six weeks, not far. think he will come round, but am really struggling with these feelings at the mo.

last night, while food shopping, he insisted he would push the heavy trolley and lift the puschair etc so i thought he was coming round. then ds3 (8m) started crying last night and he started ranting he 'doesnt want to do all this again, should have got the morning after pill'
i got upset and took ds3 out for walk in pram - he asked me not to go, but i was crying and upset and wanted to get out. he said when i got back we would 'discuss our feelings' but he continued to watch his film instead. i fell asleep, he woke me, nicely, and helped me to bed - no mention this morn and now he is at work.

LadyOfTheFlowers Sat 15-Aug-09 11:04:16

onlywantsone- i didnt see ur msg as was typing again.

i have been trying to just sort of ignore him and let him get on with it, but am finding it so hard.

rubyslippers Sat 15-Aug-09 11:06:12

you can't ignore it

talk tonight - unplug the TV

poshsinglemum Sat 15-Aug-09 11:28:48

I'm sorry you are going through this.

My partner didn't want me to keep my baby and it was incredibly hurtful. I did keep her and sadly lost him.

However, you are in a very different situation as you are married with three children. You need to decide if having a fourth baby will destroy all that. if you are like me it seemed like a loose/loose situation. I would have lost him if I didn't keep her and I lost him because I did. However, once you decide what to do you can grieve and move on.

i would see a councellor quickly in order to decide the best course of action but yes, I can emphasise. It's horribly painful.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sat 15-Aug-09 13:04:01

I haven't seen any of your threads so I don't know how this happened but was it a genuine contraception failure/failure to use any, or was it a pill failure? Did you object to the MAP for some reason, or just think it probably wouldn't happen? Did he know you weren't going to take the MAP?
Sorry, I'm just wondering if there is any way he is 'blaming' you for the pregnancy and thinking that you maybe did it on purpose? (I'm sure you didn't, and don't get me wrong, he's being an arse)
I do and I don't understand his feelings. On the one hand, women get their heads round an unplanned pregnancy much much quicker than a man, and it sounds like he pulled his socks up with the last one (DC3) and the prospect of a DC4 has pushed him over the edge a bit. On the other hand, this pregnancy isn't going away (I assume, don't do anything unless it's what you want), I assume he knew your feelings about termination previously, (whatever they may be) and he should have got himself a vasectomy if it was that important to him. He needs to realise he's going to have another DC and he can't change that. He needs to get used to the idea, but crucially, avoid making hurtful comments to you while he's doing that. As a pregnant woman I'm sure you already feel protective over the foetus and him saying he wishes it wasn't there must be very hurtful. But that is something no man will ever 'get' - no uterus, no concept of what having something growing in it is like.

Basically, I think you need to give him some time and space to get used to the idea, trust that he will come round (sounds like he loves the other DC?) but get him to understand and agree that hurtful comments and bitching is not acceptable. You must agree not to nag him to be excited and happy when he doesn't feel it (yet) and he must agree not to make comments like 'should have used the MAP'.

Maybe show him this thread if it doesn't kick off too much?

2rebecca Sat 15-Aug-09 15:18:01

It is tough for men though when the sole decision as to whether or not to continue with a pregnancy is down to the woman. It's very disempowering. This doesn't sound like much of a partnership. Imagine if you wanted a termination but he was insisting you went through with the pregnancy. You both sound very bad at contraception, agree it's partly his fault and he could have used condoms as well as you being on the pill/ having a coil or whatever you used or had a vasectomy if he really wanted no more kids. You are forcing a child he doesn't want on him though and 4 kids is alot. I'd be unhappy if my husband was able to do that sort of thing to me.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sat 15-Aug-09 16:18:16

Yes 2rebecca but he would never be able to because it's your body that grows a baby. Sheesh. It has happened, she's pregnant, what do you suggest she do? Terminate cos it's not fair on him not to? How is that fair on her?

It's also really rude to say this doesan't sound like a partnership. It sounds like a couple who are struggling over something, there is nothing to say they aren't partners.

You think it's unfair for her to 'impose' this child on him, but what you seem to be advocating is that he impose a termination on her. Is that your idea of a partnership? Woman does what man wants?

slayerette Sat 15-Aug-09 16:27:33

Sorry, I haven't seen you other threads either but do think 2rebecca is very fair in what she says. It's hard to comment without knowing how the pregnancy happened and why the morning after pill wasn't taken if there was a contraception failure - presumably, that was a decision you took together not to take it, in which case your DH doesn't really have a leg to stand on now.

I can see that you are very hurt by his reaction but if he didn't really want DC3, you must have anticipated his reaction to news of this pregnancy?

The main thing to do is to sit down and talk through whether he is going to see DC4 as a 'deal-breaker'; ie will he ask you to choose between him and the baby? At least then you will know where you all stand, rather than enduring weeks of sniping and tears, and will be able to decide how to move forward.

LadyOfTheFlowers Sun 16-Aug-09 21:35:48

Thank you all for posting.

I am a little taken aback at the partnership comment - we were both very shocked - dh still is.

we had our chat about it, he said he had wanted to for some time but needed some time first to think.

ok. so he does not want the baby atm, but that is not to say he will not love the baby in a few months.
he will not insist i have a termination as he feels that is selfish as we knew what we were doing at the time of conception. (he decided to withdraw rather than use anything)

he has told his mother this eve and they were very happy which has in turn made him happier about it (his mothers' thoughts and ideas on things seem to be of major importance - think it stems back to something in his childhood)

all in all, i think all is going to be well.
i knew in my heart we could get thru it, but couldnt see when iyswim? i thought it would be awful for months and would end up with prenatal depression again. (i had this during my first planned pregnancy)

thanks to everyone who has posted.

diddl Mon 17-Aug-09 15:19:35

Hi!
new here!
He´ll probably be more accepting once you start to show and it becoes more real
But forgoodness sake, sort yourselves out contraception wise!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 17-Aug-09 16:24:40

Good

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