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MIL playing the victim and how to deal with it

(7 Posts)
DutchGirly Sat 15-Aug-09 07:15:24

My MIL always plays the victim and it drives me nuts as my OH just doesn't see it.

She has behaved pretty in the pastto the point where OH and I are doing a trial separation and I have been diagnosed with Post Natal Depression AND Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (I kid you not) as a result of OH's disgusting behaviour when our daughter was born.

If you actually confront her with her behaviour she will come up with the following

- I was trying to help
- I have had such a terrible year with my sister dying, my sick friend etc, can we just forget about this
- It was you that invited us (yes we did, as we thought you wanted to meet our baby, we did not think you would constantly breach boundaries)
- And the best DutchGirly has low self esteem so she needs therapy

Yes, I am going to therapy as my life has been turned upside down as a result, however thas nothing to do with self esteeem.

Anybody has some good advice how to deal with it. If MIL just could say I am sorry for my actions and I deeeply regret doing that, I realise I was very wrong and I wont do it again

Instead of I am sorry but I have had a terrible year, I was trying to help and btw it's because you have low self esteem.

DutchGirly Sat 15-Aug-09 07:16:29

Sorry, should have been

She has behaved pretty in the past to the point where OH and I are doing a trial separation and I have been diagnosed with Post Natal Depression AND Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (I kid you not) as a result of OH's family disgusting behaviour when our daughter was born.

piscesmoon Sat 15-Aug-09 08:14:40

I think you have to accept that she isn't going to change. I would let your DH deal with her.

NanaNina Sat 15-Aug-09 11:43:34

Sorry I find your post confusing. What has your MIl actually done? What does "she has behaved pretty in the past" mean.

What was your OH's disgusting behaviour when your daughter was born? How does this relate to your MIL?

You must be at rcok bottom with PND and PTSD - what on earth happened - do you want to say?

rubyslippers Sat 15-Aug-09 11:45:49

i don;t think she is the issue so much as your OH - his behaviour has caused you to have PTSD?

MIL won;t apologise - don't expect her to

use the counselling to deal with the issues you have - this will make it easier to deal with the other things

DutchGirly Sat 15-Aug-09 12:16:19

Sorry about the confusion.

When our daughter was born, Oh's family behaved very badly, I cam home from hospital to a filthy house, poo in the toilet, pubic hair shavings in the bath, mud all over the house, all towels soaking wet on the floor, filthy kitchen, dirty dishes etc courtesy of his sister who stayed in the house whilst I was in hospital. Took us two hours to clear up whilst I was struggling due to blood loss.

MIL organised parties at our home without our consent or knowledge, first thing we knew about it when people started turning up, kept making racist remarks whilst being asked not too, shrunk my delicate cashmere sweaters in the wash despite being told it had to go to dry cleaner and not to touch it, kitchen doors were broken never replaced etc, TV was on for over 10 hours a day with volume up so I could not get sleep, rest etc. I did not get any help from them with the baby, cleaning etc just criticism how I did things, if I sent an email for work related thing (am self-employed) they would scream dto meaughter needed nappy changed of course did not offer to change it for me.

Our dog walker actually felt so sorry for me, he asked if I wanted to stay at this parents (I knew his parents quite well) to get some rest as it was obvious to him, it was far too much for me.

We asked OH's family so many time to please respect our boundaries, in the end I threw everybody out of the home after 5 weeks.

OH never stood up to them really, I was left wandering in the park for over 6 hours with a newborn on my birthday as I could not stand being in the house with them.
There was no birthday card, present or cake, nothing which quite upset me as I thought it was insensitive and rude. I really wanted to go to my friend's house to celebrate my birthday and to get some rest but OH would not take me to the train station and said it was not right to travel on the train for 30 mins with a newborn (no, it is better to be in the park for 6 hours)

Thing is when confronted, OH's family just say that it does not matter as it is in the past, they have had a tough year etc

rubyslippers Sat 15-Aug-09 12:19:20

they all sound awful

change the locks so no-one can get in your house but you and your DH

i cannot believe how they have behaved

your DH needs to grow a pair and tackle his family about their behaviour

and he needs to pull his socks up big time as well

their behaviour does matter as it had such a terrible impact on you

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