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This is very long. I am so sorry.

(6 Posts)
unknown Fri 14-Aug-09 22:39:35

Hi, I have changed my name as I am unsure as to whether my family are on here, so wanted to keep this low key. And sorry I wasn't sure whereabouts was best to put this.

My sister is two years younger than me. We have never got on. I had a rough childhood to say the least. My mum was a single mum, but she use to hit me, push me, kick me, you name it. But never laid a finger on my sister. I never understood why. If we fought, I would get the blame. If my sister did something, I would get the blame. I'm sure you get the picture now.

As the years have gone by, the same sort of relationship is still there. My sister gets away with a murder even now. She uses my mum to pay for her bills and debts. For example, my sister stopped paying her car monthly payments, and got a letter saying that she had a date to pay £4000 for the remainder of the car by or they'll take the car back. The day before the payment was due, she went to my mum asking for the money so mum felt she had to help otherwise sis was screwed.

Another example is that once my sis asked mum to babysit. Mum said she had to work. Sis then blackmailed her into not working just so she could babysit her 4 month old dd by saying she would call her work herself to say mum wasn't going in and that she wouldn't allow mum to see DD etc etc. Mum fell for it naturally.

Sis moved into a flat back in March. She phoned me when she was considering it and asked me about housing benefit. I told her what I knew and she said she was thinking of applying for it as a single parent though she was going to have her DP move in. I told her she wasn't allowed to and what the consequences were. She just waved it off.

Back in June mum confirmed to me that sis was claiming CTC, HB and CTB as a single parent. I told mum that that's illegal and she shrugged at it too. I was outraged. I have been a single parent, and I struggled a lot whilst on benefits (long story) so from knowing what it is like to struggle, I was more than angry to believe she would dare do that whilst her DP is full time working, just so she can go to the gym and still go out drinking angry

I reported it through the online benefit fraud thing there is, but haven't heard if they have done anything, and this was June. Am I being impatient? I have no regrets for doing it, and I would do it again if I had to.

I have so many problems with my family. My mum drives me up the wall. She tries to manipulate DD so she can get her own way. Like saying to DD "oh I'm going to take you to XX on XX" witout checking with me and then if I go against it, I look like the bad guy!

I do have a DP, but he doesn't live with me. He lives in the city and is only home at weekends. He knows of my problems with my family and wants us to move away from our town so I can be far from them. I would love more than anything to do this, but I know we can't afford it any time soon! Plus DD does love my mum, and I know it would break her heart to rarely see her. But my grandma lived hundreds of miles away from us and I saw her twice a year, and that is how I would like it with my DD and mum.

I feel very trapped. I try to be strong and confident, but this does eat me up. I'm not sure even why I posted this, I just needed to get it out

MissGreatBritain Fri 14-Aug-09 23:05:26

Oh families can be such a nuisance, can't they? I think you did exactly the right thing about reporting your sister. As far as moving goes, I would do whatever YOU want to do. If only move, say 50 miles away then your DD could probably see your mum fairly regularly, but she wouldn't be "dropping in unexpectedly". How old is your DD? If she's still quite young then she'll get over not seeing grandma too often. Hope you feel better now you've got it off your chest!

unknown Fri 14-Aug-09 23:32:45

I do feel better thanks. It has been upsetting me the past few days. My DD is 7. Over the summer holidays I have been trying to not see my mum so much, and have really only seen her 4 times which is good considering she lives around the corner. Though she had told DD she would take her to the library on Tuesday when I had already told DD I was going to do that. She said we could go together perhaps. I don't think so.

MissGreatBritain Sat 15-Aug-09 10:56:09

I have had similar problems in the past with my mum. Even though she is lovely and we get on well, she still does the interfering and taking-over thing. For example, for DD's birthday I told mum I was buying her a DS game and my mum bought her one too, which really took the shine off my present I think. DP always complains because he wants to do things like buying DS his first bike - mum got in there first by buying one from a car boot. but I think you just have to put up with this sort of thing if they're doing it for the right reasons (ie not to piss you off but because they love the child). Now that I live half an hour away instead of round the corner, it's much better. Hope you manage to sort things out though.

mrsboogie Sat 15-Aug-09 12:17:12

I know you say you can't afford it but you really should look into moving - some distance would make your life so much easier.

Are you in Council housing? You could do a swap? if you are in private rented accommodation could you do some part time work in term time and save up some money to move? could you move to the city and live with your DP there?

Your mum sounds like she is reaping what she sowed with your sister - I would leave them to it, sounds like they deserve each other.

unknown Mon 24-Aug-09 13:24:51

Sorry for not replying in so long. I went to stay with a friend for a week to get away for a bit.

MissGreatBritain, sounds very much something my mum would do. She doesn't always see how much she affects me I don't think.

MrsBoogie, I do hope to move eventually. I am with a housing association. Not sure how I would find out how to do a swap. I was hoping when I have finished uni I would be able to get a full time job and we can save then move. I think it would be more expensive to move when DP is.

We would like to live together, but it is difficult at the moment. I'm not sure how money would be, as I rely on benefits to help pay the bills. DP doesn't have a great paying job, so I think we would suffer more if we did live together. If he was here, I'm sure she would probably back off, as I think she seems to think I can't cope no matter how many times I explain to her I can.

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