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Has anyone ever confronted the OW? What did you do/say and did it help or make things worse?

(48 Posts)
tiredoftherain Fri 14-Aug-09 11:41:16

After finding out that H's friendship with a colleague had crossed the line a couple of weeks ago, I've been fighting the urge to contact her. I have a couple of texts she sent from her phone, so know for sure that she was making a play for H, following her own marriage breakdown.

I will probably never know exactly what went on, and H denies any physical contact, I genuinely think it was more the start of an emotional affair which was caught in the early stages, but may well have progressed to more if her XH hadn't acted on his suspicions.

H has to work with this woman in an office of about 50 people, a long way from where I live. I will probably never have to see her again unless I visit his work for some reason. When it came out I wrote a long mail to her which I never sent, and am glad of that now! I do feel some need to contact her though, I've met her after she once came to our house for a meal (she seemed nice but seemed to be sussing me out), and know that while I was away for a weekend at a family funeral she brought her dc to my house (hundreds of miles from hers) and spent the day out with H and our children. This makes me livid beyond belief, although H had told me about it at the time, I had no idea the friendship had become "blurred" at that point or I would never have let it happen.

H and I are still deciding what we want to do, and are in counselling. Would you contact her? Will it bring any satisfaction to tell her what I think of her or should I just leave well alone? I don't expect to find out any more details, or get any reassurance, but it doesn't feel right that she can just crawl back into the woodwork without hearing from me at all.

overweightnoverdrawn Fri 14-Aug-09 12:01:45

I think keep your dignity (sp) seriously I think she will be wondering if every time the phone rings wether it will be you phoning her . Hold your head up high and remember Karma .

tiredoftherain Fri 14-Aug-09 12:06:09

I know you're right, but I'm practically having to sit on my hands at the moment. We have a mutual friend on FB, and I know her work email so it would be easy. What I might do is change my FB pic to a family photo..

Tortington Fri 14-Aug-09 12:06:55

tbh - in your situation, i would have asked dh to leave ( blurred friendship is dh speak for fucking guarenteed)

after i shut the door i would not speak to him again ever - he would be dead to me.

i would not lower myself to speak to her.

however as you are trying to make this work. my condition would he that he change jobs or move within the company.

although many people have before written that its not that simple.

it is.

if i wanted it to work - it just couldnt with him working with her - my mind would be on overdrive.

so that would be my condition

if it meant moving, negative equity, children moving schools and i wanted my marriage to work.

i would do it

randomtask Fri 14-Aug-09 12:13:33

I wouldn't confront her as it'll just make you angry and not solve anything.

Plus I would know that she'd be panicking I'd contact her and forever in fear.

I would be tempted to visit your DH at work though and be very friendly to everyone, just to see the colour drain from her face.... But then I'm slightly wicked. grin

FlightHattendant Fri 14-Aug-09 12:23:26

I think the family photo thing isn't going to do much, tbh - she'll just see it as you trying desperately to prove he is loyal to you, which she knows, sadly, that he isn't sad or wasn't, should I say.

In fact there's not a lot you can do. What do you want to achieve? There are ways to frighten her, to make her feel bad, but none of them is going to make you feel better iyswim. Feel the anger, be angry, yes of course but if you try and throw it back at her it probably won't help.

It will fade
It will get less important

You'll be glad you didn't do anything stupid.
After all, it is him who betrayed you, not her. She shouldn't have met you, of course. But it's terribly sad, mostly - that he chose to offer to her something he had already given to you.

She is probably sorry already. Usually a woman who is desperately lonely and low enough to accept the advances of a married man, is just that - desperately lonely and low. No self esteem and nothing much to lose.

Sorry you're feeling so awful sad

LoveBeingAMummy Fri 14-Aug-09 12:27:13

What would you say to her?

BenignNeglect Fri 14-Aug-09 12:33:01

If you want her to be unnerved - don't contact her. When people have it out (whether publicly or privately) both parties tend to feel some sort of closure to the matter. If you don't give her that, she'll spend months and months worrying instead.

If I were you, I'd probably focus on dealing with your husband instead.

bathcat Fri 14-Aug-09 12:36:17

I would be very wary of contacting her and I don't think it would do you any good. If you want to forgive you husband and try to move on then its all about you and him now.

You are probably furious at her, but your anger is misdirected. You need it be her fault so you can forgive him - if she had'nt made a play for him then none of this would have happened etc - but he's the one you are married to and he's the one who overstepped the mark.

She's probably just as upset, hurt, angry and confused as you are. She will already know what you think of her and she's just been dumped by someone who probably told her he loved her and wanted to be with her.

Mumfun Fri 14-Aug-09 13:09:08

I havent contacted mine.

I wonder if Ive done the right thing but it fel right in the immediate aftermath of finding out and I havent changed it.

I was told that the best message to her would be the reestablishment of a happy marriage and that is what I did look to do. Sadly it hasnt worked.

I do know her and know that several friends have dropped her but others still see her.I am sure she would be wary of meeting me - it still may happen as we live in same city, have some same friends and same pastimes.

When I read that back it is yucky that we are still so closely connected - but I cant do anything about it.

bathcat Fri 14-Aug-09 13:22:49

I had an affair with my ex. I wouldn't talk to his wife if she contacted me. I don't know what he has told his wife about what happened between us, but I strongly suspect that he's been economical with the truth. I definitely know there are things I know about in the past that she doesn't know about.

So why don't I want to talk to her ? He's chosen to stay with her. I don't want to say anything that might jeopardise that. Last thing I want now is for them to split.If staying with her makes him happy then so be it. I have to respect that.

Also, part of me is angry with her - I know this is irrational and its him I'm actually angry at - but the temptation to hurt her to get at him would be immense. And unfair and cruel.

So its best all round if none of us speak to each other ever again.

macdoodle Fri 14-Aug-09 14:07:43

okey doke then here goes - I confronted the OW/spoke to her a few times - said what I needed to say, sent her afew texts and a letter!
Did it help, hmmmm - well TBH the marriage was fucked anyway - the affair was the final straw really
Did it make me feel better, hmmm not sure really, at the time yes it did, but as time goes on no I regret that I let her into my life AT ALL!
She showed herself to be as much a manipulative self centered liar as him, and by alking to her I gave her (and him) even more ammunition to paint me as the mad bad one!

If I am honest, part of me is glad that I did, at least for me, I know I told the truth and somewhere in the back of her head (as much as she is obsessed with and believes him), she knows that its not me, that he is and always will be a liar and a cheat and I hope that it eats her alive!

Did it make her feel bad, no I very much doubt it, I really dont think she gave me or my DC a second thought at all!

Am not sure what the answer is TBH, if you really feel the need to do it then I would do so, with the awareness that it probably wont help, may make you feel better in the short term but you'll probably regret it later on!

Size6Feet Fri 14-Aug-09 14:40:35

I went to see the other woman at her works. She was just walking across the yard so no one else heard. Just 2 ladies talking. I felt quite angry with her but resisted the temptation to run her over. I stayed in the car too as that enabled us both to feel --'safe' from a cat fight-- . She wouldnt say how long it had been going on for (I suspected about a year at that time). I told her all the things that I knew and she was able to confirm some stuff for me too. He had been selective in what he'd told her, obviously to put himself in a better light.

I was glad that I had spoken to her. It enabled me to see that other side of my h that I wasnt aware of. I now know he can tell lies to my face, justify every wrong thing he does, feels hard done by, oh - and he finds my cooking boring (yes I did believe her when she told me this because of some other details she mentioned).
I'm stuck with him in this house but I dont cook for him any more - or wash his clothes, etc. There are many twists to my story - they say real life is much better than fiction.
They fell out, he hadnt left home so he stayed, he got testicular cancer (cured)I looked after him. I wrote to her, her almost divorced H read it and apparently it put new life into him they decided to stay together and not sign a decree absolute!! Bloody marvelous.
Oh, by the way she was married to my h for just 2 yrs, many years ago, when they were both 20yrs old.

crokky Fri 14-Aug-09 14:58:31

tiredoftherain - I wouldn't contact her or change your fb photo. Put all your energy into fixing your marriage (if you want to fix it). She knows how easy it would be for you to contact her - she is the wrongdoer, not you so don't sink to her level. Nothing you could say to her would change anything. Let her keep wondering whether you will contact her.

FlightHattendant Fri 14-Aug-09 15:21:28

Yes I do think often the OW feels really shit, as well...usually a bloke WILL say 'Yes we have something really special, I'm thinking about YOU all the time, you and me, I just have a feeling about us' kind of shite...or 'I love her, (the wife) but it isn't the's as though I don't exist, but when I am with you, it's the whole package...' or similar very enticing (well if she's naive/desperate) kind of stuff. It makes her think he loves her more, and is just waiting for the right moment to end things as peacefully as possible with his wife, whom he still 'respects' or whatever hmm so that he and you can run off into the sunset and be happy forever.

It's hard to believe anyone believes it, but they do - I did once. Totally trusted him. I was wrong of course, and as soon as he was free from the marriage he went off and married some other poor bird. It was devastating, because blokes who are capable of such grand deception don't reserve it for the wife. They're lying to everyone and making everyone think they're special. They are often very good at it sad

I know it's wrong if you know someone has wife, of course it is. But it can take one hideous experience to actually believe it, when it's you and you just are massively in love. I'm sure it hurts the wife far, far more though. sad

messalina Fri 14-Aug-09 15:30:23

Does she have a rabbit? You could pop over to her house and boil it. I know it's meant to be the crazy mistress who does it, but it's still a good idea. Just be careful you don't get any restraining orders put on you, though. Then the witch would really have the upper hand. Flippancy aside, I would be hopping mad with rage. I think I would leave DH if he ever strayed and ensure I got custody of the children, but it seems you are a more measured type. Don't contact her though - she'll just tell him and it will make you seem desperate. You could cut out letters one by one from a newspaper though and send her a theatening letter...

countingto10 Fri 14-Aug-09 16:00:25

I often dream of going around to OW's house in dead of night and writing "whore" or other such gem in weed killer on her lawn grin but I won't because I have the upper hand atm, she sent me vicious texts and I did not respond - must have annoyed the hell out of her ......

randomtask Fri 14-Aug-09 16:25:33

Oooo good work Countingto10. You can't beat that feeling of 'rising it above it all' and being the better person to somebody nasty.

tiredoftherain Fri 14-Aug-09 16:59:09

I think it's an itch I really can't scratch isn't it? I changed my FB photo but only to a picture of the dc's, she will see that every time she looks and that's enough. I told H I was considering contacting her, so if he's passed that on then she may well be expecting contact. I'll leave it that way.

Thanks everyone for your views, and bathcat, it's really interesting to hear a perspective from the other side. I think she is probably struggling with all this, H has sent some clear signals in reducing his time away from home so he's there the bare minimum, so whatever she anticipated happening, he certainly hasn't run into her arms even now she's left her H.

I know in other circumstances OW and I may well have got on well and even been friends so I can't demonize her as it's not one sided. I also would not know what to do or say that wouldn't a) make myself look vulnerable and silly b) make any real difference to her. It would be misdirected anger, but God, it's tempting right now..

StirlingTheTired Fri 14-Aug-09 18:59:44

I felt exactly as you do now but I am so glad I didn't ever speak to her (nearly 2 yrs ago now).

Others are right, as time goes by she will become less and less important and you will be so glad you didn't lower yourself to her level.

I know this sounds funny, but have been doing boxercise and it is a fantastic way of getting rid of anger and picturing someone and imagining you are punching them - I love it and it really helps smile

FlightHattendant Fri 14-Aug-09 19:04:09

Yes I think revenge like the weedkiller thing probably won't achieve much...bad karma for you, and more nastiness in the world...and it's unlikely to affect her.

If she did it in a nasty way, she's obviously just nasty and it won't change that. She'll feel vindicated seeing you behave badly iyswim - like she was right to be horrid to you in the first place.

And if she didn't mean you any harm (often the case) it'll make her feel terrible but she still did what she did for some reason, and it won't change that it's pointless.

If it helps you feel better then sure, there's something to be said for releasing anger I think. But I generally blame the man - having been on both sides of it. I've never really felt that badly towards the woman he took off with after me. I think he was a tosser and a liar, she was just incidental and maybe she can handle him better than I could. Feel a bit sorry for her tbh.

DivaSkyChick Fri 14-Aug-09 20:11:30


Continue to fantasize, Tired, as long as you like. You do NOT need to feel sorry for the bitch.

Doesn't anyone have any good stories of revenge to share? grin

DivaSkyChick Fri 14-Aug-09 20:11:59

(no offense flight)

TheMailIsShit Fri 14-Aug-09 20:24:24

None taken grin

Long time ago now...lesson learnt

bathcat Fri 14-Aug-09 21:10:13

Tired - you are welcome. I'm glad its been helpful for you. I know opinions from the other side are not always well received and understandably so.

Flight - your first post sums it up so well. Looking back now, I can't believe I fell for all that crap too. But like you I trusted him 100%. Well, that's my trust in human kind shot to buggery then. Lesson learnt.

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