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I really need someone just to talk to about my sexlife anyone know any free counselling services?

(9 Posts)
MyDifferentName Thu 13-Aug-09 12:46:09

I just don't know what to do anymore, basically dh is fed up with constantly feeling rejected because he wants more sex than I do, I've tried making the effort but he says he can tell I don't really want to be doing it and then would rather not if I'm not enjoying it too. But then we're back to the original problem. I just don't know what to do, I usually talk to my mum about any problems but really don't want to go into this one with her. I don't have any RL friends I can talk to and I just want to chat to someone because its just getting on top of me.

Does anyone know any counselling services I can just ring, I looked at relate but its so expensive, we have no money at all and are already in a lot of debt. Thanks

Malificence Thu 13-Aug-09 13:21:40

One of the mainstays of sex therapy is to actually make the effort when you're not in the mood and agree on a certain number of times per week etc.
If he's pestering you daily then it's no wonder you're not interested - what would satisfy him - twice a week/three times? If he's "needing" sex every day then he's being unreasonable.
If you do make the effort, do you actually enjoy the sex or do you lie there waiting for it to be over? Is he a good lover?
You can up your libido by having lots of sex and orgasms - it's true that the more you have the more your body craves. If sex isn't fun anymore then perhaps you can spice things up a bit?
Apart from the obvious reasons of tiredness/ depression, lack of opportunity etc. a lack of intimacy normally indicates relationship problems - do you feel he's only "nice" to you when he wants sex, is he attentive and loving ALL the time, even when you've rejected him?
I had little interest in sex for most of my 30's - kids / shift work etc. they all get in the way and my poor hubby was lucky if he got sex twice a month, he never , ever complained though as he just accepted that it was how things were.
I'm now in my 40's and he's the one who occasionally isn't in the mood for sex , the 1st time he said no I was devastated, how ridiculous is that? We just assume that men never turn down the offer of sex but of course they do
Communication is the key here - an honest talk with him that you are unhappy with the situation too should start the ball rolling with ideas on how to solve this, just a simple thing like him doing the dishes while you have a nice bath and put on some sexy undies, it works wonders for the way you feel - if you don't feel that you are sexy, you will wonder how on earth he could possibly fancy you etc. and it will detract from the enjoyment you should be having.
Fantastic sex is the glue in a marriage, just as important as children etc. But it's only WHEN you have a fabulous sex life that you realise just how important it is, 10 years ago I would have put sex at the very bottom of my priorities and I stil feel guilty about depriving us both of that intimacy for so long.
You need to find a compromise, a happy medium.

GentleOtter Thu 13-Aug-09 13:25:34

Relate can offer a sex- councilling service and I think it is paid via a donation.

MyDifferentName Thu 13-Aug-09 16:21:30

Malificence thanks for the thoughts, in answer to your questions; It's not that hes pestering me daily, he knows I don't want it daily although I think he would be happy with that. But for example I know if we have not had it the day before he will be hoping to that day and if it doesn't happen will be disappointed. I can tell because he's slightly different the next day, like he doesn't want to complain but is a bit pissed off. We have just agreed to two times a week which makes me happy and he says he can live with (but I don't get the impression hes overly happy with it.)

If I do make the effort I find it really really hard to get into, let alone relax enough to orgasm but yes he is a good lover, he is considerate and generous and always thinks of me. I just can't relax because I don't really want it and then I clam up on the inside and it goes round and round.

I don't feel like he is only nice to me if he wants sex, he often says he wishes we cuddled more etc and I do try but I'm just not a very tactile person and I tend not to think about it and then he thinks I'm being cold. For ages we will go along and he'll be great and not complain when I don't want sex and we naturally fall into having it once or twice a week and its good and I enjoy it but then every now and again it will all start up again how he feels like he needs it more and how he cant go on like this for the rest of time.

I just don't know what to do, this week I've really tried to make the effort every other day thinking that if I did it more I would want it more and also he would be happier but I don't want it and he can tell and now its worse than when were just plodding along. I cant help it, I'm 24, I've got two dc under 3 and although I dont work I just feel worn down after a day of constant wingeing and moaning and no adult conversation. He says he understands that but I dont think he does. We're stuck in a rut financally at the moment, we'd be worse off if I worked so I can't do that. I just have all these things that like you sex has gone to the bottom of my list.

However, I don't want this to be the case but I don't know how to change it. Sorry for the rambling, it feels good to write it all down.

GentleOtter I will look into it thanks.

Thunderbird4 Thu 13-Aug-09 21:52:49

you need to get this sorted. "Communication is the key" and "Sex is the glue in any marriage" are so, so true.
DW and I have had the problem that you're describing for years and it's gradually got worse and worse to the point that we've had a sexless marriage for many years and we're on the verge of seperating.
Where we struggled was to get a joint agreement to go to councelling. By the time we agreed, it was too late.
I love DW and DS dearly, but am about to lose both because the relationship has been neglected 'and the glue has gone' for so many years.
Relationships are difficult at the best of times, but when the physical side breaks down it's a downward spiral to the floor.
Please, please don't get yourself into the same situation as we have. Keep communicating, go out together, watch some DVD's together, have a romantic night in. Whatever you need to do, do it. The secret is in compromising together.

Malificence Thu 13-Aug-09 22:50:03

Nobody tells you that having children, especially so close together, is the ultimate passion killer in a relationship, mainly due to exhaustion. Are you getting enough sleep?
If you can support each other and compromise you can tough it out and come through the other side.
Does he realise how tough it is with two young kids? Is there any chance of time together, just the two of you without the kids? Date nights are a great idea for keeping intimacy alive and you getting dressed up and making an effort will stop you feeling like a dull "housefrau".

I was never very tactile either, never went in for hand holding or cuddling much - you can change because I've done it, yes it's awkward at first but touch is vital in a relationship, it promotes intimacy and releases feel good chemicals in your brain, it's more satisfying than chocolate, I can tell you that!
You're not "just" a mum, you're a sexual being and you both deserve a good sex life, it is important, so is the need for him to understand you and how you feel.

QuintessentialShadows Thu 13-Aug-09 22:54:53

I am almost hesitant to post as you are getting such good and insightful advice already. But I always found that lettuce is really increasing my libido. I find that a large salad with plenty of leafy lettuce etc a day keeps the husband very happy, and me very keen. I dont know why, but it seems to work. blush

rasputin Thu 13-Aug-09 23:00:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumof2222222222222222boys Thu 13-Aug-09 23:02:39

I don't know if all PCTs offer counselling, but we saw a lady via GP for a few sessions. She was ok...and it was free. We had to wait a while though.

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