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What would you do if DH was very stressed and did this?

(14 Posts)
daisydip Wed 12-Aug-09 23:04:31

ok brief rundown of contributing factors.

DH - works long hours, works weekends too, Has an father in Hospital recovering from Cancer treatment, and lives hours away from them, so can't offer them the support he or they want. Does nothing round the house, no cooking, no cleaning, no ironing - DIY when has enough time

Me - fulltime SAHM, to 3 boys under 3 1/2 yrs, youngest being 4 months. Stressed out from pressure of holding down the fort or trying and failing to do it as well as i would like. Does all the housework, cooking cleaning etc. Have asked DH for help with children or house, not loads just a bit to ease pressure, DH said he can't do anything at the moment, depsite nodding off on the sofa at 9pm every night.

Last night was on the phone to my mom, Dh was at her house and came home (while i stayed on the phone to her) with me agreeing to order takeaway for tea and him collect on way back.
I ordered it, but stayed on phone and ignored calls from him asking if i'd ordered it as i was talking to mom and had already told him i'd do it.

DH arrives home minus the takeaway - furious! that i didn't answer the phone, told me i only care about myself and everyone else, not him. despite the fact that in the last 4 months i have managed on my own with 3 gorgeous but hard work children, recovering from csection, arranging childcare so i could drive 3 hours if needed to do hospital run for in laws. 2 weeks after c-section agreed he could go to his parents to support them for a few days rather than support me, who couldn't even lift our toddlers!!! Grrr feels good to let this out.

He then storms out the house to collect take away comes home furious still, flings takeaway across the lounge, spilling it. Then proceeds to hurl abuse at me, calling me a f*ing bitch for not caring enough to answer the phone. telling me i'm too lazy to get off my fat arse etc. telling me the house is a tip, knowing full well that the doctor offered me anti-depressants last week, due to one small part of my low feelings being the fact i can't keep the house tidy quick enough without neglecting the kids
He's never verbally abused me like this before, has called me a bitch before in temper. He does have a short fuse, and knows tht i won't argue back because it makes him worse, so he says things on purpose to provoke me to argue. I resisted and told him that talking to me that way was well out of order. He said he didn't care.
he finally broke down and burst into tears. i told him he needed to get himself sorted out. he doesn't accept my offer of going to doctors etc, won't face his issues.

Now i know he is under extreme pressure at work, and with his dad being ill and mum needing so much support, which he can't give. He doesn't make any time for himself. I know that his reaction is down to him bottling it all up, then taking it out on his nearest and dearest....

But - there is no way i want to be treated this way. he's away tonight but home tomorrow. we haven't discussed it because the kids were within earshot this morning, he gave me a brief apology, then carried on as though nothing had happened, i was short and quiet with him.
I know he needs my support right now, and i have done all i can not to add any extra pressure to his life. I don't get help with bathtime, bedtime, feeding, dressing, entertaining, any part of the boys lives, and i rarely ask for it because i know it adds to his load.

I suppose my question is, do i confront him when he comes home tomorrow and try to talk it out, or do i let him go as a moment of stress??

SparklyGothKat Wed 12-Aug-09 23:09:53

Has he done this before? sounds like stress has got too much for him and it all came out. I take my stress out on DH at times

Tortington Wed 12-Aug-09 23:11:56

he needs treatment or a lifestyle change - so i would make that a condition of whatever you discuss

bubblepop Wed 12-Aug-09 23:13:36

i'd wait for him to calm down an come to you

cathcat Wed 12-Aug-09 23:16:35

You are both under a lot of pressure. I think confronting him will not help at lot, if it is confrontational IYSWIM. Instigate a chat with him and remind each other that you need to take care of each other to help get through this tough time.
Can you get more help at home from somewhere else? What about employing a teenager on holiday looking for a job helping out around the house. (I have one and she is fab)

SolidGoldBrass Wed 12-Aug-09 23:17:52

Well it sounds like you are both under a lot of stress right now. And though his tantrum was childish, it is very annoying to have someone ignore your phone calls when you need to check information with them, espeically when you know perfectly well that they are ignoring you.
If you;re both stressed and depressed, you both need help and you both need some time out each week. If your budget won't run to a couple of hours of childcare/babysitting once a week are there any friends or relatives nearby who could help out? Just so each of you gets at least an hour a week of child-free, chore-free time (not to 'be a couple', right now that would just be more pressure, but to be your individual selves and to do lazy, self-pleasing things, whether that's a hobby or a walk round town or meeting up with a friend).

blinks Wed 12-Aug-09 23:23:01

i would find it very hard to forgive this, personally.

my general feeling from your post is that your relationship isn't very equal.

i would be wanting direct change or i'd be discussing the potential end of this relationship.

you need more help and he needs to prioritise your needs more.

verbal abuse is a serious issue that shouldn't be minimized. there's a difference between calling someone an arse in the heat of the moment. quite different to call the mother of your children such pointedly horrible names.

he's put you in a horrible position.

wrinklytum Wed 12-Aug-09 23:29:31

I think you are both very stressed.

I would give him time to cool off to see if you can both get togetheer and talk.

You both have so much on.

He sounds like he is at the end of his tether,and whilst it was awful of him to treat you as he has he sounds like he is really struggling to cope at the moment.

Is there any way you can get soe child free time and go out together and talk calmly?

dittany Wed 12-Aug-09 23:34:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamas12 Wed 12-Aug-09 23:38:51

Being a parent 'adds to his load'
I would have thought that being a dad right now would help him enormously.
So can't he take the dcs out for a walk to the park, get him to lighten his load by being with them.
It's tough for both of you but NO WAY you deserve to be spoken to like that.
It is unacceptable and I hope you continue to tell him so.

SixtyFootDoll Wed 12-Aug-09 23:43:53

I think you were a bit off to ignore his calls and I wold have been pissed off by that.
He is obv stressed as are you.
He needs to have sometim out form work and spend it with you and the kids,

Heated Wed 12-Aug-09 23:47:35

I think this has shown just how stressed you both have become at what would be a very trying time for any couple and you owe it to yourselves to be kind to yourselves and each other. What you need to cling to is that this time will not last forever.

When the dcs are in bed and with a glass of wine or three, have a non-confrontational talk about how you can both make life a bit easier.

sandcastles Wed 12-Aug-09 23:52:46

I would say that ignoring his calls was a rude thing to do. How hard would it have been to put mum on hold for 5 seconds to say 'yes, dear...food ordered, see you in 10"? I do understand how, in the current climate, he could have seen this as uncaring.

He sounds like he is under alot of pressure & maybe this was the final straw? Saying that, I don't really see an excuse for what he said or did...but I do see the breaking down & bursting into tears a sign that he is being pushed more then he can cope with at the moment.

And it sounds like you resent him for not helping, but at the same time you admit that you are trying not to add extra pressure on him (so I assumne that you haven't asked him to help you). Therefore I do feel that you need to either accept that he isn't helping due to this or you tell him that you need help.

Then broach the sibject of him seeing someone for his recent behaviour.

brimfull Thu 13-Aug-09 00:08:50

I would have been very pissed off if you had ignored my call s aswell.

He has apologised for calling you horrible names albeit sheepishly .Have you apologosed for ignoring his calls.

He is stressed,you are stressed.You need to both recognise this and cut each other some slack.

I def don't think it warrants discussing the end of the realtionship as someone posted.
It is a very stressful time in your life and marriage and these arguments are part of that.

Can you afford to have a cleaner once a week to help you keep on top of the housework.
I know how a house in a tip can be so stressful and depressing.

If I were you I would talk to him calmy as you have here and acknowledge each others stress.
Don't make it into a competition about who has the most stressful life and who does the most .

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