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negative patterns in a relationship - fight or flight?

(12 Posts)
blahdiblahblah Wed 12-Aug-09 18:56:22

When DH is stressed / working too hard / trying to give up smoking/ <insert tough time here> - he becomes so vindictive and nasty and takes all his frustration out on me - ends up with him yelling at me, calling me all sorts of terrible things etc.
He then says things like he wishes he wasn't married to me or some other choice thing which makes me feel like a pile of poo.
Then when HE feels better, he will say it is stress and I should know when to walk away etc etc...
He doesnt talk to anyone else like this so it must be because of me (this is what he says!)

It is all about him and his situations, and how he feels.
I am trying to get the strength to leave, but deep down inside don't want to - between these cycles things are pretty good and we get on well, have fun together etc etc but the more it happens the less I feel for him. But I LOVE having my little family
I desperately want another baby (DS is 3) but am I being an irresponsible parent if my son sees this kind of disrespectful behaviour? SO I should not even consider another baby?

Can these patterns be broken - or is it a case of I must either accept it or leave? (ie: no point moaning about it)

nje3006 Wed 12-Aug-09 20:10:02

It's not b/c of you, it's b/c you put up with it whereas no-one else would. He gets away with it with you.

We show people how to treat us. You're still there, there are no consequences for his behaviour so no incentive on him to behave differently.

You can't change how he behaves but you can change how you react. Simply walk away the second he raises his voice. Say calmly "I won't put up with being spoken to like this." and leave. Then when he's calmed down tell him that that kind of behaviour is not acceptable, he's setting a really bad example to his children of how to deal with stress.

Not wanting to be harsh but you are also teaching your ds how men can treat women. That is not good. you have a responsibility to ds as a parent so yes, sadly, I think you are being an irresponsible parent.

And no I do not think you should consider another child with a person who cannot control his emotions.

FWIW I do think the pattern can be broken but you have to show him by your actions what is acceptable and what is not...

blahdiblahblah Wed 12-Aug-09 21:46:43

thank you for your very candid response.
I think you are 100% right
The thing about me teaching DS how to treat women has really hit home, this is exactly what MIL did

I think it is too late to change this now, sadly. He has just said too many nasty things to me, and I dont think I can get over it.

I have done a lot of thinking since I posted my OP, and I have come to the conclusion that he doesn't love me, that is the bottom line. You can't look someone you love in the eye and tell them that they are fat and ugly.

Even if they are.

mrsboogie Thu 13-Aug-09 00:12:37

no, you can't. Because even if they were fat and errrr not conventionally attractive you would still think they were beautiful because you loved them.

He might love you but he has a funny way of showing it. He says these things because he knows how much they will hurt you. Doesn't that say it all?

He takes his stresses out on you because you put up with it and he wouldn't get away with it from anyone else. How wrong is that? you are the one he is supposed to love and respect above all others. sad

You recognise that this abuse comes in cycles so you know that the happy family scenario is always going to be shattered by his nastiness. How can you live like that? Is that all you and your son deserve?

I'm sorry but the happy family thing is just a façade because of his disrespectful behaviour.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 13-Aug-09 00:24:21

While I sometimes think that some people have appallingly high expectations of others - it isn;t the crime of the century to get angry and show it, particularly when a person is under considerable stress - there are kind of lines you don't cross. Verbally tearing lumps out of someone just for existing (as opposed to complaining when the person you are angry with has, erm, actually done something wrong) is not on.
Also, you say your H does this a lot, ie there is always some different type of 'stress' excuse, that's not on either. If an otherwise well-behaved, well-disposed person is under intense pressure (bereavement, redundancy, serious health issue) and gets a bit snarly, that's one thing - a person who regularly decides that having been queue-jumped in the off-license or having a hurty ingrowing toenail is this week's reason for spitting the dummy and baying at family members all weekend, is quite another. He needs to be told to get a grip, that it's not acceptable, and he shoudl find other ways of dealing with his stress: you are not a human stressball.

blahdiblahblah Thu 13-Aug-09 10:30:33

I just feel sick to the pit of my stomach.
I have been down with flu for the past week and feel physically and emotionally whacked and could really do with a kind word!

yukkymummy Thu 13-Aug-09 11:12:56

You poor thing - sounds like you desperately need some counselling sessions so you can get an objective perspective on this and that will help you feel stronger so you can make the changes necessary?

queenofdenial2009 Thu 13-Aug-09 16:46:18

Sadly I know your situation too well as I lived it for seven years. I left recently and things have been so much better for both me and DD.

The important thing is you recognising what's really going on and not believing it like I did. It's a big deal and you might just want to sit with the thoughts for a while before facing the heavy stuff such as leaving. Even recognising it makes it lose its power.

Mumsnet is a huge support and I've seen people post on here while they go through it and get up to leaving. Also Women's Aid are hugely helpful. The run a programme called the Freedom Programme which you might want to consider looking into it.

Good luck and let us know how it's going for you and DS.

nje3006 Thu 13-Aug-09 17:36:58

Hang in there. Try and look after yourself for a bit, give yourself a bit of TLC. ((hugs))

Supercherry Thu 13-Aug-09 18:34:39

He doesn't talk to anyone else like this, blahdiblahblah, because he is in full control of his behaviour and he chooses to be abusive towards you only. In the workplace, or with friends, it wouldn't get him very far would it? He is abusive because that is who he is, it's not your fault. Don't let him confuse you into thinking he is abusive because of something you have done.

Essentially, there is nothing you can do to change him. He can choose to change but he needs a seriously big attitude adjustment. It's unlikely, IMO, but not impossible.

I am currently reading 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft and it is all about angry, abusive men, it's really helping me make sense of my own experiences with abusive men. I think it could help you.

I am sorry that you are going through this.

blahdiblahblah Fri 14-Aug-09 21:36:19

Thank you, I will try and get a copy.

TheDMHatesMe Fri 14-Aug-09 23:06:55

Blahdiblad - I just wanted to say that you and your DS will still be a lovely family even if you do split up with your DH.

My XP was a bit like this and said some shocking things to me in the course of arguments - mostly I think because he was frustrated and felt trapped.

Since we have split, I feel so much happier and more confident (and I am a pretty strong independent person, so I am surprised to find that the relationship had brought me down so much). DD and I have such a happy home life now, as I don't have to worry about anyone else's moods.

Funnily enough, I also get on much better with XP, and we have a far more respectful relationship.

Not saying that you should leave your H, but I just wanted to say that family life can still be very happy even after a relationship has broken down.

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