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DP just walked out on me and our 2 week DD - very long, sorry.

(165 Posts)
SheWillBeLoved Wed 12-Aug-09 15:46:25

Because I had a moment of hormonal weakness and searched for some of his usernames on a swinging website that I have asked him to leave before.

He joined again, 3 months ago, claiming to be single and looking to meet with women. Full profile completed, complete with pictures of his knob in all of it's glory. Pictures to women sent, with said pictures attached. Messages on the forum asking if anybody needs a lift to a swinging club that night.

After much screaming and crying blush I finally got out of him that he did it 'because he was bored and likes attention'. And that me or the baby never got a second thought when he was logging in/out/sending messages - it was just something he did and when he did it, nothing else was in his head, and when he had finished, he completely forgets about it so therefore didn't think to mention it to me. Also claims he was just looking for a friend on there who he originally met on this site, because he 'just likes to talk to her, it has never been sexual'.

This isn't the first time I've known him to be on these sites. I just fail to see how he honestly could not have thought about me and how much it hurt me the last time(s), when he was signing up with a different name again, and sending messages to local women. He claims he hasn't been back on the site since the night he made the new profile 3 months ago.

He swears on our babies life that he hasn't met anybody from these sites, but he has been to a swingers party where he just watched, not sure if he said that was before we were together, or when we had split for 6 months a couple of years ago due to similar problems.

He now says that he doesn't trust me at all because I checked up on him. And I obviously don't trust him (wonder why) because I checked up on him. He's packed his clothes, smashed his phone against the wall because somebody kept calling, and has now left. No way of getting hold of him, until he decides he wants to see his daughter and knocks on my door (he's taken his house keys off his set).

I feel so foolish. I have always known that he likes attention, but the extent he goes to just to get it is just unreal. He doesn't like porn, and so this is the next best thing as 'it's more exciting as you know the person is real'. sad

Is it my fault? Have I made it okay for him to do this by forgiving him so readily in the past? I helped him pack his clothes this time, and part of me wants it to be over because I can't keep on doing this to myself, or our daughter now. But I want it to not be over so bad. Our relationship has been amazing since our daughter arrived, both agreeing we felt so much closer. And now it's gone, and i'm sat here watching her sleep in her crib and feeling like i've let her down so badly. sad

What do I do? I know what people are going to say. Just hoping to soak in some strength from any words somebody may have.

SheWillBeLoved Wed 12-Aug-09 15:46:59

*Messages to women sent, with said pictures attached

poopscoop Wed 12-Aug-09 15:48:45

My first thought is the man is a complete prat who deserves neither you or his baby.

So sorry you are going through this, will have a think and respond again shortly.

Scorps Wed 12-Aug-09 15:49:16

You have not let your daughter down.

Sorry not much help, but you have done NOTHING wrong

poshsinglemum Wed 12-Aug-09 15:50:43

He's an absolute twat.

I'm sorry you had to put up with him.

LuluMaman Wed 12-Aug-09 15:50:50

you;ve not let her down

he has

how pathetic and juvenile and immature that he craves attention so much he joins swinging websites, ( but does not swing ) , goes to a party ( but does not swing ) , seeks out a woman he likes, ( but does not do anything sexual )

he says he does not trust you? what a laugh

I know that you must be reeling and in shock but i think that him leaving is a good thing long term

he is a liar who craves sexual attention from women other than his partner and as you are not in an open relationship, he cannot do this

he has repeated the same mistakes over and over and instead of learning from them, turns it round on you

a man who posts his profile on such a site, with a pic of his penis is hardly doing it for innocent reasons

i am so sorry, and i hope you have lots of RL support

Tamarto Wed 12-Aug-09 15:53:41

This isn't your fault it's all on him.

Nice temper he's got there. hmm

Your relationship has been so amazing that he's been sending pics of his cock to other women.

You and your DD deserve so much better than that.

blondissimo Wed 12-Aug-09 15:54:17

OMG almost this exact thing happened to my sister a couple of months ago. He came out with the same story about the attention etc - ie blamed it all on her.
I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you but I will give you my honest opinion.

I think his response to you is a load of bullshit, if he just wanted to talk to someone he can do it on Facebook - no need to post a photo of his knob on a swinging sitehmm.
Also, he doesn't like porn...................yeah, I'm sure. What heterosexual man doesn't like porn??????
He has no right to be annoyed at you - he has put himself in the position to not be trusted.

It is not your fault and don't let him tell you it is!

I do understand how hard this must be for you and ultimately it is your decision, but please look at the long term - if you are quite happy to keep being treated like this then stay with him, if not, then................

Hangingbellyofbabylon Wed 12-Aug-09 15:54:37

oh sweetheart - so sorry you are going through this. You did the only thing you could do for you and your little girl. [hugs]

bumpybecky Wed 12-Aug-09 15:56:23

I'm so sorry this is not your fault and you have not let your daughter down. He sounds like a complete idiot

I've not got any wise words I'm afraid.

Lemonylemon Wed 12-Aug-09 15:56:59

Agree with everyone else - you have done nothing wrong. You have not let your daughter down. He has. Your relationship is very, very one-sided. He is exceptionally selfish in both what he has been doing, and also walking out on you and your two-week old DD. "Spitting the dummy" its normally called. Spoilt brat.

MadameOvary Wed 12-Aug-09 16:05:16

As someone whose P also walked out on myself and DD, I'd like to transport you seven months down the line when you look back in relief that you dont have to put up with this crap anymore.
Sorry not much help but as others have said, do not for a second think that this is your fault.
I know that you are hurting and sad and would do anything to make it right, but you haven't done anything wrong.

VinegarTits Wed 12-Aug-09 16:08:21

'just likes to talk to her, it has never been sexual'. - this is bullshit

'He now says that he doesn't trust' - this is him projecting his guilt onto you

I imagine him leaving is supposed to be some sort of punishment to you, i bet he expects you should be begging him to come back, when he is the one who should have been begging you to not throw him out, by leaving voluntary like this, he is trying to keep control and power over you, in the hope you will feel guilty and beg him not to go

Give it a couple of days and i bet any money, he will be back trying to make you feel guilty for him leaving, saying things like, 'you have split up our family' and 'our dd will be the one to suffer because of you'

Honestly, he sounds like a lying cheating scumbag and you are best rid of him, do not let him back in, concentrate on yourself and your dd and dont let him twist things around to be your fault, you are not a fool and you are not to blame for his atrocious behaviour

Doha Wed 12-Aug-09 16:09:26

Have to agree with all the above posters. You did what had to be done -and l think you realise that.

he has let both you and your DD down badly. He is not going to stop this behaviour-- and he manages to turn it all onto you shock because you don't trust him.

concentrate on your DD and yourself for a while.

blondissimo Wed 12-Aug-09 16:11:06

Please please please don't let him talk you into it being your fault - his behaviour is unacceptable and it is a very common tactic for cheaters to deflect the blame from themselves- my BIL came out with a load of crap to my dsis and she is now back with him but I just know it will happen again and it breaks my heart to see her treated this way.

Listen to MadameOvary - things could be so much better without him.

Do you believe the excuses he comes out with - that he as not done anything sexual etc? Even if he hasn't physically done something yet, you will always suspect that it might be happening in the future.

Also please don't take too literally his comments on swearing on dd's life - he sounds like a compulsive liar also, and they will go to any lengths to cover their tracks......

sheepgomeep Wed 12-Aug-09 16:13:50

echo what everyone else has said -it's not your fault, he is total knob

He has abandoned you at an extremely vulnerable and emotional time in your life when he should be supporting you and loving you not showing of his knob on swinging websites.

stay strong and I hope it gets better for you

Oh and they all blame the women when thier backs are against the wall, my ex did it loads of times

Doodle2u Wed 12-Aug-09 16:14:58

" He now says that he doesn't trust me at all because I checked up on him"....LOLOLOLOLOL, yeah, right! Talk about turning it back on to you!

He's let you down. He's let his DD down. He is both bollockless and spineless.

Tamarto Wed 12-Aug-09 16:15:41

'Give it a couple of days and i bet any money, he will be back trying to make you feel guilty for him leaving, saying things like, 'you have split up our family' and 'our dd will be the one to suffer because of you''

I'm betting any money he does this too, please don't fall for it.

Of course you don't trust him he is untrustworthy.

If he cared, truely cared he would have accepted how out of order he has been rather than defend what can't be defended.

MadameOvary Wed 12-Aug-09 16:17:20

I am so angry for you, but also rolling my eyes because the stuff he is coming is out with is classic BS.
As VinegarTits says, they project their guilt and try to turn it round to make you the guilty party.
Please get counselling to help you deal with this. I wouldnt be surprised if you had low self-esteem. I certainly did but its gone up tenfold without my dickheadliarabusive useless ex dragging me down all the time.
And most importantly I am free to be a good, happy mum to DD.

chickybabe Wed 12-Aug-09 16:19:17

Oh hunny, so sorry for you and DD.

I will echo what everyone else has said - its totally NOT your fault. You've just had a baby for christs sake, why should it be up to you to, now or ever, to sort out his "little problem".

You have not let your DD down, how the hell can you be the best mum you can be, when you have to worry about her dad cheating on you???

I really hope you've got some RL friends to help you through this - your going to be very hormonal anyway - he's an total SHIT to be doing this to you right now, and his temper tantrum just proves how guilty he really is.

Keep us posted and good luck xx

blondissimo Wed 12-Aug-09 16:26:44

OP have you got some RL support? It might help you to talk about it in RL, get a hug from someone etc, plus you could do with some help with yr dd as you are bound to be feeling hormonal and emotional anyway, this is the last thing you needed.

It makes me so angry that he has done this to you at such a difficult time. Some people are just sooo self centred.

Try to focus on your lovely dd and just forget about him.

What a c**t angry.

NormaSknockers Wed 12-Aug-09 16:35:12

Oh darling, you have not let your DD down at all, he has.

He is so immature behaving this way & then tying to twist the blame onto you - yes you "checked up" on him & I would have done the same thing in your position & I'm sure many other women would have done too, that doesn't mean you have done anything wrong.

He should be grovelling & apologising not slamming his phone against a wall & flouncing out! You deserve sooooo much better & so does your DD. Stay strong & hold you head high. Do you have anyone (family or friends) near by who can pop round & give you a much needed cuddle?

SheWillBeLoved Wed 12-Aug-09 16:47:19

Thanks for the quick replies.

His mum and sister know everything, I rightly or wrongly text his mum to say that her son was walking out on his daughter for something he had done wrong - it was her calling him to give him a bollocking which made him bounce his phone off the wall. I maybe shouldn't have text her, but I needed to tell someone.. anyone who would scream at him as much as I did. His sister and her husband have offered to come and see me and take me to theirs tonight. Getting lots of support from them at the moment.

Suppose I just needed to write it all down whilst it was fresh in my head, and see in black and white that it's not my fault.

Yes I snooped, yes I have done it in the past - but he really doesn't seem to agree that I have or ever have had reason to. He has done nothing wrong at all according to him, it's just harmless ego boosting to relieve his boredom, and he never intended to meet these women.

So why did he state he was single, and ask women if they were going to/needed a lift to a swinging club sad he said if any women has said yes, he would have found a reason to back out.

I don't want to tell my family right now. I feel so ashamed. Not only for me - but for him. I know I shouldn't give a shit about him right now, but as much as I hate him for this, I can't switch my feelings off after just a few hours.

MadameOvary Wed 12-Aug-09 16:51:25

You know what?
Its okay to feel for him.
Its okay to care about him.
But actions? That's something else. Just as he chose to act on his feelings/impulses, you can choose NOT to act on yours if you feel panicky and want to take him back.

You have been very strong and you will only get stronger, esp with RL support. I'm cheering you on all the way.

NormaSknockers Wed 12-Aug-09 16:51:35

I'm glad you have someone to look after you & very pleased to hear his family in particular are supporting you too, it's good to ave their backing as it can be harder if you don't. Sounds like they care for you & DD a lot which is lovely.

Just remember you have done nothing wrong!

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